MATT: Hello everyone, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons (laughter) TRAVIS: That was amazing! MATT: Liam is on Mica’s shit list now LIAM: You taunt me, and I said “yes and.” MICA: Someone’s going to die tonight (laughter) MATT: All righty, so, before we jump into tonight’s episode, we have some quick announcements to get through, beginning with our fantastic sponsors for the night We have two sponsors, and the first up, our friends of campaign two since the very beginning, D&D Beyond, Sam SAM: It’s not Sam. It’s Britney, bitch (laughter) TRAVIS: Oh no MATT: Oh SAM: And (piano opening notes of “…Baby One More Time”) ♪ Oh baby baby, how were you supposed to know ♪ ♪ That D&D Beyond ♪ Is gearing up to release Eberron– Eberron: Rising from the Last War on November 19th This book provides tools to explore the world of Eberron, excluding the– including the artificer class, a magical magician of invention, I don’t know, and monsters birthed by ancient war-mongering forces Pre-order your copy at dndbeyond.link/eberron And I must confess, it’s a fantastic digital toolset that manages characters, campaigns, and source material in D&D Fifth Edition For example, what happens if (piano) ♪ Boy you’ve got me blinded ♪ Well, there’s a way to mark the Blinded condition on your digital character sheet in the app (laughter) Or what do you do if (piano) ♪ You’re toxic, I’m slipping under ♪ ♪ Taste of a poison paradise ♪ No problem, you can also indicate immunities to poison right next to your hit point maximum ♪ Oops, you did it again ♪ ♪ You played with your dice, got lost in the game ♪ Yes, lost in the game, because D&D Beyond lets you focus on role playing and fun, because the app handles the math and stats for you You’ll be hanging with your friends so much that (piano) ♪ Your loneliness won’t be killing you ♪ But that ancient white dragon might TRAVIS: (groaning) SAM: And if it does ♪ Sometimes you’ll run, sometimes you’ll hide ♪ And if you do hide, D&D Beyond will tell you your stealth bonus at a glance, so go to the website, dndbeyond.com, and (piano) ♪ Click me baby one more time ♪ Oh my gosh, that was just so typically me Anyway, this is Britney, bitch Back to you, Mark (laughs) TRAVIS: I love how it went Terrance and Phillip near the end MARISHA: Yeah, it totally did! MATT: That’s all right buddy, thank you buddy (Sam babbling) MATT: I’m not your buddy, pal All right LIAM: That’s the way Keith Baker always imagined Eberron MATT: Oh, very much so TRAVIS: 100% MATT: Yeah, if people don’t start really rushing out to make Warforged in this image, I think we’ve failed as a partner Sorry Keith, we’re so sorry, Keith MICA: Yeah, it’s so old MARISHA: It’s super old SAM: I’m a super old guy (laughter) MATT: Thank you, and I’m sorry, D&D Beyond Our second sponsor, who Sam will not be handling– SAM: ♪ Baby ♪ MATT: (sighs) — Is Idle Champions, our friends Idle Champions LAURA: No MATT: No! (laughter) SAM: I’m going to have that all night (piano) LIAM: Beware, anyone having a serious and heartfelt scene tonight MARISHA: I can feel the copyright strikes SAM: Don’t worry MARISHA: — they’re happening SAM: That was not taken from the song, it’s an original creation (laughter) MATT: You will take 2d10 damage every time you do that in the middle of the game tonight SAM: Worth it (laughter) MATT: So, our friends at Idle Champions, Champions of the Forgotten Realms, they’ve been with us a number of episodes, if you haven’t had a chance, check out their awesome game, it’s available for PC, iOS, all major digital platforms to play, you can play as all different characters from all over the Forgotten Realms and other D&D storylines as well as playing through elements of the storylines within the game, it’s awesome. They have partnered with the charity Take This and are releasing the Vizier the Stellar’s Jay Familiar NPC Pack as well in the game, so if you have started playing it, you can look into that and help for a good cause It contains the familiar, a variety of potions All the net proceeds are going to special AFK rooms, which are volunteer-run safe spaces for anyone who feels overwhelmed and needs a place to regain their calm at upcoming PAX events, which is great LIAM: I feel overwhelmed and the need to regain my calm MATT: Then you want to donate to help Liam at this very moment TRAVIS: Yeah!
MATT: Go support this great cause and these great people at idlechampions.com/criticalrole TALIESIN: Die down (piano) MATT: Hmm LIAM: My secondhand embarrassment is off the charts (laughter) MATT: He’s just waiting ALL: Oh! MATT: He’s just waiting in the wings TRAVIS: Put that shit away! MATT: So as a heads up, we are taking a week off, our regularly scheduled live episode next week, some of us will be off adventuring in the dust, but we have something extra special for you guys who missed the announcement, we have our Dalen’s Closet one-shot showing next Thursday in place of an episode, in which we have the wedding of Percival and Vex’ahlia TALIESIN: Event of the summer Event of the century MATT: A destination wedding TALIESIN: You’re lucky it wasn’t a themed destination wedding MATT: True LAURA: Who’s to say it isn’t? Tune in to find out MATT: Hopefully it will be the final destination wedding MARISHA: It’s Tremor themed MATT: Exactly. Perfect But yeah, this one-shot was made possible by all you guys’ fantastic generous donations to the Kickstarter earlier this year We have other one-shots coming up as well as the year progresses, but this one is very special, we’re hoping you check it out next week, we’re really excited, hope you guys enjoy it If you miss the stream, the VOD will be available on our YouTube channel on Monday, September 2nd, following the stream Also, just as a heads up guys, getting a little serious here for a minute, we, as I’m sure many of you are frustrated, devastated by the fires currently happening in the Amazon in South America right now, in Brazil We believe very strongly in leaving this world a better place than we came into it as, and we encourage you to, if you’re able, consider donation to one of the many non-profit organizations that are helping working towards conservation of these rainforests and helping once these fires are done to reclaim and rebuild what was in their place So we personally like Rainforest Trust, which has purchased and saved over 23 million acres of land since 1988, and saves an acre of rainforest every 16 seconds They’ve been a fantastic group You can find out more about their organization at donate.rainforesttrust.org There are many other great organizations out there, just make sure you research them to see that they’re legitimate But if you have the opportunity, we implore you to be a part of making this terrible tragedy as less as it possibly can and to build in its wake So thank you And with that, let’s go ahead and jump into (piano) LAURA: Oh no! MATT: Tonight’s episode of Critical Role (cheering) (water bubbling) (thunder rumbling) (explosion booming) ♪ Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Mighty Nein, Mighty Nein ♪ ♪ Roll the dice, roll the dice ♪ ♪ The adventure begins ♪ ♪ They were always beside you ♪ ♪ Your nerdy best friends ♪ ♪ And the DM to guide you ♪ ♪ And they rise from the flames for the battles ahead ♪ ♪ Villains beware because you’re ’bout to be dead ♪ ♪ They got magic and flair ♪ ♪ They got falchions and cunning ♪ ♪ They don’t see over there ♪ ♪ There’s a monster incoming ♪ ♪ Inspiration is waiting, rise up, don’t think twice ♪ ♪ Put your fate in your hands, take a chance, ♪ ♪ roll the dice ♪ ♪ Roll the dice ♪ ♪ Roll the dice ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Critical Role ♪ ♪ Can you answer the call ♪ ♪ Diggin’ deep in your soul ♪ ♪ As the legend unfolds ♪ ♪ Now it’s your turn ♪ ♪ Your turn, your turn ♪ ♪ To roll ♪ (flames whooshing) MATT: And welcome back Yes, Sam has decided to maintain this outfit after the break We are thrilled (laughter) LIAM: Can we get a Nott panicked sound right now? SAM: Ah– LAURA: No! (groaning) SAM: (moaning) TALIESIN: No! MICA: Ooh, it’s extended MATT: So last we left off (laughter) The Mighty Nein, along with their new ally in Reani, had made their way from the city of Uthodurn to the city of Rosohna to pull in a favor
with the Shadowhand Essek to bring them instantaneously to the mouth of Mythburrow, where there supposedly lived a white dragon, one capable of enchanting the mithral that you had melted down, and hoped to, once enchanted as iceflex, to be utilized in reforming the shattered pieces of an ancient magical sword that you’ve slowly acquired through your adventures in this campaign Upon delving into the cavern, battling yeti, hiding amongst the shadows, making your way towards the ice tunnels that led to its lair, you led it out with an ice spider queen used as bait However, the item you wished to retrieve was dragged into the lair, and you found yourselves having to distract, stealth in, steal, and escape, which you barely managed to do, as the dragon proved to be far more formidable than you had ever expected In those heightened moments of intensity, and through an extremely on-point Caleb Widogast LIAM: Gunter gleben glousen globen (laughter) LIAM: Sorry, I’m getting over a head cold Almost through MATT: Of course You managed to step through the teleportation circle leading you back to the city of Uthodurn, where you all crashed out into the center of the Vellum Steeple, to the surprise and confusion of all the various members within And that is where we’re picking up today So, Mighty Nein, you all, sweat pouring down your faces, breathing heavy, the adrenaline pumping through your veins, crashing and stumbling onto the hard wooden floor of the interior of the Vellum Steeple You can see the candlelight flicking around you, the countless rows of books and scrolls and desks that got knocked over as you made your way in here, storming through, the nearby librarians and archivists looking at you confused What would you like to do? LIAM: Don’t mind us, sorry TALIESIN: Just passing through LIAM: This was done under duress Apologies MARISHA: We have a deal with Master Ava, so, we’re cool MATT: Two of the glassblades that heard the commotion come rushing in with armor “Hey! What’s going on?” TRAVIS: Please excuse the smell of feces, that’s just us TALIESIN: Hey LAURA: You remember us? LIAM: We have an arrangement here MATT: (whistles) They do like a loud whistle, a few other members of the Steeple make their way towards you, including the familiar sight of– LIAM: Kermit the Frog MATT: Kermit the Frog (Kermit voice) Hey guys, welcome back to Uthodurn (regular voice) No, Chief Auditor Keenash LAURA: Oh, what a cutie MICA: Chief Otter MARISHA: Yeah SAM: That’s right, it’s an otter TALIESIN: We’re going to die, yeah (laughter) MATT: Chief Auditor Which you briefly saw when you first came through, as well as the Scribewarden Ressia, come rushing into the space The Scribewarden raises a hand and tells the guards to calm down a moment before looking over and, “Well, you’ve certainly made “a returning entrance, haven’t you?” TRAVIS: Yes, it was eventful, to say the least MATT: “Good, I’m glad your patronage “has already come to be useful, “and the patronage is appreciated,” as she gives a nod towards Beau MARISHA: Two Gs was worth it MATT: “So, I would kindly ask you to leave “so we can clean up the mess you’ve left, “unless you have other business?” LAURA: Oh, no, I think we’re good here, we’re good, we’re just leaving– MATT: “Very good then “See them out, please.” The glassblades make their way to flank you and– MARISHA: What, did we leave a mess? MATT: You look around and there’s like, two of the tables have been knocked over as you guys arrived, there’s a scattering of parchment and books, now the spines open MARISHA: Who put the tables in the teleportation circle? MATT: They weren’t in the circle, but when everyone ran through, the momentum carried and you ran into the table MARISHA: Well this is poor fucking placement (laughter) TALIESIN: There should be clearance, really, because you’re going to be– LIAM: Seems like a strange place to put a tower of champagne glasses (laughter) MATT: The Scribewarden just graciously accepts the comment and goes MARISHA: Just saying, fire marshal comes through here? LAURA: It might not be the last time that we come in in this sort of manner, so you might– MATT: “I would very much appreciate you maybe “not roughhouse quite as extremely upon your arrival.” LAURA: We will try, but sometimes dragons come after you and you have no choice MICA: Also, maybe you want to polish the floor because there’s blood all over it, I’m sorry about that MATT: “There is. Someone, please,” and two of the other librarians rush off to go grab some cleaning supplies You can see the squeamish look across her face
MICA: Sorry! TALIESIN: Find it funny the things you stop noticing after a while It’s weird MATT: “Anyway.” (clapping) “Please leave.” SAM: Thank you LAURA: (clapping) You got it! SAM: Goodbye MATT: You guys make your way out of the Vellum Steeple, back onto the streets of Uthodurn TRAVIS: That was very hectic Do we have everything? TALIESIN and LAURA: (laughter) TALIESIN: Yeah I think that went really well, personally LAURA: And look at what I’ve got! TALIESIN: Yeah, look at that SAM: What does it look like? LAURA: It’s blue, because it is blue is what it looks like MATT: You see that the mithral material, which looked like a sparkling silverish type, almost gun metal coloration to it initially, with elements of flakes and light in it, now has this dull, bluish hue, almost like these ice crystals have been embedded within But there is no change in the actual material of it It just almost seems to hold these faint specks of light blue energy within It is cold to the touch, like your fingers begin to go numb just clutching it in your fingers LAURA: Feels good! SAM: We did it, we did it! We made the iceflex, right? TRAVIS: That was an incredible sight watching a giant fuck-off owl and then, I mean, that dragon was right behind you LAURA: That dragon was huge MICA: That dragon was mean LAURA: Way bigger than I thought it was going to be SAM: Are you down? Do you need healing? MICA: I may need to take a nap or– LAURA: Oh, I can help. Hold on, let me see how many spells I have left. I think I’ve got a good amount MICA: Before that I want to Healing Hands myself to restore nine hit points TALIESIN: I was going to say, if everyone has a second, I’m going to cast Beacon of Hope on everybody LAURA: Ooh MICA: What’s that do? LAURA: It gives us max healing TALIESIN: Mm-hmm So you don’t have to even roll for healing LAURA: Hold on, I might have Mass Cure Wounds I don’t know how many spells I have TALIESIN: All right LIAM: You know what else might help right now Is a drink TALIESIN: Oh yeah, you guys do that. We should do that MICA: That sounds good LIAM: Is a drink SAM: Oh Is a drink, oh. I thought you said “ze drink.” LIAM: Well, sometimes, you know, it’s just conversational speech SAM: Sure, sure LAURA: Only have Mass Healing Word. That’s not as good TALIESIN: Anything is– yeah, hold on MICA: I know a place SAM: There’s the Broken Stool Tavern. We’ve been there LIAM: Is that where you typically go? Do you have a specific place that you prefer? MICA: If we want to go somewhere where we can just like, mm, we should go to the Tumbled Tankards The Tumbled Tankards LAURA: 29 points of healing MICA: Oh, thank you TALIESIN: I’ll do a Prayer of Healing Yeah, I’m going to do Prayer of Healing at level three so everyone gets (counting) 29 points of healing to everybody MICA: Oh, that feels so nice I can see. I can fight LIAM: I have a bit of a streak going. I am unscathed TRAVIS: You’re untouched? LAURA: Well, you were hiding in the hut the entire time TRAVIS: Not hiding, he was holding down the fort I’m sorry, HQ was holding down the spot LAURA: Right, you gave us the best place to escape to Thank you so much, Caleb We were very safe in there TALIESIN: That was the kind of teamwork that we needed to be showing from day– that was so good. Everybody doing their best LAURA: And we were super stealthy SAM: It was great I mean, it kind of couldn’t have gone better I’m sorry that you almost died MICA: And also we didn’t get any scales for Umi SAM: Oh no But you know what, I did get a couple of extra trinket items LAURA: He had time, because I was grabbing the mithral She had time– sorry, sorry, Nott MICA: Do you think that Umi would like them? Are they souvenirs? LAURA: Oh, you know, but– SAM: I mean, well They’re very personal to me, I was up there LAURA: Oh my gosh! Here, I’ll do something I’m going to use my paint and I’m going to draw a white dragon scale with my fancy paint MATT: Okay TALIESIN: Whoa SAM: Can you do that? MATT: You go ahead and draw a, based on your brief interactions with the dragon, a white dragon scale You’re uncertain as to the quality of the scale, whether it matches the hardness, but it definitely appears to look like what could be a collectible white dragon scale MICA: (gasps) Now he won’t be mad at me, thank you I’m going to tuck it into my– LAURA: Tell him not to blacksmith with it, though, because like, it’s not– MICA: No, no, I’m going to put it in a special flower crown for him and I’m going to make sure that he wears it LAURA: Perfect MICA: Yeah TALIESIN: That’s good LAURA: That’s the only downside– one of the downsides of sitting next to Sam is that I don’t get to see what is on– SAM: It’s not that good It’s a real– I’m going old school today (laughter) MATT: So, what’s the plan, guys? LAURA: We’re going to see Umi SAM: But side note. Caleb, I have some items that maybe you should identify TALIESIN: We can do that while we have a drink SAM: Yeah, let’s walk and talk. We’re walking
LIAM: Do you have booths at this place. They have booths? LAURA: Booths? LIAM: Booths MICA: Like to sit in? TRAVIS: A closed place to speak (laughter) SAM: Ze booths Das booths MICA: Ja? TALIESIN: We went a week without the accent Now we’re all lost (laughter) TRAVIS: Never been so glad to see you SAM: It’s just your accent has changed so much LIAM: The cold got into my sinuses (laughter) LIAM: Infected me MICA: Yeah, there’s a really cool place that I like to sit all the time, and I sit there and the bartender knows me, so we can go there SAM: Yeah, let’s go MICA: Let’s go Make sure that you don’t pick fights with anybody in the bar MARISHA: Aww TALIESIN: Never MICA: Just in casies MARISHA: Okay MICA: They’re all very strong TRAVIS: Why is that? Just the people in there are very– MICA: Everybody is very strong TRAVIS: Oh, okay SAM: Everybody is? TRAVIS: Is it like a fighting bar? Not that we would object SAM: Like a cop bar? Is that what, like why is it so– MICA: No SAM: A superhero bar? MICA: No, let’s just all be on our best behavior SAM: Because it’s filled with MICA: Best behavior time. Let’s go, everybody LAURA: I bet it’s the arm– yeah SAM: The glassblades bar? LAURA: The glassblades bar SAM: It’s a cop bar We’re going to a cop bar TRAVIS: Cool, they’ll all have mustaches It’ll be amazing (laughter) SAM: Let’s go! MATT: All righty Following Reani’s lead, you are brought further across the Deliberation Disk, until eventually, a little ways out of the Burleboroughs, which is this region, this neighborhood of the area, you come upon a really seedy-looking dive bar, hidden off in a far corner, dark wood and stained stone and masonry hold it up At first glance, it almost seems to be an abandoned warehouse, except for the faint bit of interior light that’s coming through the one open window and the doorway, which has no door, it looks like TALIESIN: Vague sound of house music (laughter) TALIESIN: Sorry MATT: Approaching the interior, you can hear a faint tune as a very, very old dwarf is sitting there with a fiddle, and is staring no particular direction, either enraptured by his music or unable to focus on anything that’s not within five feet of him, but is pretty decently skilled at it The rest of the chamber, it’s maybe 20 by 25 feet total size, and of the four tables that are there and the two booths that are in the far corner, it looks like there are three other patrons They all look grizzled, they all look like they want to be left to minding their own business, and they all turn and stare directly at you as you enter SAM: Are they in uniform or anything? MATT: Not glassblades SAM: Oh MICA: So I want to immediately walk in and go, Vonnie! MATT: At which point you see around the edge, stumbling outside of a corner, holding a freshly tapped keg and placing it on the counter, you see a dwarf, dark-skinned, salt and pepper mop of a head of hair, well-trimmed goatee that comes down and reaches his sternum at its point, looks over and goes like, “Oh, hi! Reani, come here!” MICA: Immediately like dash over there MICA: Comes over and gives you a quick little shoulder hug It’s like, “Ah, welcome, welcome!” MATT: Vonnie, I brought friends MATT: “Oh.” MICA: Yeah MATT: “Okay “Hello.” TRAVIS: Hello LAURA: Hi SAM: What was this young man’s name? MATT: “I’m Vonbrag. You can call me The Watch. (laughs)” TRAVIS: The Watch MATT: “Anyway, that’s a motley crew “But I mean, I wouldn’t expect any less as of all this.” MICA: We went to an ice place and we found a dragon and we escaped, and we barely lived, but we lived, and now we’re back, dragons! MATT: “Sure, all right then.” TALIESIN: Strange but true LAURA: Yeah MATT: “Totally.” MARISHA: She was a spider and an owl LAURA: Yeah MARISHA: It was pretty awesome. It was clutch TALIESIN: Currently, not at the same time MATT: “I can see why they’re your friends.” MICA: Yeah! MATT: “Well come, sit down “Drinks, what ya looking for? “We got root mead. We got some– TRAVIS: Root mead? MATT: “Have you not had a root mead?” TRAVIS: No, I haven’t. I would love a root mead MATT: “That’s a root mead, then.” MARISHA: Is it alcoholic? LAURA: Can I have some milk, please? Some milk? With maybe some like chocolate melted in it, if you have it? TALIESIN: That sounds good MATT: “I’ll see what I can put together.” SAM: Excuse me, but Beauregard had a question, though MATT: “Yes?” MARISHA: Is the root mead alcoholic? MATT: “It’s mead, of course it fucking is.” MARISHA: Well, there’s this thing, root beer, and it’s not always alcoholic So just pardon my– MATT: “Why would they call it root beer? “That’s stupid.” SAM: It really is MATT: “That makes no sense.” TALIESIN: Never thought about it MARISHA: False advertising MATT: “Seriously.” LAURA: I think it has to do with the process of brewing it, I think TRAVIS: Yes, it burns off, yeah MATT: “All right, root meads all around, “except for some goat’s milk
“with maybe some chocolate in it.” TALIESIN: Two goat’s milk with chocolate, that sounds exciting MATT: Give me some time, I can probably pull that together And what about you? MICA: Three glasses of root mead, please, and a glass of wine, and small side of ale SAM: Is that just for you? MICA: Yeah SAM: Wow MARISHA: Is that like a sampler flight? MICA: No, I’m celebrating LAURA: What? SAM: Wow LAURA: That you lived your fight with the dragon? MICA: Yeah! LAURA: Yeah! SAM: I mean, I’m already plastered, and that seems excessive to me (laughter) MICA: I tend to find that alcohol doesn’t work that easily, so I got to drink a lot of it, so I’m going to drink a lot of it SAM: I’m with you, I’ll have the same thing, please MICA: Two of those! TRAVIS: Oh Nott, I don’t know if– MATT: “Yeah, you got it!” TALIESIN: I take it back, the moral high ground has been lost now MATT: “Let’s see, for all that, for everyone, “that’ll put you back about, say full spread, “let’s call it a solid gold, how about that?” LAURA: I’ll take care of that for everyone A celebration, after all MATT: Vonbrag heads off Takes a little while, and piecemeals the drinks to you as they come The root mead’s easy to bring out The milk takes a bit of time and is prepared– it’s not the best you’ve had, it hasn’t been stirred very well and the chocolate’s kind of congealed a bit and fallen to the bottom But with a little bit of additional heat, maybe you could muster TALIESIN: I think that’s precisely what Thaumaturgy is for at the very least Just to vibrate the– LAURA: Oh, that’s good. Yeah TALIESIN: (Whirring) Yeah MICA: Like an electric hand mixer for hot chocolate? MATT: There you go TALIESIN: Exactly MATT: And your dive bar flights eventually find their way to your table LAURA: I give him an extra gold as a tip MATT: “Oh.” SAM: 100% tip MATT: Takes it and pockets it “And what you looking for?” LAURA: Do you have any of those cupcakes that are, I forget the name of the bakery, but they’ve got the black moss cupcakes, and do you have any of those? MATT: “You’re looking for cupcakes.” LAURA: The Softer Stone Forge? MATT: “I don’t follow.” MARISHA: That’s the baker MICA: Oh Vonnie, we’re just here to sit, we’re not here for a job or anything MATT: “Okay.” MICA: Yeah MATT: “Is this– ah, all right then.” Pockets the gold, “Thank you.” LAURA: Oh, you’re welcome I thought he was asking if I wanted anything to eat MICA: We can get the cupcakes after LAURA: Awesome SAM: What was he asking? TALIESIN: We do eventually have to do a look for some residuum, for the refined residuum I mean, we know where it is, but at some point we’re going to have to start thinking about what’s the best way to go about getting that while we wait for the sword to get finished SAM: What did he mean about a job? TALIESIN: Yeah MICA: Well, Vonnie, you know, he looks after people that do things for money sometimes, you know TRAVIS: Is this a superhero bar? LIAM: Or is he your agent? MICA: No, Samliel’s my agent TRAVIS: Right TALIESIN: Well, we do things for money on occasion MICA: Well, you should talk to Vonnie sometime Vonnie, they do things for money sometimes, too TALIESIN: That’s very true SAM: Might I remind everyone that we already have an assignment if we want it TALIESIN: We do LAURA: Yeah, which is to steal stuff SAM: Don’t laugh at me, Fjord LAURA: Well, this hot chocolate’s giving me hiccups (laughter) I’m getting so drunk on this stuff TALIESIN: Maybe we could use some of that good grace to maybe figure out how we’re going to go about that I got to admit, I’ve never actually, I don’t think I really know much about stealing things SAM: Why are you hitting me? LAURA: Give Caleb your stuff MICA: Question SAM: Oh, yes, while we’re talking– LAURA: But do it super secret Your wig is shedding on your collar TRAVIS: We slide over to a booth in the corner, whatever Reani’s favorite little spot was SAM: Sure MATT: You find a corner of this, yeah I mean, it’s hidden as a booth would be You’re still in eye-shot of any other patron in the chamber, and they’re all definitely keeping one eye by the strange cluster of colorful individuals that have made their way into the interior TRAVIS: Anything of note of these three individuals, anything that really jumps out, other than probably looking very dangerous, all of them? MATT: Two of them are dwarven, one male, one female They both have heavy scars visible, both on forearms and face and neck area Cloaked, and just generally suspicious-looking Like they just have that look about them where you’re like, I would definitely not, you know, let them walk behind me when I’m trying to go home at night, you know, that kind of a feel These are rough and tumble looking dwarves There is one elf who is on the further edge who is looking at you, but also, from what little bit of details you can make out,
looks to have like a thin, a pencil mustache, and looks very drunk and is like, trying to make eye contact, but is missing by about a foot LAURA: Do we recognize him? MATT: Not somebody you recognize TALIESIN: I think I’d remember a pencil mustache Those things are like, yeah MICA: Hard to forget TALIESIN: Yeah TRAVIS: Crack out the– SAM: Yeah, so I’m going to stealthily and sleight of handy give my two items to Caleb and whisper, Can you identify these at some point? LAURA: I’m going to keep an eye out to make sure none of these shady characters are trying to make a play for our loot MATT: You got it, make a perception check LIAM: Do we want to maybe have some of– LAURA: What the fuck was that roll? LIAM: Sit with your backs– LAURA: It was super cocked is what it was LIAM: I’ll sit at the back of the booth? SAM: Okay, we’ll– LAURA: 17 MATT: All right SAM: We’re making a people wall to shield him as he’s working MATT: All righty LIAM: So I pull out the book and slap it down, start cross-referencing, and it’s three items? SAM: Two items LIAM: Two items? LAURA: One is a beautiful gem that’s like different colors– SAM: Rainbowy LAURA: Yeah TALIESIN: Rainbowy gem SAM: The other was a cold to the touch vial of something LAURA: No no no, the other was a chain mail MATT: Chain mail, that was cold– SAM: A cold to the touch chain mail, that’s right MATT: Though now that you pull it out, it’s a little warmer You get the sense that the cold to the touch may have been the metal being embedded in nearby ice when you procured it from the dragon But yeah, you’re using Identify on each? LIAM: Yeah, 30 minutes SAM: 30 minutes? LIAM: Oh, unless I have it, I can’t remember LAURA: I thought it was 10 minutes each LIAM: I might have it I meant 30 minutes all told, sorry, I misspoke MATT: Yeah TRAVIS: Ja? LAURA: Ja, ja, ja. Oh ja SAM: It’s pronounced jah. It’s a hard J MICA: It’s a hard G LAURA: Oh gah MICA: Ga MATT: While he’s doing that, is there anything you guys would like to handle while you’re drinking? Or are you just drinking? SAM: Yeah! TALIESIN: We can start making some plans for the rest of our– SAM: Okay, yes, so we have this iceflex stuff, we need to go back to– LAURA: Umi SAM: Omagard Smeltborne and give it to them But then there was this other mission What was the other mission? MICA: I have a very important question SAM: Yes? MICA: So, I thought about what you were saying about if you steal for good, then it’s not bad LAURA: Mm-hmm MICA: Is that this situation? Because I asked Samliel when we went to sleep in the snow, and he didn’t say anything, but you took from the dragon, but the dragon was mean LAURA: Right MICA: So does that make it okay? LAURA: Oh, yeah SAM: Of course LAURA: The dragon was trying to kill us We were looking for things that would save our lives SAM: And help all of the world LAURA: Yeah LIAM: Caleb pops his head up and says: Think of it not so much as a stealing It’s more like liberating MICA: Which is good LAURA: Right, because the dragon, he didn’t own those things to begin with anyway MICA: So the dragon was bad because he stole them– SAM: She MICA: — she stole them and taking it from the dragon means that we were doing the good thing LAURA: Yep TRAVIS: That’s right It would’ve sat there and nothing, but for us, they’re little deposits on the side of good MICA: So if we take this ring, but Madame Ava is mean to me, but she’s not bad, but the people that took from her are bad, so we have to take it back to be good? TALIESIN: Well, and the thing that we’re going to get from the ring is very good LAURA: What are we get get from the ring? MICA: What are we going to get? TALIESIN: The residuum LAURA: Right MICA: Is that stuff good? TALIESIN: Yes SAM: If used by good people, which we are? MICA: Which you are TALIESIN: Like me MICA: You’re good TALIESIN: Yeah MICA: I like Pinky, Pinky’s good TRAVIS: The inflection goes down when you’re certain SAM: We are TALIESIN: I wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t necessary to help to benefit honestly everything MICA: Right, and you’re helping Umi who’s good, so you’re good LAURA: Exactly, we’re very good TALIESIN: This is all in service of the Wildmother LAURA: And the Traveler TALIESIN: And the Traveler MICA: Who’s the Traveler? LAURA: Oh. My. Gosh. You haven’t heard of the Traveler? MICA: No. Is the Traveler good? SAM: Do you have 45 minutes? LAURA: He’s the coolest guy ever MICA: I want to know so much about the Traveler LAURA: Let me give you have a pamphlet! MICA: You have a pamphlet? LAURA: Yeah, I made them earlier MICA: Did you paint this? LAURA: Yeah, obviously MICA: That’s so pretty LAURA: Thank you SAM: The first letter of each sentence is bigger than the rest, it’s fancy that way (laughter) MICA: I’m going to save it for later LAURA: Okay– MICA: I’m going to read all about it LAURA: Oh please do. He’s super cool and awesome and he would just love you MICA: I’m going to fold it up and I’m going to tuck it in my cleavage MATT: Okay MICA: Everything goes in there MATT: It’s an important purse MICA: It’s nature’s pocket MATT: Damn right All right, so MICA: Bag of holding (laughter) LIAM: Oh, I got a claymore in here (laughter) MATT: Perfect So continue to converse for a bit, the alcohol definitely kicks in for all of you You get a little nice buzz, but you two get particularly drunk MICA: Teehee!
MATT: By the time you finish your Identify spell LIAM: Ja, okay TALIESIN: Where we at? LIAM: Well, I can barely lift this one, and he dumps the elven chain mail across the table LAURA: No, it’s not that heavy MATT: It’s actually pretty light LIAM: It’s not 55 pounds? Oh, because it’s elven? MATT: Mm-hmm LIAM: Ooh, this is so heavy (laughter) LIAM: Caleb is very weak LIAM: This is just as good as it gets, this is finely made, and well, it’s light, for some, and will protect you better, so if anyone wants it, it’s not for me LAURA: It’s light chain mail? SAM: You have to be able to wear chain mail MICA: Question LIAM: Yeah MICA: You put him in the bubble because you said that he can’t do things? LAURA: Well LIAM: He can do many things He’s an excellent public speaker, can be intimidating when he wants to, he’s very good at accents MICA: Well, should we put it on him? LIAM: I mean, you’re a good candidate for it, Fjord TRAVIS: Sure, yes, I suppose if no one else– MICA: He also looks good in a flower crown, he can do that TALIESIN: That’s fair TRAVIS: I think I lost it while we were fighting the dragon in all the hubbub Could you make me another? MICA: Yeah (laughter) I’d like to Druidcraft a flower crown while this is happening MATT: Easy enough to do The dark stained, just beer-sticky table that’s in the middle of this tavern suddenly begins to sprout flowers and buds, and they begin to fill the space of this micro bush You begin to pluck and weave, and easily enough done MICA: Once I’m done, I just place it on his head TALIESIN: Better Really ties the whole outfit together MICA: I put extra green ones in there TALIESIN: Oh, I can see MICA: Because I feel like it brings out– TALIESIN: No, the contrasting colors are really nice MICA: Yeah TALIESIN: It really bring out the emeralds in his skin MICA: Right, right? Yeah, I feel like purple– LAURA: Let me see, because mine’s studded armor, so maybe it’s better than mine TALIESIN: I’ve got like a little, you know MICA: Yeah, it’s beautiful TRAVIS: While they’re looking, what else did you find? LIAM: Well, this colorful stone is very interesting Again, not for me, because I don’t have a good throwing arm This is good for one use MARISHA: Oh LIAM: This, chucked into a dangerous situation, will dispel any arcane hazard or magical problem that we encounter, to an extent SAM: Dispel grenade? Is that– LIAM: More or less, yes MARISHA: It’s so pretty TALIESIN: Huh LIAM: Yeah, but one and done with it TALIESIN: Who’s got the best arm? LAURA: Can we turn it into a necklace or something? SAM: Beauregard’s got a pretty sweet arm MICA: Beau seems strong TRAVIS: Go ahead, Smith and Wesson, let’s see them SAM: Maybe we should have a contest to see who’s got the sharpest arm LAURA: Yeah, let’s try TALIESIN: An arm cutting contest? SAM: Anyone else who wants to– LAURA: I want to try LIAM: My elbows are very pokey TRAVIS: I’ll try LAURA: You should try, let’s all try TALIESIN: I’m having a weird fear of being left out, so I’m going to try MICA: I’d like to Druidcraft a vine ball for them to throw, and I’d like to hold it and go: Throw this one! SAM: I’m going to set up some tankards in a carnival style Yeah, yeah, a pyramid MICA: Vonnie, do you mind if we use the bar for a contest? MATT: “I don’t know, it’s real busy right now,” and he points, and there’s nobody, he’s like, “Sure, fucking go for it.” MICA: Yay, thank you! MATT: “Of course “I’m curious as to what you’re thinking up.” MICA: I’m going to toss it over to Fjord TRAVIS: (startled) Whoa! MARISHA: All right, so what are the rules? Got to get it in the center cup? TRAVIS: Are we actually throwing this or something else? MARISHA: Is this like beer pong? LAURA: We should do like a small ball MICA: Small ball? LAURA: Yeah MICA: All right, I’m going to take it back SAM: Recraft? MICA: Recraft into a small ball LAURA: Nice MICA: Ready? TRAVIS: Yep MICA: You got it? LAURA: Good catch, Fjord TRAVIS: Where am I throwing it? TALIESIN: Going to set up a tankard on a stool at the other end of the– SAM: We should set up a few LAURA: Yeah, whoever can knock over the most tankards in 10 seconds That doesn’t make any sense because you have to run and get the thing (laughter) TRAVIS: When it counts, it’s only going to get one throw It should be whoever gets the closest by one throw MICA: Like milk bottles at a carnival LAURA: Whoever can throw it into the tankard MARISHA: Into the tankard? SAM: Into it? that’s a great one MARISHA: Or knocking off the tankard SAM: No, but if you have to arc it, that’s a little skill, that’s finesse, I like it MATT: It is literally now beer pong MARISHA: It’s beer pong, yeah, it’s beer pong SAM: We’re inventing beer pong SAM, LAURA, MATT, and MARISHA: Canon! SAM: Mead pong, mead pong TRAVIS and MICA: Root mead pong MATT: Oh my god LIAM: You are excellent at catching projectiles How are you at throwing them? MARISHA: Huh? SAM and LAURA: Who are you talking to? SAM: Eye contact LIAM: You, Caleb MARISHA: What? (laughter) SAM: This got weird LIAM: Beauregard MARISHA: Oh, me, you were not looking at me in any fashion LIAM: This is episode 76, I never have eye contact with anyone when I am talking to them MARISHA: Am I good at throwing things? SAM: You did last week (laughter) You were so attractive
(laughter) MATT: I agree (laughter) MARISHA: Yeah, I’m pretty good at throwing shit TRAVIS: Right, so we set up one cup across the room and another one where we started, and that way we can just throw back and forth and see who gets the closest SAM: Great MATT: The three other patrons are confused by this scenario. It seems to be the most rambunctious space they’ve been present to in a while Gather in the far corner, and you can see them quietly begin to make wagers with each other TRAVIS: I’m just saying– MATT: So who’s doing what first? TRAVIS: I’ll go first, I’ll take the, is the cup ready? Is it ready? TALIESIN: Cup’s all set TRAVIS: All right How high is the ceiling? Is it low, medium, are there rafters, are there– MATT: There are rafters, in the most basic sense of the form You see two crossbars across the way TRAVIS: Okay, they’re not hanging low MATT: No It’s actually three oil lanterns that give all the light in the interior of this entire space, so it’s pretty dark TRAVIS: All right MATT: You have good darkvision, you’re fine TRAVIS: I’ll give a little sidearm action and try and put a little loft under it MATT: Okay As it’s thrown, I’m saying, for the purposes of this, the ball can be either strength or dex, your choice TRAVIS: Oh, both suck anus, so, you know, let’s go dex MATT: Great TRAVIS: Six MATT: It goes wide and (impacts) against the far corner MARISHA: Yeah, cap’n! Yeah! TRAVIS: My hands are sweaty Knees weak, arms ahead All right MICA: Mom’s spaghetti TRAVIS: Mm-hmm MATT: Bringing it back TRAVIS: I’ll go fetch it No, somebody has to go over there and fetch it and throw it back SAM: I’ll go LAURA: Why? SAM: We’re playing back and forthies I’ll go over– LIAM: Frumpkin goes and brings it back, and will continue to do so MATT: Carrying it in their mouth SAM: I’m tossing MATT: All right Strength or dex? SAM: Dex Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, check or? MATT: Just add your dexterity modifier SAM: Am I still drunk? MATT: Yes, you are Technically it’s an attack roll, so you don’t have to– SAM: Okay Well then, it’s still nine MATT: Nine TRAVIS and MARISHA: Nein! MATT: Much like Robin Hood split his own arrow, you throw it in the exact same corner that Fjord did, with no improvement TRAVIS: Ey, hey hey! SAM: The group, the group TRAVIS: Yes, grouping MATT: Almost surprisingly accurate for the wrong direction So well done Frumpkin goes ahead and retrieves it, and in the mouth, (purrs), drops it MARISHA: Thanks, kitty cat SAM: Come on, Beau MATT: Strength or dex, ad your modifier MARISHA: Dex SAM: Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy MARISHA: Hang on, that’s heavy, that’s a heavy one MATT: (impact) Oh no TRAVIS: Are you throwing this into the backboard of your– MARISHA: That’s how he did it LIAM: Bank shot LAURA: Oh no MARISHA: 10 MATT: 10 TRAVIS: Wow, I’m glad this doesn’t count for anything life-threatening right now (laughter) MATT: This one actually hits the tankard, but it hits the very edge of the rim and then bounces off So it’s the closest anyone’s gotten, but definitely not within the actual cup SAM: Just trying to get closest LAURA: Here we go, here we go, here we go SAM: Come on, Jessie TRAVIS: I was expecting way better MARISHA: Mead creeps up on you LAURA: I’m up LIAM: Get it, get it SAM: Yeah MATT: Strength or dex, your choice SAM: Right in the hole LAURA: I’m going to go dex Wait, no I’ll go, yeah, dex SAM: Put this ball in the hole MATT: So add your dex modifier, not your saving throw LAURA: 14 MATT: 14 SAM: In the teens now MATT: You go ahead and lob the small sphere of condensed, tangled bits of vine, and it actually enters the cup, and like slowly rolls, and almost tumbles out, but then stays within (cheering) TRAVIS: What what! SAM: Nice! She hasn’t been drinking TALIESIN: Just because, I got to try too, all right All right Going for dex MICA: Oh TALIESIN: 11 MATT: 11 It hits the corner and like, circles a bit before it spins off and doesn’t land inside TRAVIS: So close TALIESIN: That’s fair, that’s fair SAM: Well, there we have it Reani, are you competing as well, or no? MICA: I mean, I don’t want to keep the stone, but I can try TRAVIS: Yeah, why not MICA: Okay All right, wait, everybody threw it LAURA: I know, I didn’t throw mine, I should’ve thrown it SAM: Well, you won TALIESIN: Hey LAURA: Oh Oh, whoa MATT: Strength or dex MICA: That’s 15 MATT: 15 Inside the cup, rests directly, like almost a swish, not quite, it does hit the edge of it TRAVIS: Well done MARISHA: She’s got to be fucking good at everything MICA: I did it SAM: Good back spin LAURA: I did it MICA: I did it. (giggles) (laughter) TALIESIN: Good call SAM: Wow TRAVIS: Excellent LAURA: Wow SAM: Well, I guess you get to keep it MICA: No! LAURA: You don’t want to? MARISHA: You should give it to Umi MICA: Do you think Umi would like it?
TRAVIS: Well (Travis and Laura talking at once) TRAVIS: I think it’s in safe hands with Jester, and she’ll use it expertly to, you know, get us out of some arcane shit SAM: Reani is a superhero TALIESIN: On the other hand– TRAVIS: She doesn’t need help, she’s a superhero SAM: Okay, that’s fair TALIESIN: On the other hand, that chain mail might be a perfect fit LAURA: I do have Dispel Magic already, so I feel like somebody else really should use this SAM: Someone like Reani? LAURA: Someone– LIAM: How far are you able to– Jester? LAURA: Huh? LIAM: How far out are you able to dispel things? LAURA: That’s a good question Probably pretty far, but maybe not that far MICA: Can we give it to Beau because Beau is strong? SAM: Sure LAURA: I mean, I’m stronger than Beau I don’t want to like brag or anything, but I am really fucking strong MICA: But if you can dispel magic, then you already have it– LAURA: But yeah, Beau really needs it, and I can do it up to 120 feet, which really is pretty far MICA: And Beau smacked a yeti in the face and it died MARISHA: This feels like a consolation prize Am I being pitied? TRAVIS: Yes, absolutely MARISHA: Do you want it? TRAVIS: Yes, thank you (laughter) MICA: I was trying to help SAM: Good contest, everyone (laughter) TRAVIS: Four, four items (Count Von Count laughter) Yes, boom! MICA: We need to get you a Rolodex, damn TRAVIS: Read ’em and weep, bitches Oh shit, no! Three! (laughter) MATT: And just like that MICA: Three items TRAVIS: He giveth and he taketh away TALIESIN: I think the chain mail might be a nice gift TRAVIS: To Umi, yes LAURA: Oh, I just put it on, but I can take it off (laughter) TRAVIS: Jester, put it back on SAM: Do you need it, Caduceus? TALIESIN: I’m fine SAM: Okay Here, Reani, oh wait, do you need it? LAURA: I mean, it’s better than my armor, but I don’t– SAM: Well, then keep it, keep it, keep it TRAVIS: We have the white dragon scale, it’s a wonderful gift MICA: We have the dragon scale, he’ll be happy TALIESIN: All right. Let’s– SAM: All right, let’s plan TALIESIN: Let’s go deliver the goods, and then we’ll talk about the next step of this mission SAM: Okay We’ll go to– TALIESIN: And maybe a nap TRAVIS and SAM: Omigerd TALIESIN: Because a lot’s happened today SAM: Shmerberg MATT: Okay TALIESIN: Urma Ermagerd? MATT: You guys go ahead and make your way back to the Anvil of Smeltborne LIAM: Actually, Caleb waits till everyone walks out and looks across the room with a cup and pulls out a little wad of bat shit LAURA: You’re going to do it? LIAM: 16 (laughter) MATT: Bloop Nothing but mug (clapping) That was beautiful MICA: Frumpkin saw it and that’s all that counts MATT: And Frumpkin won’t tell anyone Frumpkin keeps all the secrets (laughter) MICA: Later that night Speaks with Animals So what happened when we left? MATT: Let me tell you, girl Shit was cray All right You guys make your way to the Anvil of Smeltborne outside of the Moradin’s Mantle temple You guys good? Have any questions? SAM: Just about armor class MATT: Okay, gotcha LAURA: Because I put on this, and it’s AC 14, and I took off my studded armor, which is AC 12, but my armor class didn’t go up MATT: Because the higher tiers of armor don’t allow as much of your dex modifier, possibly LAURA: Oh Here Reani (laughter) I think you should use this, try it out MATT: What’s your dex bonus? LAURA: Plus four MATT: Your dex bonus is plus four? So yeah, so there’s going to be a limitation to the dex modifier the armor will allow, unfortunately TALIESIN: Dex modifiers, man MATT: Yeah, she rolled some crazy stats LAURA: Here you go MICA: Okay, thank you I’m going to give it to Umi MATT: As you approach the exterior of the Smeltborne Anvil, you can hear the clanging of metal against metal, familiar to the last time you were here However, as you enter, you do not see Umagorn at the forge, instead you see Deilin, as she’s in the process of hammering some sort of a small metallic object of some kind, holding it with tongs and just lightly tapping it against the side of the anvil Off in the corner, you see with a big mug of some sort of steaming liquid, and currently in the process of thumbing through a book, you see Umagorn, hair a bit disarray, dirty brow, glance up and go, “Ooh, you’ve all returned already “That’s faster than I expected “Or have you not left yet?” MICA: Guess what, we lived!
LAURA: We killed a dragon MICA: We didn’t kill it LAURA: Slaughtered it dead MICA: Jester! SAM: The only thing left is this one dragon scale MATT: Make a deception check (laughter) LAURA: One (laughter) MATT: Umagorn goes, “Right “Well, congratulations on taking down–” LAURA: Thank you so much, we’re so hardcore MATT: “I’m blown away by your skill “Did you actually go?” MICA: We did. Guess what! And I fish out the scale I’m like: I got you a thing. And I hold up the chain mail, I’m like we got you a thing, and we got you a thing! MATT: He puts down what you can see now is coffee and it sloshes on the side of his mug, goes, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you serious?” LAURA: Which one do you want first? MICA: So many MATT: “Well, the mithral.” MICA: That makes sense He holds it and goes, “Ow.” You see him moving it from hand to hand as the cold temperature of it burns his fingers, he’s like, he looks up at you with a look that just says how are you holding it so easily? Then sets it on the table and looks it over “I’m going to be perfectly honest “This is the first time I’ve actually seen this “This is really impressive “I’ve only read about this material “So it’s–” SAM: But you can work with it, right? MATT: “I have all the notes for it.” SAM: Notes? MATT: “Right.” TALIESIN: Yeah LAURA: Yeah MARISHA: You’re sure it’s blue enough, based on what you’ve read? TRAVIS: It better be, we’re not going back MARISHA: I know MATT: He takes it and holds it in his hand “I’m pretty sure that’s good to go.” TALIESIN: Do you need to take it to the anvil, or is it going to be okay to do it here? Do you need– MATT: “Oh, no, this needs to be forged “where it was originally reinforced “We’re going to have to make a trip to the Cinderrest.” SAM: We should get the stuff TALIESIN: We should get what we need, then LAURA: The glass before, yeah TRAVIS: Refined asiduum LAURA: Yeah TRAVIS: Next stop MATT: “What’s that?” MARISHA: He was abbreviating, or truncating, or don’t worry about it MATT: “What else are you holding there?” MICA: I have a scale and I have chain mail Oh my god, it rhymes Gifts MATT: “Is this…” LAURA: It’s elven chain mail LIAM: It’s jifts MATT: “That’s beautiful “Wow.” LAURA: I was going to keep it, but then we were like, Oh my gosh, Umi probably needs it more than anyone else, he could probably use it MATT: “I mean, I could look at this, and maybe just “from inspecting it and doing a bit of research, “I can look to maybe make a similar type armor.” LAURA: Oh, good MICA: Yeah MATT: “I haven’t quite spent too much time “researching the old ways of elven smithing “Sticking to my lineage, but maybe it’s time “to cross over a bit, huh?” LAURA: I mean, there’s plenty of elves here, they would probably be happy to patronize your shop MATT: (chuckles) You see him jangling it in his hand and he holds it “That’s very light.” Tosses it over his shoulder and looks at the scale “That’s pretty “Lighter than I expected.” MICA: Do you like it? MATT: “It’s very nice, thank you.” MICA: Guess what, guess what, I didn’t die MATT: “I’m proud of you.” MICA: Thanks MATT: “Don’t go and do that again “Don’t push it “I’m proud of you.” MICA: Thanks MATT: He pats you on the shoulder TRAVIS: Do you have a lot of experience making other protective items? Armor, things that might keep a newly squishy person a bit less squish? MICA: Umi, he’s talking about himself Can you help him not be squishy? TRAVIS: Or anyone else with an attractive face and squishy characteristics LIAM: Also DM, I have a question Chain mail in the book, says you need a strength of 13 to wear it, is that true for this chain mail? MATT: Yes Well, hold on, what does it say specifically? LIAM: I don’t have it anymore TALIESIN: Even if you are not proficient with medium armor Lack proficiency with medium armor MATT: Right MICA: Would you like to read the paper? LAURA: Yeah, it doesn’t say anything about It’s still 20 pounds MATT: Still 20 pounds, 20 pounds is still less than it is in the book, if I’m correct, right? What’s the weight of– LIAM: 55 pounds LAURA: Yeah, so, that’s way better. MATT: So I would, that doesn’t make much sense to me I’d say the purpose of elven chain mail initially is that it’s meant to be much more lightweight and probably would not have the same strength requirement, in my opinion LIAM: Okay SAM: So he could wear it? MATT: That’s how I’m ruling it in my campaign TRAVIS: Yeah! SAM: (sings piano music) TRAVIS: Don’t (laughter) LAURA: So we gave it away, but you could use it LIAM: Could possibly use– MATT: Nott suffers 14 points of damage SAM: Oh no (laughter) MICA: In exchange for the everybody being very nice and helping us get the ice stuff, could we possibly make armor for the squishy people? MATT: “I mean, I can make armor, “but I have armor already made “It depends what you’re looking for
“You need splint mail, you need– “I mean, I make chain mail fine, “that takes a while and I’ve got three bits back here, “but I mean, to be honest, this is better “than what I can make. I’m not an enchanter.” TRAVIS: I’m a little curious about what plate mail might look like, something that actually, you know, protects MATT: “Well that I can do, but–” and he looks you over “I mean no offense, I don’t know if you’ve got “the physique for it.” TRAVIS: Oh Right MATT: He points over in the corner and you see hanging on one of like four different wooden armatures, one is like a torso, there is an upper part of full plate mail. It’s beautifully crafted, large shoulder spaulders and guards that go up past the sides of the head. It’s just gorgeous, with like chain underneath as well as, you know, the interior, what’s called the gambion, the cloth material that’s between the skin and the armor It’s beautiful, looks heavy as fuck, and very cumbersome TRAVIS: Right SAM: I think what he’s saying is that you need deltoids and traps even just to keep it on your form Because you don’t have any of those, it will just slide right off MATT: “If we’re being honest here, and I appreciate “the gifts you’ve given me, but if you’re looking “for armor to protect you, I’ve got no use for this “other than to resell it.” LIAM: I feel awkward taking something back from you, but you know, we also– MATT: “You’re not taking it back from me “I’m giving it back “If you’re looking to keep yourself alive “and you’re going after dragons and some shit like that, “best not get yourself killed,” and he throws the chain back to you SAM: Is that something that you can use? TALIESIN: Anyone can use it TRAVIS: Anyone can use it Caleb could use it LIAM: I could use it LAURA: Put it on, Caleb. You’re so little SAM: Do you not have armor? TRAVIS: I do, I have the mariner’s breastplate LIAM: I start to take off this purple cloak and another inner layer, and I start to slide into this thing Ooh, it’s quiet LAURA: Ish, it’s quiet-ish LIAM: If I put my coat on over it, it’s muffled You can’t hear it TALIESIN: I can hear a bit of it LIAM: Well you can hear and see anything TALIESIN: Yeah, that’s fair MICA: Is it comfy? TRAVIS: Do that again, tap your chest LIAM: (high-pitched) Boobies boobies boobies (laughter) SAM: It does that every time? TRAVIS: Very strange, elves are so mysterious Their ways are foreign and wonderful (laughter) SAM: Those elves MICA: Those elves have their priorities (laughter) MATT: So the idea here is, depending on who decides it, with chain mail, it does give you an AC of 16 base LIAM: Yeah MATT: No dexterity bonus LIAM: Yeah MATT: So, you lose any dex bonus and you– LIAM: That would bring me to 15 SAM: Does it help you? MARISHA: Really? LIAM: It’s 16, but no dex bonus, so I would be at– wait wait wait, yeah That would put me– SAM: 15 or 16? LIAM: This would be higher than I’ve ever, ever been MATT: Does Mage Armor put you at–? LIAM: I go 11 normally, 14 with Mage Armor MATT: Gotcha, so it’d bring you up to 16 LAURA: Wow SAM: Whoa TRAVIS: Enthusiastic yes LAURA: That’s probably the most defended mage in history, I think MATT: Wait, is it chain mail or chain shirt? LIAM: Chain mail MATT: Chain mail, got it What’s it say on there particularly? LIAM: Oh, chain shirt Chain mail, and under it it says chain shirt SAM: It’s a chain shirt MATT: Gotcha, it’s called chain mail, but it is a chain shirt LIAM: (groans) So that’s different MATT: Sorry Chain shirt is 13 plus dex LIAM: Okay SAM: What’s your dex? LIAM: It is 13 plus dex? That still gets me to 14 without Mage Armor So it is still an improvement MATT: But it’s a plus one chain mail, I believe? LAURA: Yes LIAM: Yes? MATT: Correct, which would bring it up to a 15 LIAM: 15 TRAVIS: Oh, happy days are here LIAM: I’m Mr. Frodo (laughter) MATT: Chain mail’s heavy armor (laughter) LIAM: Sam TALIESIN: Everyone gets a stab TRAVIS: Fool of a Took. Yeah MATT: So, elven chain mail is a vestige of older D&D TALIESIN: Dex modifier, yeah Armor’s always weird to figure out That’s fun MATT: Indeed MICA: Oh, he’s so happy LIAM: Yep! Yes I am LAURA: (laughs) MARISHA: It’s nice It refracts the light in a weird way Have this like, disco wizard quality to you Yes MATT: That’s why I was confused with the strength earlier, I was like, “There’s no strength requirement.” For the chain mail there is, not a chain shirt Sorry for confusing myself and I’m sure a lot of you Anyway, Umi’s like, “I mean, I don’t know how soon “you’re looking to go, but we have to pack a bit.” Looks back at Deilin, who’s still working, and walks over to Deilin and gets her attention from the work, and she looks up and kind of wipes her forehead, looks back and sees the rest of you,
smiles and waves, her little waifish elven smile Umi signs to her a bit and she signs back and sets down the tongs, and nods and walks over and starts packing Umi’s like, “Well—- TALIESIN: We have one last bit of business What’s that family name– MATT: “She’s my assistant, so she’s going to have to come with me.” TALIESIN: Oh, of course MATT: “I need all the help I can get.” SAM: We were going to go to the Tumblecarves Tumblecarves? They’re the ones with the red ring? MATT: “What are you going to Tumblecarves for?” LAURA: Have you heard of them? MATT: “Yeah.” LIAM: Are they dicks? MATT: “Yeah! “Stuffy-ass fucking noble family, “bunch of bastards. Why?” SAM: We need to retrieve an– TRAVIS: Normal family? MATT: “Noble.” TRAVIS: Oh SAM: We needed to retrieve an item for Ava? MICA: Yeah, and they told me that if you take something from someone that’s bad, it’s good, so it’s okay MATT: “That’s sound, maybe “Look, if you’re getting tangled in with those folk, “and Ava, just don’t mention my name.” SAM: Okay TRAVIS: We can do that SAM: I don’t really know how to pronounce it TALIESIN: What kind of business are they in, out of curiosity? MATT: “To be honest, I don’t fuckin’ know “It’s not my business.” TRAVIS: Just not well-regarded? MATT: “I don’t mean any offense, but like– “offense is a strange term, but there’s certain castes “in the city where the nobles are “well known for their affiliations “These folk, well, they’re “known to be into some strange stuff TRAVIS: Strange? Like arcanely strange? MATT: “Collectors.” TRAVIS: Oh MATT: “They tend to send out servants “looking for odds and ends, “and then they show up suddenly and mysteriously “knowing about things that just made their way “into town for sale, strange collectibles “They’re very in the know.” LAURA: Oh, they’re going to have so many things I bet they’re going to have traps, though TRAVIS: Hands in your pockets when we go in LAURA: I don’t ever steal things SAM: I do MARISHA: Has there been any rumor of criminal activity that they’ve been involved in, smuggling? MATT: “I haven’t the foggiest “Tumblecarves tend to keep to their own “I think I’ve only walked past maybe one or two of them, “and they just look like right pricks, anyway.” MARISHA: Would I have any knowledge of that name? MATT: You can make a history check MARISHA: Okay MICA: Question, does this crew run with that one bad faction that’s name is escaping me? MATT: You haven’t really had any interaction with the Tumblecarves at all Like may have heard the name once, but that’s about it MICA: All right MARISHA: 21 MATT: 21 Because it’s Uthodurn and you spent most of your life in the Empire, I’d say you may have read the name in a book once in just a paragraph talking about the diarchy of Uthodurn and the various noble families in power But, you’ve heard of it, you know it’s a legitimate noble family, you know that they’ve been part of Uthodurnian society installed for probably 10 generations or so So they’re old blood MARISHA: Okay MATT: That’s like dwarven generations, too, which is– we’re looking at probably been involved since, you know, a few centuries after the Calamity So they’ve been around for hundreds of years As a noble family That’s the best that you can make out But that’s something MARISHA: Okay TALIESIN: I mean, we’re going to be okay We’ve got a good plan Or we’re going to have a good plan (laughter) MICA: I mean, I think if we got stuff back from a dragon that almost killed us, we can get stuff back from a bunch of nobles MATT: “You’re not wrong “With that comparison, I think you’re on a roll “Just don’t be stupid.” MARISHA: Is it bad that the nobles scare me more than a dragon? TALIESIN: No, I’m actually having a lot of– more tension, feeling of tension LIAM: We have some experience with that sort of thing, though, our group TALIESIN: We do? LIAM: Apologies, before your time TALIESIN: Oh, oh LAURA: Yeah, and Beau almost died wrapped up in a carpet MICA: No! LAURA: Yeah TALIESIN: I could see that LAURA: Okay, no carpets for Beau TRAVIS: Yes, no dying by rug MARISHA: Well– SAM: Different kind TRAVIS: Oh my fucking– MARISHA: I mean– LIAM: Beau fell prey to a rug muncher. It is true (laughter) TRAVIS: Little lob and just dunk TALIESIN: I can’t remember, are you above me or below me? MARISHA: Huh?
TALIESIN: Above me or below me on the screen? I can never remember MARISHA: I think I’m below you TALIESIN: All right, fist bump (laughter) TALIESIN: That was good MICA: That was so smooth TALIESIN: So proud SAM: Just to clarify, we need to go reclaim, liberate from these nobles because we need refined residuum glass And my bag of residuum is not good enough We already tried that, right? TALIESIN: We did SAM: Okay LAURA: We need the crystals that Ava has SAM: And we’re sure that we will get refined residuum glass if we complete this mission LAURA: Yes MATT: You were shown a sizeable quantity of it by Ava SAM: Okay, then where do we go? Reani? LAURA: You know where the Tumblecarves live? MATT: You probably haven’t been there, but you ask Umi, if you want to, and he goes, “If you’re looking for them, “they’re on the Liber Disk “Go for the Demerant Circle.” SAM: Derp! MATT: “There’s a bunch of wealthy families who live in that space, “I’m pretty sure they’re about there “(sighs) It’s like a three-story home “Back wall shaped like a wedge like the front of a ship “Crystal windows.” LAURA: Have they got three story balconies? SAM: Yep, they’ve got a balcony that’s three stories high Single-level house (laughter) MATT: Definitely built in the ’70s MICA: Shag carpet? MATT: Yeah. (laughs) It’s got one of those recessed den pits SAM: By the way, Umagorn? Umagorn MATT: “Yeah?” SAM: What time is it right now? MATT: At this point, you guys have been out for the day, you just returned. I’d say it’s pushing into evening probably, especially after you guys have been drinking for a bit, it’s evening, it’s evening MARISHA: Question, has it been the two evenings since I talked to Archivist Stars– SAM and TALIESIN: Skarsgaard LAURA: Alexander Skarsgaard MARISHA: Demid! Wait. Yes When we talked about meeting up and talking about– LAURA: Oh, meeting at the IHOP? MICA: Oh yeah, the Denny’s parking lot (laughter) MATT: Yes, it would’ve been two days, because– MARISHA: So that’s tonight? MATT: Because we did say that you guys had had a night’s rest, though I think it may have gotten a little muddled between episodes, Because that happens occasionally But before you went to the Mythburrow, exactly, we did say you guys took a full rest beforehand, so that would put us at two days MARISHA: So that would be tonight, theoretically, that that would be taking place MATT: Yeah, if you wanted to follow up on that MARISHA: If I wanted to do that, okay MATT: Your call MARISHA: All right MICA: Would anybody like to sleep over at my house before we go? SAM: Sure MICA: We had a long day, and I can make, I don’t know, hot chocolate? SAM: Can you fit all of us in your– MICA: Well, we’re going to have to smush, and maybe we can all just sleep out in the den, and we can light a fire and tell stories LAURA: And build a pillow fort? MICA: Build a pillow fort! But you guys are welcome to stay over and then you don’t have to pay inn fees LAURA: That’s nice MARISHA: Yeah TALIESIN: I’m okay with that LAURA: Would we sleep now and then get up like, in the middle of the night and go to the Tumblecarves? Or are we going to check it out before we go do this? LIAM: We should get a look at the place MICA: Check it out first LAURA: Let’s walk by there MICA: It’s just been a long– I know that we had a long journey, and if anybody wants to just– MATT: It’s about a 30 minute walk from where you are SAM: So we could go, come back LAURA: Let’s go check it out and then go hang out at your house MICA: We can get cupcakes on the way back LAURA: Fuck yeah MATT: All right, so following the instructions, you head towards the Demerant Circle in the Liber Disk Looking around, there’s a few homesteads that definitely stand above and beyond the others in the vicinity You see a handful of them that– it’s interesting, in this one section amongst the large tunnel that forms the auger-like spiral of the entire city, in the Demerant Circle, there is a whole section of the wall where you can see tunnels are carved into the side with staircases that switch back and up and at certain locations there, you can see elven abodes that are four, five stories that are built into the rock, and because they’re built into the rock, they’re designed in odd shapes that shouldn’t form a homestead It’s almost like– imagine a Swiss Family Robinson treehouse but halfway built into a rock with no tree So there’s a number of these, and almost like, some of them appear to have been competitively designed and expanded to try and outdo each other. Those are above On the base floor you can see mainly the dwarven estates of the different noble dwarven families Keeping an eye out past one that has its own thickly built subterranean garden that is surrounding its home, you do find one area where there’s an alcove that pushes in
further than the wall of the cave, and there, sitting in that space, you see what looks like a wedged-shaped three story home, matching the description you’ve been given You can see this wedge as it protrudes and meets the front where this alcove begins There are windows and doors on each side and there are balconies that are set up on either side, the third story balcony itself being of the most grandiose of it with chairs set above it, and lanterns hanging. The lanterns are currently out There is no light from the interior You do see, in a glance over there, two guards patrolling the exterior of the house Not glassblades. They’re not official They look to be privately hired to keep an eye on the estate What you do see from the windows, the texture is crystalline, not smooth They’re almost meant to obfuscate any sort of interior imagery The wood frames of the doors and much of the structure itself, smooth, well-made Everything here is very beautiful It’s not grandiose in size in comparison to other homesteads here, but what is there looks to be meticulously placed, designed, and a lot of care has been taken in the details So, that is what you see before you MICA: Question. Are there any roaming animals? Like cats or dogs or birds or goats or TRAVIS: Keep going MICA: Any just animals about? (laughs) Giraffes, rhinos MATT: Right, no rhinos MICA: Oh, damn MATT: There are occasionally birds that find their way down here, either accidentally, and there are a few subterranean birds that nest within the city, but they’re usually on the top side. They’re usually hanging up in the– SAM: Volition Disk? MATT: The Volition Disk, the top disk MICA: So I don’t see any– MATT: Not in this area LAURA: Mice? MATT: There are mice. There’s mice, there’s rodents, oh yeah, there’s all sorts of like, voles and other sorts of rodent-type creatures that exist, both on the natural interior of the city and off of whatever scraps fall from people that live here One beautiful thing you do notice about this area, too, the stone pillars here that normally hold aloft the over-arch of the walkway on this end have been carved to look like trees They are these thick striations that head up to where, as opposed to just these large stone structures Everything here has an extra layer of decor consideration to its design and construction SAM: Rainforest Cafe? (laughter) MATT: Yes, exactly There’s an animatronic gorilla who keeps like making the same motion You do also see numerous glowing, hanging glass lanterns hung amongst a lot of these tree pillars, with little arcane firelight motes that sparkle around the outside of it LAURA: It looks like ours! TALIESIN: It is like ours MATT: Looking straight up at the cavern roof over this area too, it appears to be enchanted or painted You’re not quite sure For being subterranean, it almost looks like a starscape There’s thousands of tiny little pin lights that flicker in and out This vicinity has been designed to feel like you’re more outside than the rest of the interior MICA: That’s so romantic LIAM: Sorry DM, you said that the Tumblecarves building is not built into the wall. It’s standalone on its own MATT: It’s built into an alcove within the far wall The base of it, yeah LIAM: And the guards, you said they’re patrolling Are they ground level? MATT: level, yeah MICA: And you said the mice that– are they nearby? Like are they by our feet? MATT: I mean, there isn’t like a perpetual cloud of mice around your feet, but mice and rodents do live in these areas, so if you were to search for one or find a way to try and invoke one, you could probably– MICA: May I search for a mouse? MATT: Sure, go ahead and roll a perception check for me Or actually, a nature check Actually TRAVIS: All the checks MATT: Sorry Yes, perception MICA: Perception? Okay, should I keep that roll? MATT: Yeah, keep that one MICA: Okay, that was a six Six plus eight SAM: Oh, wow MICA: 14 SAM: Damn MATT: 14 Okay It takes you a little bit of time, but eventually you don’t find a mouse, you find mouse droppings, which leads you to a number of small dug holes nearby the base of one of the small guard houses, and you can probably tell there are a number of mice that live within or underneath this guard house LAURA: What about bats? Are there bats down here? MATT: Make a perception check LAURA: 17 MATT: 17 Glancing up amongst the higher area of the tree-like pillar and the roof area where the flickering lights are, you glance up and focus with what little light there is and you notice there are hundreds upon hundreds of bats
that are all dangling, that are just now starting to wake up You can just barely hear the squeaks as it’s now pushing into the nocturnal period of the night, and the elements of this bat cluster are beginning to come to consciousness and prepare for the evening’s hunt within and outside of the city LAURA: How smart were those bats when you were talking to them before? MICA: Eh, they can get the job done LAURA: Do you think they would, like, lose track of what they were doing and start eating a curtain? MICA: No, I think they’d probably come back and then forget whatever they told me, but they’d remember enough LAURA: They would remember that they were supposed to go do something MICA: Yeah LAURA: Okay MICA: I’d like to cast to Speak with Animals MATT: Okay MICA: And are we in sight line of the guards? MATT: You’re not– you’re not at the gates staring at them MICA: Right MATT: So you look like, you know, some loiterers that are just wandering through a richer neighborhood than you all should probably be in, by their standards MICA: So I’d like to kind of, hello, bat friends? MATT: Okay They’re like, over 100 feet above you, so a whisper’s not going to reach them You have to find some way to– MICA: Can someone help me get their attention? TALIESIN: I can throw my voice a bit MICA: Yeah LAURA: I can turn into a bat and go talk to them MICA: I can– oh, I can’t SAM: I can throw a bomb MICA: No, no, we don’t want to hurt our bat friends MATT: You have had a short rest while you guys were drinking MICA: Oh, we have? MATT: Well, you guys spent a good hour or so in that tavern MICA: Then just kidding Why don’t we both go up as bats and go see if we can get some friends and then we can fly into the house and see where the ring is? LAURA: Okay Do you think they would notice that a bunch of bats were in the house? MICA: Maybe Hmm, okay, let’s think of something– LAURA: But what if we were bats MICA: Mm-hmm LAURA: Then we went in through– is there a fireplace, is there a chimney on the house? MATT: No LAURA: Is there– MATT: You don’t see a chimney, at least Which is generally, I mean some of the buildings in this subterranean city do have chimneys, but they don’t just open up and then fill the interior space with smoke A lot of them seem to, or the places that do have chimneys have them built near pillars and then merge with the pillars, and you assume the pillars themselves probably continue a flue that eventually sits outside the mountain, which now you think about it, when you approached the city, you saw a series of these small plumes of smoke rising off the mountain Those all appear to be the exits of the gathered collective chimneys of the city LAURA: Fucking cool TRAVIS: Going down through a chimney and roll the dice on which exit (laughter) MATT: Yeah! Party pachinko, let’s do this! (laughter) MATT: What could possibly go wrong? MARISHA: The windows that you described, they appear to be like, embedded stained glass type of thing? There’s no window entrance or latch? MATT: From the ones that you can see at the front, make a perception check MARISHA: All right LAURA and MICA: (inaudible whispering) MARISHA: Okay, 19 MATT: 19 They do appear to have latches MARISHA: Okay MATT: But they are interior latches MARISHA: Okay MATT: They’re latched from the inside and they’re basically dual windows that open outward, but they are currently closed and latched on the other side The windows themselves, it’s less like a stained glass, like the glass itself is uneven, and is developed to look beautifully rough and also obfuscates what is on the inside You can see shapes maybe from the inside MARISHA: Shower glass MATT: Kind of, yeah TALIESIN: How far away we away from the house right now in number of feet, like– MATT: At this moment? TALIESIN: Yeah MATT: You’re probably about 150 feet away TALIESIN: All right LAURA: Let’s hide and turn into bats MICA: I like this idea LAURA: Hey Caleb Caleb, Caleb, Caleb, Caleb, Caleb Do you want to hide and turn into a bat with us and we can all go look in the windows? LIAM: They are very slow creatures Not slow, but slow LAURA: I’m just saying to fly. I don’t want to go in there right now. We just want to, you know, check out the house around to see if there are any openings on the back side of it TRAVIS: Just to bring up the old shit, you’ve been a bat before and it went piss sideways SAM: That was a moth. That was a moth TRAVIS: Right, sorry, they’re all the same to me, okay LAURA: No, actually, I think we were bats at one point, too TRAVIS: I thought it was outside of the hobgoblin with the sword and then the bat– LAURA: No, that was a moth MICA: Didn’t you turn into a bat? LAURA: No no no MICA: My bat friends helped us with the dragons MARISHA: We were bats in campaign one LAURA: That’s what it was (laughter) SAM: We’ve had good recent experience with bats MICA: So what if we turn into bats and we go talk to those bats, those bats can help us, and then collectively we all as a bat family go and look in windows and there’s power in numbers LAURA: Or, what if– I also have an idea What if we just turn into a few bats MICA: Okay LAURA: Go check out around the house, see if there’s any way we can sneak MICA: Can do LAURA: I can turn out of a bat and paint a doorway
MICA and SAM: (gasping) TRAVIS: Also, I do– SAM: Are we doing this tonight? TALIESIN: No, tomorrow TRAVIS: I do have a very rare item that allows you to stick a dagger in a keyhole, turn it, and it locks the door and nothing else can open the door except for the dagger you all gave to me SAM: So the guards couldn’t come in TRAVIS: Right MICA: Unless they set the door on fire SAM: Well, they would have to step through then LAURA: They’d have to– in order to set the door on fire, they’d have to set the whole house on fire SAM: That seems– TALIESIN: Counterproductive, really, in the end MARISHA: Do we want to do a stakeout and see if we can see the Tumblecarves entering and exiting? LAURA: We should just do a little stakeout right now Don’t go in and– we do this all the time We’re not going to go in SAM: I’m going to turn invisible (laughter) MATT: This is going to be great LAURA: I do think we just turn into bats and just go see what we see LIAM: Yeah, step one, we bat around and get the lay of the land here for this building LAURA: Do bats have bad vision? SAM: No, they have no vision. They hear things MATT: Echolocation LAURA: Oh, well, maybe bats– MATT: Which is fine, they can see. Echolocation is– TALIESIN: They can see SAM: Don’t sight shame bats MATT: Yeah, they get around just fine TALIESIN: They’re good LAURA: Okay, okay, let’s do it LIAM: So that’s step one and then step two is we need to watch this place for a considerable amount of time MARISHA: Fjord and I and Caduceus will start the watching LAURA: We will turn into bats, and then what are you going to do, Nott? SAM: Whatever you want me to do Do you want me to be a support? Do you want me to be invisible in case you fall and I can catch you? I don’t know, what do you want me to do? LAURA: No, just stay here with everybody SAM: All right, I’ll just stay here (laughter) MARISHA: It’s fun being a lookout SAM: Is it? MARISHA: No (laughter) SAM: I’ll probably say I’ll stay here and then I’ll just go in anyway TALIESIN: Mm-hmm MARISHA: Classic LIAM: I set Frumpkin on her shoulders MARISHA: Classic Nott. Classic Nott LIAM: And smile at Nott and then think telepathically to Frumpkin: Keep an eye on her SAM: On me? LIAM: You didn’t hear anything SAM: Oh (laughter) LIAM: Then I cast Fortune’s Favor on the bat squad One, two, three MATT: All right TRAVIS: (whispers) Bat Squad MATT: Okay, so you each have one reroll for the next hour LAURA: Awesome MATT: So, what are you doing? LAURA: We’re going to hide MATT: All three of you? LAURA: No, Caleb– SAM: All of us are going to hide across the street, right? LAURA: Well, ish, look chill, but– MATT: So you guys keep low-key, like a couple of high schoolers hanging outside of a Ross parking lot at like 2AM, totally inconspicuous LAURA: Is it around 2AM? MATT: No no no You’re in the cusp of the evening You’ve just now gotten to the night, so it’s like the equivalent of 8:30, 9PM LAURA: So maybe let’s wait until all the bats start to really wake up, and then we’ll do it, so it makes it normal TALIESIN: Is there anywhere for us to watch the house that is not terribly conspicuous? MATT: Right. Actually, it’d probably be a little bit earlier because you guys did sleep in the dragon’s in Mythburrow before going into the chaos, so after coming back about midday, drinking, you’re still pre-dusk. Still relatively early, actually LAURA: Oh, okay MATT: Comparatively LAURA: So there are no bats flying around now or there are– MATT: They’re starting to. It’s getting towards dusk LAURA: Okay MATT: I’m no changing that on you LAURA: Okay MICA: Question MATT: Yes MICA: Bat intelligence, are they smart enough if we were to ask them to do a thing, they would remember to do that thing? MATT: Maybe. It depends how complicated the ask is MICA: Okay MATT: You know, they’re creatures They aren’t extremely stupid MICA: Right It’s not a worm MATT: But complicated things might– MICA: A simple request may MATT: Possibly, if it wants to MICA: Fuck TRAVIS: Great odds Stoked to do it MARISHA: Yeah To Caduceus’s question though, is there like a rooftop or shady alleyway, or– TALIESIN: Park with a bench MARISHA: Yeah, some place that looks like we could sit and be inconspicuous and watch? MATT: There is a subterranean park at one of the road– the cross-section of one of the nearby neighborhood roads where you can see in the center there, there is a small circle that has two stone benches, two leafless trees that upon approaching, you see are actually carved. They’re carved of marble, and it looks like branches, but they’re smooth and they bend and wind It’s a really beautiful art piece that sits there in the center So it’s like a little fake garden sitting space It’s nice MARISHA: We have a pretty good view of the gate and the Tumblecarves’ estate from there? MATT: It’s about 150, 200 feet away from you, so it’s a distance. You can see it, but you don’t have an amazing view of it to remain inconspicuous TALIESIN: If something happens, we’ll just get up and walk that direction anyway. Keep going MARISHA: Okay MATT: Okay Cool So you guys go ahead and situate yourself there?
TALIESIN: Hmm MARISHA: Yeah, on the– TALIESIN: Feed some birds MARISHA: On the edge SAM: I’m going to practice my ollies, if we’re going to be teenagers in the Ralph’s (laughter) TRAVIS: Oh my god MATT: Perfect Practice that butterfly knife you bought off Ebay? TALIESIN: Whoa, bring it back MICA: Only if it’s a rainbow butterfly knife, like one of those horrible metals MATT: Oh yeah MATT: What were you saying? MARISHA: We’re watching TRAVIS: Ashley’ll learn you some butterfly knife LIAM: Yeah, that is an insult to Ashley Johnson MATT: Ashley Johnson, world’s best secret badass, man She will cut a bitch All right, so, you guys arrange yourself inconspicuously at the crossroad little courtyard space The rest of you are becoming bats LAURA: Yes LIAM: Out of sight MATT: All right SAM: Caduceus, are you becoming a bat? TALIESIN: No, I’m just making the bat hands MATT: He wants to feel involved LAURA: Okay, no, they’re real stupid. Okay I was like, I put it in Wild Shape by mistake, so no MATT: Yeah, so (popping) You are three bats (squeaking) Making your way (flapping) All right, what are you doing as bats? LAURA: As bats, we’re going to fly over to the house– MATT: You maintain your full intellect as well LAURA: Yeah, we’re real dumb MATT: Your mental scores remain the same in animal form because of Wild Shape MICA: Can I speak to other bats as a bat? MATT: Well, you cast Speak With Animals MICA: I did cast Speak With Animals MATT: So you still have that, yeah MICA: So before we go over, I’d like to fly up to the bunch and see if there are any awake MATT: There are. They’re waking up, and the equivalent of what you hear is like, (as Bat 1) “Oh man, I’m hungry. Breakfast anyone?” (as Bat 2) “Yeah, let’s get breakfast.” (as Bat 1) “All right, Steve, you okay?” (as Steve Bat) “I’m still groggy.” Like they’re just, they’re getting out of their long night’s sleep and they’re starting to get that stomach rumble TALIESIN: Disney bats MATT: Yep MICA: I go, hello, friends MATT: (as various bats) “Hello,” “Hello,” “Hello,” “Hello.” MICA: I have a quick question for everybody who’s awake currently MATT: “Slow down, what was that?” MICA: Oh, sorry, I have a question MATT: “Okay.” TRAVIS: Get the fuck outta here MICA: Do you know anything about the people who live in the house? MATT: “No?” MICA: No? TRAVIS: Shit MICA: Have you seen people leave recently? MATT: “Uh “I mean, there have been a few days.” MICA: Oh If I brought you back food later, could you help me with something? MATT: “Maybe?” (laughter) The other guy’s like, “What food?” (laughter) MICA: Do you like bread? LAURA: I like bread MATT: They both look at each other and hear that and go, “I like bread,” “I like bread.” They seem to be more interested in chiming in as a group than actually considering how much they like bread MICA: I bring you lots of bread for a favor MATT: “Okay,” “Okay,” “Oh-kay.” MICA: My friends and I are going to go into the house If anything looks bad, like not them come in, squeak loud (laughter) TALIESIN: Or forever hold your peace MICA: And then you get bread LAURA: I like bread MATT: “I like bread,” “I like bread,” “I like bread,” “I like bread.” Make a persuasion check MICA: Fuck! (laughter) TALIESIN: I feel like advantage with a rube, you have a rube here MATT: Sure, I’ll give you advantage, why not MICA: Oh, thank fuck Mm, that one’s better Wait, what’d you say, persuasion? 12? MATT: 12? LAURA: Oh yeah, you could– LIAM: You got a third reroll if you really need it LAURA: — third reroll if you wanted to use it MATT: It’s up to you, or you could save it LIAM: Fortune’s Favor TRAVIS: Save it MICA: I’m going to use the pink one TRAVIS: It’s bats, it’s bats! MATT: All right, she’s using it MICA: Ooh! 13 MATT: Okay, all right, hell yeah MICA: Oh, he said hell yeah MATT: Hell yeah! You just, you concentrate for a second as you stare at them and you watch this small little poof of gray energy (poofs) as the fragment of possibility, time-space bends briefly, magic that shifts the very fabric of the cosmos (laughter) TRAVIS: It’s expended MATT: And you add a wink (laughter) The bats go, “Sure, right?” “Yeah.” “Yeah,” “Okay, yeah, yeah.” TRAVIS: Good use SAM: I like bread MICA: Yeah LAURA: I like bread MATT: “I like bread,” “I like bread.” TALIESIN: Nature is topsy turvy to convince a bunch of bats to eat carbs MATT: Yep MICA: Thank you MATT: Fucking up their paleo diet MICA: Damn Sorry, it’s cheat day You’re welcome to the bread There you go MICA: I just say: Thank you, friends The bread will come later MATT: “Okay,” “Okay,” “Okay,” “Bread.” MICA: And then I fly back to Jester
LAURA: I was hanging out there with you MICA: Oh, you were? Okay. I gotcha, I gotcha MATT: You go to join them and realize that they’re both joining you, and you circle for a minute MICA: Oh my god, oh, right, bats LAURA: Hi LIAM: Do you think that the three of us could have some of the bread now? MICA: I don’t have any bread on me LAURA: Oh, but you promised bread MICA: Bread after (laughter) LIAM: Where are you keeping the bread? MICA: Oh god, are they just as dumb as bats? MATT: Well, you still have your personalities, you still– it’s not quite a moth scenario here You have enough intellect to like, to know how to recall basic elements of your goals LIAM: Yeah, I’m smart enough to ask where the bread is MICA: That’s valid MATT: Valid point LAURA: Should we go do something? MICA: We look in the windows LIAM: We’re looking at the building LAURA: Okay LIAM: And looking for bread, let’s go SAM: [inaudible] MATT: You all make your way down to the house There are the three stories, there’s a balcony each story, there’s the top story is the larger balconies Where are you going? MICA: I’m going to go on the topmost floor LAURA: I’m going to fly around the back of the house and see what’s going on back there LIAM: I’m going to go to the roof and look for bread MATT: Okay MICA: Oh no MATT: Perception check, perception check, Investigation check, using the bat’s– LIAM: I’m not Caleb MICA: Oh yeah, the bat’s– fuck MATT: Well, you use your perception Well no, use your wisdom plus the bat’s MICA: It says perception, plus eight MATT: Sure, we’ll go with that LAURA: We use wisdom? MATT: Use the bat’s wisdom, yeah MICA: 13 MATT: 13, okay SAM: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm LAURA: 13 LIAM: Do we have a bonus? LAURA: Plus one LIAM: Plus one? 12 MATT: Okay SAM: Pretty good MATT: You, Jester, look around the top area around the back of it, and the building is built up against the interior of the alcove So there is no back end. It’s merged with the wall You also see no other entrance on the side, and you go over the other side No other doorway, there are the windows on the balconies, and there’s the front door, and it appears that those are the only ways in You glance within the top balcony, and you can see there is– that window, what you thought was a window up close you can see is a window that splits into a door So it’s like three panes of glass Two that are, you know, about that big and about dwarven height or so, and then the center pane is an actual glass doorway with a handle on it MICA: Can I see through the glass? MATT: Unfortunately, no With no interior light, and the way that the panes are refracting, you can’t make out any details with a perception roll of 13 LAURA: On the roof, since it’s in an alcove, can the elven houses see down to the roof, or is it protected, is it like inside– MATT: You can see there’s maybe one with a view of here, but that’s further out, because it’s mostly protected, it cuts off the perspective of any of the higher houses, other than the ones that are more affixed to the far pillars LAURA: Okay, and then how much of a distance is it from the ceiling to the roof? MATT: It’s maybe 15, 10 feet LAURA: Okay MATT: Not a wide gap, but a little bit of space LAURA: Okay MATT: You find no bread LIAM: Also, you described this place like the Flatiron Building, right? Just like a cake wedge? MATT: Similar, yeah It’s rounded– LIAM: So the wide part on the front? MATT: There’s like a big cavern alcove, and it’s built into the back of it, and it rounds out and then comes like a wedge like the front of a boat LIAM: Oh, so the front of the house is– MATT: The front of the house points out towards you, yeah So if I’m the alcove backing, and this is the cavern entrance, and the rest of this is the city, it builds out and comes to a pointed wedge, and there are balconies at the three floors LIAM: While looking for bread, can I see from the top if the back of the building is connected to the back of the cavern wall? MATT: It is LIAM: It is, okay No bread, though MATT: No bread, I’m sorry MICA: With my keen hearing, can I try and hear anything on the first floor, like hear into the– press bat ear to door to see if I hear footsteps? MATT: Sure. Make a perception check MICA: Ah ha, with advantage 19 plus eight MATT: 19 plus eight Listening in, you do not hear any nearby footsteps, no LIAM: As there is no bread up here, I’m going to start to look and see if there is some sort of door or entrance on the roof as well MATT: Okay, make an investigation check (laughter) LIAM: That’s a one MATT: That’s a one, no door LIAM: But I’m going to use Fortune’s Favor MATT: Okay LIAM: That is a 20 MATT: A 20, okay You do see the outline of some sort of a hatch You’re not sure if it opens up or opens in But you do see the outline of a hatch LIAM: That’s probably where they’re keeping the bread LAURA: Is it on the roof? Are we on the roof? LIAM: I am on the roof. Are you on the roof?
LAURA: I’m right next to you, so I think so LIAM: I’m very stupid as a bat Hello LAURA: Hi LIAM: They’re keeping the bread in there MICA: I see them just flapping and not doing anything, so I go up and join them, like: Have you found anything? LAURA: We found the bread MICA: There is no bread LIAM: No, but there is underneath this trap door, is bread MICA: Oh, there’s a trap door, that’s good to know Okay TRAVIS: [inaudible] (laughter) MICA: We should go back to the others and tell them that we found a door LAURA: If we turn into ourselves right now, we could open up the thing and get the bread out now MICA: But we have to take a nap first LIAM: Think about it for a moment We are very tired, but the bread is right there, so what is– MICA: No, no, no, no, the bread’s at my house The bread’s at my house LIAM: That changes everything, let’s go back to the others LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, okay MICA: That’s what I thought, okay, come with me TRAVIS: Your [inaudible] Slightly (laughter) LIAM: What do you mean? TRAVIS: Yeah (laughter) TALIESIN: It’s [inaudible] TRAVIS: (high-pitched yelling) MARISHA: Eh, eh SAM: So Beau, you’re saying that if I slide my front foot forward while I’m kicking up the back, it will make the board just flip up a little bit? MARISHA: Yeah, you have to shift your weight backwards and have to really go for it MATT: (flapping) Three bats arrive TALIESIN: What board? LIAM: Hold on, I’ve been waiting for this MARISHA: (pained) Ah! (laughter) SAM: Why are you hitting us? MARISHA: Why?! That’s way more than I’ve ever hit you SAM: This purple bat is hitting me TRAVIS: For the rest of the campaign LAURA: I’m blue SAM: Blue, blue Blue MICA: I’m going to un-Wild Shape MATT: Okay SAM: Nope TRAVIS: Oh, there’s still one more! (slapping) MATT: You do one point of damage How many hit points does a bat have? LAURA: One point MATT: Jester emerges from bat form MICA: You bitch-slapped Jester back into existence LAURA: You slapped the blue out of her hair! TRAVIS: You slapped the highlights out of her hair! (laughter) Welcome back, what’d you see? LAURA: We found a latch on the roof, it was a latch MICA: It was like a door LIAM: Some sort of a hatch LAURA: Yeah MARISHA: A latch-hatch door? LAURA: A latch-hatch door on the roof There’s no back to the house, because it backs up to the rock, but if we could get up onto the roof, it blocks the view SAM: Guards up there? MICA: No, and I didn’t hear or see anybody on the first floor and it’s dark, so TRAVIS: The house backs into the cavern, into the rock MICA: Yeah TRAVIS: Oh, they’ve definitely got a vault MICA: I also made a tentative plan deal with bats They said that if anybody comes in and looks suspicious, they’re going to start squeaking So if we hear squeaking, we’re in trouble MARISHA: Is it a different kind of squeak than their normal squeak? How will we differentiate? TALIESIN: They have a plethora of squeaks, I would imagine MICA: We didn’t get that far in the conversation I had to promise them bread; it was very complicated LAURA: Oh, bread TALIESIN: Do a lot of things for bread MICA: Yeah, everybody would do a lot of things for bread, apparently LIAM: I’m so hungry right now– SAM: Well, we have a tentative plan We’ll walk back to the tavern tonight, I mean, wherever we’re staying, no, your house tonight TALIESIN: Hot cocoa SAM: Stop at the bakery Are you looking at my bare midriff right now? (laughter) And how it’s sort of hanging over my skirt that I decided to wear, even though you can’t see below my waist? MATT: Hey man MARISHA: Commitment MATT: Yeah, if you’re going to go, go all the way MICA: Oh MATT: No, Sam MICA: Oh, oh (laughter) LIAM: Was it Olivier who said he didn’t feel like he was the character until he put on the shoes? MATT: Yeah LIAM: It’s like that, Sam TRAVIS: Olivier rolls in his grave MATT: Is it safe? No SAM: So we’ll go stop at the bakery, go to Reani’s, have a slumber party, and then go in through the roof MICA: Eat some bread, then in go through the roof LAURA: Yeah, because it’s still pretty early, we can get up in the middle of the night and do this MARISHA: Yeah Hey, do you want to go talk with that other Cobalt Soul guy about the moon? LIAM: The moony? MARISHA: The moony guy? LIAM: What are we hoping to accomplish with this gentleman? MARISHA: I don’t know LIAM: Well, you’re really selling me on it SAM: He didn’t seem like he knew anything MARISHA: He didn’t know shit It would just be for formality’s sake, I think Or we could just blow him off SAM: Seems fine LIAM: It doesn’t seem pressing MARISHA: Mm-mm LIAM: But perhaps it would ingratiate us back into the good graces of the library here MARISHA: I don’t know We could just leave a note Okay, you want to stop by and be like: Oh, man, we’re so busy
Let’s, you know LIAM: Yeah MARISHA: Okay LIAM: Yeah, I think we could earn a little more capital at the library MARISHA: All right LIAM: Get into their better graces Why don’t you guys go ahead for your cocoa and we’ll be right behind you? TALIESIN: All right LAURA: Okay MICA: Should we save you a cup? LIAM: Yes, please LIAM: Okay MATT: All right, so you guys head back to Reani’s house LAURA: Stopping by the cupcakes MATT: Okay, you pick up some cupcakes without issue Another dozen or so, a variety pack? LAURA: Let’s get two dozen just to be safe this time MATT: All righty, two dozen cupcakes We’ll say that’ll put you at 12 silver LAURA: You got it MICA and LAURA: Worth it (snickers) TRAVIS: (gravelly) Cupcakes MATT: Now you guys are going to meet up with Demid, or cancel, or what’s the scenario? LIAM: Just go to the place where– MARISHA: We’re going to go meet up with him LIAM: That he would be MARISHA: Yeah, at the tavern MATT: Okay Okay, which tavern are you heading towards? MARISHA: It was the one that we were at earlier, right? MATT: The Broken Stool MARISHA: The Broken Stool, isn’t that what he said? MATT: Maybe LIAM: Caleb would know I don’t, but Caleb knows MARISHA: No, Tumbled Tankards LIAM: Because Caleb remembers everything MATT: So Tumbled Tankards would be the bar that you guys went to previously today TRAVIS: Where we just went MATT: Right MARISHA: That’s what I thought TRAVIS: It is the– MARISHA: The cop bar MATT: Okay, all right You go ahead and you wait a good, like, hour or so And he doesn’t show up MARISHA: Well, I hate fucking waiting on people LIAM: Let’s give it 30 more minutes MARISHA: I’m going to get more booze, then LIAM: I slap down a gold. It’s on me Go get us another round MATT: All righty MARISHA: Can always just leave a note Let him know we were here so we don’t seem– LIAM: You know, in the meantime, the last 24 hours went a lot better than some would expect or anticipate You know, just when I think we are a group of irredeemable fuck-ups, we manage to pull one out of the fire We certainly did I don’t know, I’m up and I’m down, you know Sometimes I think we can take over the world I don’t want to take over the world, you know what I mean, but then I swing back and think that what we’re doing is stupid But after a day like yesterday, I feel good MARISHA: That’s pretty awesome We duped a white dragon (chuckles) MATT: “Oh, you did show up! Well, ha.” MARISHA: Fuck MATT: Comes in SAM: You came there! He’s got his coat on, and he sits there, “Oh, and so you have come as well, friend.” LIAM: I am her assistant, her moon assistant MARISHA: Mm-hmm LIAM: She’s like the big moon and I am the small moon behind the the big moon MARISHA: Just a little moon MATT: “Are you a studier of Ruidus as well?” LIAM: I’m an amateur, but I try MATT: “Ah, this is fortuitous, definitely “Ha! Mm! (sniffs) “I’ll go get some milk,” and he gets up and leaves to the bar LIAM: Caleb downs his drink MARISHA: I do the same TRAVIS: Get that fucking guy drunk MATT: So you spend the better part of the next 30 or so minutes conversing about what? What do you want to– as opposed to role playing an extensive conversation of awkwardness, are you looking for any information? LIAM: I want to– No, I want to ingratiate ourselves to him and make him like us MATT: Okay MARISHA: Can I compare any type of the moon cycles based on any of the demon activity that we’ve encountered? MATT: Sure MARISHA: Looking at his extensive notes and mine, is there any type of like cycle that it seems to sync up on? MATT: “Interesting, interesting, indeed.” MARISHA: I need to know when my moon is coming! MATT: Best you can tell– LAURA: Demons are all [inaudible] period MARISHA: It’s true! MATT: There’s two cycles We have, I mean, Catha is the common moon cycle, that’s the great, you know, white moon in the moon-lit sky MARISHA: Uh-huh MATT: That cycle is, you know, anywhere between 30- to 40-day cycle, waxes and wanes per normal Ruidus is a very slow orbit It’s visible for about half the year It takes a full year essentially for a revolution It’s far more distant, and Ruidus is very prominent in the sky at the moment Very prominent meaning you can see it, you know, this faint little brown-maroon type dot
in the sky during the evening, it’s barely noticeable The day it’s even fainter But it’s there So other than that, there’s no real correlation MARISHA: Okay LIAM: I agree, I just want to fast track it back to our friends. But using this 30 minutes, Caleb would just try to chat him up in a very intellectual way and jovial way so that he likes us a lot and continues to put a good word in for us at the Vellum Steeple, is my hope MATT: Make a standard charisma check for me, please MARISHA: Just him? MATT: Hmm? MARISHA: Does he get advantage because I– MATT: You’re helping? Sure, okay MARISHA: I’m helping! MATT: All right, so that’s part of– LIAM: At advantage? MATT: Yeah, because she’s helping you with the check MARISHA: My charisma sucks LIAM: The second one was a one, so I’ll take the original 18 MATT: All right, all right He gets pretty deep in his milk cups, and seems to be enjoying your presence, and when you find the right moment in the conversation where it begins to lull that you both abruptly oh, I’m so sorry, we have to go MARISHA: So busy MATT: Yeah “Oh, that’s all right, no worries “Thank you so much for taking the time “You know where to find me.” LIAM: We will see you at the Steeple MATT: “Of course, please, until tomorrow?” MARISHA: We’ll see you MATT: “All right, all right.” MARISHA: Yes Be careful now, yeah MATT: “Intolerant,’ and he leaves LIAM: I know more than I ever wanted to about the cycles of the moon MARISHA: Let’s go LIAM: Return to the others MATT: (chuckles) All right You all regather, you find the rest of your party nearly sick on cupcakes. (laughs) Pillow forts partially constructed in the middle of the comfortable, if now not as spacious interior of Reani’s home, but a sleepover it is as you all find your respective corners of the floor, makeshift bedding assembled, you all eventually find yourselves comfortably falling into a night’s sleep And that’s where we’ll take a break Be back here in a few minutes Check out what happens the next morning We do have our giveaway SAM: Yeah, yeah! MATT: We have, as tonight’s prize, a Bolivian rosewood dice vault from our friends at Wyrmwood TRAVIS: Oh! MATT: Available to one lucky winner Smells like niceness Tonight’s keyword is owl, O-W-L, owl Enter it once and once only, more than that and you’ll be disqualified, and once again, only for folks in the US and Canada, excluding Quebec, because stupid laws Anyway, we’ll be back here shortly with a winner See you in a minute (upbeat music) ♪ You got the perfect warlock ♪ ♪ Her weapons and supplies ♪ ♪ But you need a place to track your stuff ♪ ♪ ‘Cause you’re so disorganized ♪ ♪ You click open the web page ♪ ♪ You heard about on Critical Role ♪ ♪ And now you’re ready to kick some butt ♪ ♪ In a mineshaft full of gnolls ♪ ♪ It’s D&D, D&D ♪ ♪ Yeah, D&D Beyond ♪ ♪ Yeah D&D, D&D ♪ ♪ Yeah, D&D Beyond ♪ ♪ You got your stats, you’ve got your swords ♪ ♪ And you got your invisible wand ♪ ♪ It’s D&D, D&D ♪ ♪ D&D ♪ ♪ D&D Beyond ♪ (whooshing) (eerie music) (pounding sounds) BINWIN: Hi, I’m Binwin Bronzebottom, celebrity dwarf and video game enthusiast, and this is my sidekick, Crowy CROWY: Hello BINWIN: We’re here to tell you about Idle Champions of the Forgotten Realms, a Dungeons & Dragons-based strategy management game from Code Name Entertainment They’re Canadian, so you know it’s good CROWY: Let’s talk about the game Did you ever play Cookie Clicker? BINWIN: Of course not CROWY: This game is a management game like that, but with far more emphasis on strategy, and with a flavory of D&D’s lore and legendary heroes, you can unlock your favorite champions, like Farideh from Erin M. Evans’ Brimstone Angels saga, Minsc and Boo from Baldur’s Gate, and the fourth and final member of Acquisitions Incorporated The C Team, Amy Falcone’s Walnut Dankgrass BINWIN: The K is silent CROWY: Create the best adventuring party possible based on formation options, your character’s ability, and the obstacles and enemies you face BINWIN: you just randomly click on things like I do and hope for the best CROWY: You can click on enemies to assist your champions, or you can set ’em up and walk away and let them do their thing. It’s entirely up to you BINWIN: I’m playing on the toilet right now CROWY: Why wouldn’t you be? Idle Champions is available on all your favorite gaming platforms, including tablets, for the low, low price of free So download it now BINWIN: End it with joke CROWY: You’re not supposed to read– BINWIN: It says end with joke CROWY: No, we’re supposed to come up with a joke to go with where it says “end with joke.” BINWIN: Oh, I don’t know, “end with joke” is pretty funny CROWY: Wait, on three, ready? BINWIN: Yeah CROWY: One, two, three BINWIN and CROWY: End with joke (laughter) BINWIN: I think it’s funny. It’s very funny (Strings playing “Wedding March”)
(Strings playing “Wedding March”) (Steel drum playing “Wedding March”) (Steel drum playing “Wedding March”) (Steel drum playing “Wedding March”) (Steel drum playing “Wedding March”) (Calypso-style music) BRIAN (V.O): Last time, on Talks Machina MICA: Hey, are we on the internet? DANI: Why Mica, yes we are MICA: Oh, well, guess what, everybody? Tonight it’s Talks Micina MATT: You know, the beard was nice and fun for a while, and it may come back, but I just needed some change BRIAN: I understand MICA: Is it breezy? MATT: And, hmm? MICA: Is it breezier? MATT: It’s breezier, it’s more aerodynamic, I can move quicker, which is nice I also enjoy having my wife not flinch when I kiss her That’s also great BRIAN: Yeah MATT: So yeah, it has its positives But I do miss the sculpting of it and the caretaking of it, but BRIAN: It’s like having another friend MATT: Kind of, and I need those these days, so MICA: Did you name it? MATT: It was named The Mercer Beard before I had an opportunity to, so the internet, thank you for that And I killed it (laughter) MATT: It’s now at the bottom of the ocean BRIAN: Well, maybe you should’ve named it Molly MICA: Wow BRIAN: Wow? MATT: Don’t listen to him MICA: Even I know that’s out of character– that’s just off-color For shame, good sir MICA: It was just, if you lay out that plan that we had, if you speak it out loud, it’s dumb It’s so dumb MATT: So’s every D&D party’s plans ever! MICA: It’s so true MATT: The game is about making stupid plans, fucking it up, and hopefully, if the dice work with you, somehow making it out alive and going, wow! MICA: Wow, we lived! MATT: How did we survive! BRIAN: I want you to look at that camera and I want you to say, “It’s time for Cosplay of the Week.” MICA: All right, ready? BRIAN: Wait, wait, yeah, okay go MICA: It’s time for Cosplay of the Week BRIAN: Fuck (laughter) DANI: Nice Cosplay of the Week! Hell yeah MICA: Your job’s in danger! BRIAN: Hang on, I’m texting my old contacts at Two Broke Girls (laughter) BRIAN: See if they’re– DANI: God, it’s been a minute since a Two Broke Girls joke BRIAN: CritRoleStats’ll let us know how long No, don’t, guys, don’t go back and try to watch all the episodes to find out Our winner for Cosplay of the Week was sent in by Jesse of JessoLaurus Rex Photo by Anne Barhyte Let’s take a look MICA and MATT: Whoa! BRIAN: That’s insane DANI: So good MICA: That’s so good! MATT: That Grog is so intense MICA: Oh, that leather work though! BRIAN: Help me out a little bit here with this one, because I know ArseQueef’s going to gif hers and then mine, so I’ve got to really, (coughs) Go in a little tighter, Steve, if you can STEVE: Can’t BRIAN: Okay (laughter) STEVE: Action BRIAN: Ah, fuck I already started All right, hold on STEVE: Take it again, Brian BRIAN: Okay, okay STEVE: All right BRIAN: (clears throat) STEVE: Ready? BRIAN: Fuck STEVE: Ready? All right Take it away BRIAN: It’s Fan Art of the Week DANI: Actually, Mica, I have something for you real fast MICA: Oh shit DANI: If you could just sign this BRIAN: Oh Jesus Christ MICA: Oh wow, does this say “Talks Machina Contract” on it? DANI: Yeah MICA: Oh, that’s crazy, it absolutely does I’m just going to– live, right? MATT: It’s happening! BRIAN: I would like to thank Matt and Mica for joining us MICA: Dani, here you go DANI: This is legally binding MICA: Yeah BRIAN: 76 is this Thursday MICA: Thank you, thank you so much Actually, I think this is my job, yeah So we’re going to, yeah BRIAN: All right MICA: Thank you BRIAN: Yeah, no, that’s perfectly all right I’ll just– MAN OFF CAMERA: Pretty good graphic department MICA: Episode 76 is this Thursday at 7PM PST As always, don’t forget to love each other, and don’t worry, it’s almost Thursday Stay turnt, my friends, and remember, creepy ain’t a crime and neither is D&D (laughter) TRAVIS (V.O.): Last time on Yee-haw Game Ranch BRIAN: I guess now we’re just going to be here in a fucking jungle ranch for the foreseeable future
I just wish we knew a little bit more about this place or what it’s about TRAVIS: Yeah DANI: (gasps) Oh my god, lads! It’s him! We found him! TRAVIS: A fucking boat? DANI: Chosen one, we’ve found you! I can’t believe it’s you God damn, Ruby was right, you’re a little fucking snack pack, aren’t ya? BRIAN: Howdy, new critter, who might you be? DANI: My name’s Kermlin the Frog, and I’m the lead explorer here on the jungle ranch TRAVIS: It’s nice to meet you, Kermlin the Frog DANI: I was just doing my infamous jungle ranch cruise while searching for ya If you got the time, I got the best tour TRAVIS: (laughs) BRIAN: I don’t know, Travis. We’re supposed to be playing games and charging up the Game Soul here TRAVIS: Who’s actually driving the boat? BRIAN: I don’t know who’s driving the boat, man I don’t know if we have time to go– DANI: I could give a monkey’s ass if you wanted to go or not, you cheeseless quesadilla-looking orphan TRAVIS: (laughs) DANI: On your left, you can see the robust, green foliage of the vast jungle ranch Isn’t it ribbeting? (giggling) TRAVIS: Did she say “ribbeting?” BRIAN: Yes DANI: And now, on your right, you can see the beautiful flowers that blossom here Isn’t the frogrance just delightful? TRAVIS: Frogrance? BRIAN: Fuck, man, god dammit DANI: Oh, and I almost frogot TRAVIS: (groans) DANI: Off in the distance over there, you can see the shattered temple of Zolgrux the Mad! BRIAN: Wait, what the fuck, Zolgrux the Mad? TRAVIS: (shouts) Go get me! Go get my body! BRIAN: I tried to double peddle, I double jumped Nope, nope TRAVIS: Oh, I fucking’ missed him. (shouts) BRIAN: Oh TRAVIS: What?! It’s supposed to have missed that! Game full of multiple levels when all you need is one Want to murder your entire neighborhood BRIAN: Yeah Yeah, exactly It’s kind of like– TRAVIS: One and done BRIAN: Oh shit, oh god TRAVIS: I bet if we research it, no one’s ever beat a single level of this game, I’m pretty sure BRIAN: I’m pretty sure. Max, can you look into that? How do I double jump, oh! I got a pinky TRAVIS: They made the first level passable BRIAN: I got a pinky TRAVIS: If we just stay here, we’ll be alive BRIAN: I don’t think we’re going to kill him, man No, fuck, gimme, oh fuck, oh! (screaming) (groaning) BRIAN: Got this TRAVIS: You’ll take over the title if you can get it BRIAN: I got this, man TRAVIS: Yeah, you’re there, you’re– BRIAN: What is that?! What is that thing shooting at me? Fuck you, dude Oh god TRAVIS: I think you’re the new chosen one BRIAN: That is all the time we have for I mean, I got a C-minus, but– TRAVIS: Brand new record BRIAN: Brand new (dramatic music) (sighs) DANI: I just want to watch my Critical Role TALIESIN: For your consideration, this is the face of a Critter who’s craving their Critical Role content But for this sanctimonious shipper, time misled them like a trip to the Feywild They now have come face to face with existential dread, a fear of sardonic spoilers Let us lead them across the bridge into a realm of bright shadows where, even if one misses the live viewing of their favorite program, they can still watch it on demand if they bear the mark of a Twitch subscription to the channel That mark, a mysterious sigil of emoticons made by the sage, ArseQueef In this land of shadow known as the Twitch Subscription Zone, no shipper, fan ficcer, or please name my kitten litter Critter has to feel like a bitter fritter And so ends another meandering digression, a complicated parody promo down an indistinct highway to the region we call the Twitch Subscription Zone Subscribe Twitch Prime subscribe Gift subscribe Subscribe (mysterious music) You should check to see if you’ve left the oven on (dramatic music)
MATT: And welcome back
So, before we jump back in, we have our winner
of our awesome Wyrmwood giveaway is– I’m excited Congratulations to Poop_d_pants (laughter and cheering) TALIESIN: I’ve been waiting for this! MATT: That’s poop, underscore, D, underscore, pants TALIESIN: Who may have just– ALL: Poop de pants MATT: So congratulations, Poop_d_pants TALIESIN: Well done LIAM: Of the royal DePants family? MATT: Yes, yes! TALIESIN: Of the new England DePants TRAVIS: New England MATT: A familiar color scheme for your Bolivian rosewood dice tower. Congratulations All righty So Also, to clarify, it’s elven chain, not elven chain mail That was a vestige of me growing up with older editions in which it was called elven chain mail But elven chain was the armor we were talking about So, you all gathered at Reani’s home, laid down for the evening for a night’s rest, and the night comes to you Reani ALL: (gasping) MARISHA: Oh shit MATT: Through a cupcake-induced temporary sugar coma TRAVIS: (laughs) MATT: The comfortable night darkness restful sleep is breached by a speck of light that grows and grows until the translucent, crystal and ethereal form of Samliel apparates before you in your dream A vision that hasn’t come to you in some time The wings unfurled, the calm smile of the angelic entity before you He rests and sits beside you in this dark expanse “Reani.” MICA: Hi, Sam MATT: “Hello “So, what have you learned with the dragon?”
MICA: That sometimes you should run away from things and not fight it? MATT: “That is a very important lesson.” MICA: Did you see, I lived MATT: “I see that now, and I saw it then, and I’m proud of you.” MICA: Thanks Is that what I was supposed to learn? Did I mess up, am I wrong? MATT: “No “You did very well “There isn’t so much a right way to do things, “more than avoid the wrong way to do things, “and take these lessons to heart as you learn them “And you’ve made companions, “you’ve faced serious threat, “and you’ve helped an old friend “Are you proud of yourself?” MICA: I think I am I’m doing you proud, so I’m proud of myself, right? MATT: “Good “You should be, “but you should also be proud for yourself, “regardless of what I think.” MICA: I don’t get it MATT: “I’ve guided you for some time, and “I just would hate to think “that so much of your life is tethered to “what my opinion “or my interest may be.” MICA: But you’re my angel, what do you mean? MATT: “I am, “and I’m not going anywhere.” MICA: Oh, okay MATT: “But don’t wait for me, either “You’re your own woman.” MICA: So what do I do, where do I go? MATT: “That’s your decision to make “I showed you a dragon, “but you made the path yourself, yeah?” MICA: Yeah MATT: “You can do that with other things in life.” MICA: Did I do something wrong? MATT: “No.” MICA: Is that why you’re going away? MATT: “I’m not going away.” MICA: But I guess I’m scared MATT: “And that’s okay “Scared is all right “Scared keeps us strong “Scared helps us know who the enemy is.” MICA: And I’m still defeating the enemy, right? MATT: “You have been “And there’s more enemy out there to destroy.” MICA: Okay MATT: “And I’ll guide you towards the things “that must be brought to ash.” MICA: Promise? MATT: “I promise.” MICA: Okay Thank you MATT: “Of course “I just want you to know that I trust that the guidance “I’ve given you to this point is strong enough to lead you “whether or not I’m around “If you see injustice, if you see evil, “if you see the darkness that creeps into the light, “and I’m not there, do not hesitate.” MICA: I promise MATT: “You’re an extension of my weapon, “and you’ve been sharpened further and further “with each year.” MICA: I’ll miss you if I don’t get to see you a lot But I’ll remember what you told me, and I promise that evil will never win MATT: “I’m always watching.” MICA: I promise that I won’t let you down, and every time you look down at me, everything I do will be for you, but also for me, right? MATT: “For you are an extension of me.” MICA: Exactly I think I get it MATT: “Your opinion is my own, if you learn this path “as well as I believe you have “So know these choices you make, they’re mine, as my own “Should it stray, I’ll let you know.” MICA: Okay MATT: “But until then, take solace in that knowledge.” MICA: I will MATT: “And child, do not cry “Now, smite the shadows for me.” (wings flapping) The feather trail cascades around you
as the warmth of your night’s rest carries you once more into darkness The morning comes to you all, you awaken with cricks in your neck and your back from the not well-supported floor of the interior of the home MICA: Excuse me, I provided pillows MATT: You did, you did But nevertheless, the day is yours TRAVIS: That was not the best That was the best night’s rest I’ve ever had Thank you, Reani MICA: Does anybody want breakfast? TALIESIN: Oh, god, breakfast sounds great, let’s do that MARISHA: Yeah SAM: Cupcakes? LAURA: Mm, cupcakes I actually think I may have had a little too many last night and I feel that maybe not cupcakes is maybe the best idea right now SAM: All right Can you make us something healthy, full of protein? MICA: Do I have things in my fridge? Do I have a fridge? MATT: There isn’t so much a fridge (laughter) MICA: Does this world have fridges? MATT: I mean, there are enchanted cold storage cases, but you do not have one in your possession So the things that you would have would be relatively fresh vegetables, if that would be something you would acquire from the market, you would have dried salted meats, things that are cured and meant to, you know, have a prolonged long life before consumption TALIESIN: Lentils MATT: Yeah Beans, a lot of root-based and tuber-like vegetation, a lot of the Uthodurnian food is based in tubers, so MICA: So I guess with what I have stored in the house that’s still good, I’ll try and whip together as much as I can MATT: Very much a classic southern throw-it-all-in breakfast MICA: Yeah MATT: So the breakfast mash is completed, cooked, it’s not pretty, but it’s pretty tasty LAURA: Mm MATT: Some familiar Caduceus spices thrown in A little bit of flavor on top of the Reani special TALIESIN: You can do a lot with broccoli LAURA: (laughs) No MATT: Hey TALIESIN and MATT: Don’t knock broccoli MICA: Broccoli’s the boss LIAM: So today we are going to break into a home, is the idea, to liberate? SAM: The ring, so we can get the thing that we need to go to the forge and make the sword, and do any other business LAURA: Let’s do it! SAM: All right TRAVIS: Well, all of us or just a small, covert fashion? SAM: Are you scared? TRAVIS: No, I just don’t know TALIESIN: I think it’s good to have a few people on stand by, maybe, if we do something like this LAURA: We should definitely have at least, I would say one of the two of you go in SAM: For the message? LAURA: So you guys can send messages back and forth SAM: What’s this? LAURA: I don’t know SAM: Because we can hear each other LAURA: Because you can hear each other really well with your messages that you send to each other TRAVIS: I stay outside, obviously, because I am not very sneaky MARISHA: Perhaps you could be a good excuse to distract the guards, get their attention, talk to them at the gates? TRAVIS: Love to do that, back to my old tricks MICA: Is he going to flirt with them? LAURA: He’s got a really, we call it a silver tongue MARISHA: Yeah MICA: Are you going to marry the guards? TRAVIS: Don’t count it out just yet, yeah LAURA: He could talk them into marrying him, if he wanted to MICA: Well then, we could walk right in the front door, why wasn’t that our first plan? SAM: That only works for one guard, though MICA: It could work with two MATT: Polyamory is not something uncommon in some places in Exandria MICA: So is this our first plan or are we going back to the whole like– SAM: He’s going to distract the front guard TALIESIN: I like the sneaky going up through the roof SAM: We’re going in through the roof, maybe you could fly us up there, or maybe you could bamf us up there, or maybe a little– LAURA: Oh it might be good for– oh, I do. I have– hold on, let me look How many times can I bamf us, man? SAM: Dimension Door? LAURA: Yeah, I could bamf us a couple times I can bamf me and one other person a couple times MICA: Whoever is not being bamfed, I can fly SAM: Yeah, that’s true We can climb, I can be invisible and climb, a few of us can get up on the roof MARISHA: Yeah Maybe I can stay on the roof and just stand guard up there? LAURA: How are we going to get up on the roof? LIAM: Well, I can bat myself up there LAURA: I can bat myself up there MARISHA: I can fly on Reani’s owl form again MICA: I can carry Beau LIAM: A giant owl is very noticeable, though LAURA: Yes MATT: Just so you’re aware, it is roughly like five in the morning You guys went to bed relatively early, so you can get up early So just letting you know, it’s still the crack of dawn LAURA: Yeah, I was thinking we would be waking up at like two, I didn’t realize it would be like– MARISHA: We overslept? LAURA: Yeah SAM: That’s still good, though MATT: To get an eight-hour full rest LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah SAM: We can maybe strike before lots of people are out on the streets and stuff
TALIESIN: We could go and do this right now SAM: Yeah, be done by 10:00am and still have a full day ahead of us TRAVIS: Do you want the dagger? To, you know, lock any doors behind you It requires attunement SAM: You need it TRAVIS: I have a sword, it’s fine SAM: Yeah? TRAVIS: Yes SAM: What if you need to come in? TRAVIS: It doesn’t unlock, it just locks behind you SAM: I understand, but what if you need to come in the front door, because we need you? You could come in the front door and make sure nobody else does LAURA: But the guards MARISHA: He’s going to be distracting the guards, hopefully SAM: If everything turns to shit, as many of our plans do, he might need to run in the door MARISHA: I’ll be there to run in the door SAM: Hmm? MARISHA: I’ll be there to run in the door TRAVIS: ♪ I’ll be there to comfort you ♪ LAURA: Oh god Oh god Okay, let’s just walk over there, okay, guys? TRAVIS: Yeah, let’s go MARISHA: Yeah MATT: All right, so SAM: We have a plan MICA: Do we? MARISHA: Yeah SAM: This is as good as it gets LAURA: I think we should have four people in there No more than that Any more than that, it feels like it’s getting too many people in this house MARISHA: Yeah LAURA: We can do two people as bats TRAVIS: Raise your hand if you’re bats LAURA: You can be a bat, you can be a bat I can Dimension Door one other person up to the roof TRAVIS: Nott and Jester LAURA: All right SAM: All right Wait, what about Beauregard? Oh, you’re staying with Fjord or you’re staying on the roof LIAM: She’s got to get to the roof MARISHA: I’ll climb, is climbing a good idea? LIAM: I don’t think so, I think you– SAM: I can make you invisible LIAM: Take two trips? MARISHA: (gasping) MARISHA: I’ve always wanted this TRAVIS: What? MARISHA: I’ve just been waiting for you to offer SAM: I can make you invisible MARISHA: I’ve just been waiting SAM: Well, today’s your lucky day, Beauregard Lafayette. What’s your last name? MATT: I think you were temporarily invisible last session, and you broke it when you attacked the rope MARISHA: Oh yeah, that only lasted for like a second I won’t squander it this time SAM: She’s been waiting for it again MARISHA: I got the taste TRAVIS: She’ll squander it super quick Super quick TALIESIN: Broken before it’s cast MATT: So who is staying behind? TALIESIN: Kind of wish I wasn’t, but MATT: Fjord, Caduceus SAM: You want to go in? You can go in TALIESIN: I mean, I trust everybody’s plan, I’m going to trust what the plan is SAM: There is no plan, we would like to have you inside LAURA: We could all go in You want to go in? TALIESIN: I’ll go in LAURA: How are you going to get in? TALIESIN: I don’t know LAURA: Okay, we’ve got to figure that out, then MICA: Wait, Nott, how many people can you make invisible? SAM: One MICA: Shit LIAM: But Caleb can make more than one person invisible MICA: (gasps) Okay, make me invisible, and make a person I carry, you can make Pinky invisible so I can carry Pinky up onto the roof with me SAM: You can just sneak up there, you good MICA: And Beau is really good at what Beau does, so Beau can sneak up there on Beau’s own And then you can turn into a bat (laughter) LIAM: I cannot turn into a bat if I am keeping people invisible SAM: Is that true? LIAM: Yes LAURA: I think we can only bring four people to the roof MICA: I just don’t want to leave anybody out TALIESIN: I’ll stay on the ground That’s okay, I’ll stay on the ground LAURA: But we do need– SAM: Well, forget invisibility If Fjord goes and talks to those guards, they’re going to have eyes on him, we could just fly up to the roof. We don’t have to be invisible, let’s not mess with that, let’s not complicate the plan He makes a distraction, five of us fly to the roof, that’s it TALIESIN: Pass Without a Trace SAM: Yeah LAURA: Oh my god SAM: It’s five in the morning, no one’s looking for birds, we’re underground MICA: “No one’s looking for birds.” LIAM: Well, I’ll tell you what I could make a group invisible and let them make their way to the back of the house, out of the sights of the guards, you included, yeah LAURA: To the side of the house, there’s no back LIAM: That’s what I mean, back along the backside of the wall, and then you go with, and when you’re there, you let me know that they are there, and I drop it, and you are visible again, but out of the way of view, and then I could bat it up SAM: Let’s do it MICA: Question MARISHA: Then are you going to stay with Fjord, that way as he’s distracting the guards, we know when to drop invisibility and then go from there? LIAM: He doesn’t need to distract the guards, because I will make a handful of people invisible to go to the– LAURA: We can all go in together, and be caught together It’ll be fun We’ll go to jail as a group, you guys TRAVIS: I won’t make a distraction unless I hear shit breaking and assuming things are going wrong LIAM: I do think we want people outdoors for problems MICA: Just to have another option other than flying, if I’m a giant constrictor snake, would my length be as tall as the building so they could walk up me? How tall is a giant constrictor snake?
MATT: A giant constrictor snake is considered a large creature coiled, which I’d say– MICA: So uncoiled MATT: Uncoiled, I’d say it’d be 30 feet length from nose to tip of tail MICA: How tall is 30 feet? MATT: 30 feet LAURA: We could all be invisible and climbing an invisible boa constrictor But we also could just– MICA: If we’re all invisible, I’ll just fly you up LAURA: If we’re all invisible, we could use a rope MATT: ♪ D&D. ♪ MICA: Yeah TALIESIN: [inaudible] MICA: I don’t know that came to me, I just put that out there TALIESIN: No, it was a good– MATT: (exaggerated Russian accent) So what is plan? TRAVIS: What is plan, for fuck’s sake? LAURA: We go, and Caleb’s going to make us all invisible SAM: We’re going to scurry to the roof LAURA: Scurry up to the roof MATT: Okay MICA: Am I flying, are we flying? LAURA: We’ll figure it out MARISHA: No, we’ll figure it out as we go LIAM: I can make four people invisible MICA: I can bring three people at once TALIESIN: Yeah, so two trips, invisible, would get everybody up there MICA: Yeah LIAM: I’ll send you off, and you’ll message me TALIESIN: We have a flyer LAURA: You’re staying behind with Fjord LIAM: Momentarily Once you are back there, I’m going to turn into a bat and make my way up there SAM: Why don’t you make these four, Beau, Reani, Caduceus, Jester, invisible, I’ll take care of me, and we’ll scurry to the roof MARISHA: All right SAM: On three, go LIAM: Beau, Reani, Jester, and Caduceus? TALIESIN: Are we there? TRAVIS: Why did you say “on three,” and then not count? MARISHA: On three, go SAM: It was implied TRAVIS: Ah MATT: It’s a silent three TALIESIN: We’re not at the house yet, are we? LAURA: No, we were on our way, though MATT: Okay, so you’re quietly conversing as you’re making your way– LAURA: Just like assholes MATT: — towards the Demerant Circle TALIESIN: I just want to say that this is good work That we are doing the work of the Wildmother, we are on a path of destiny, we are here to make a friend stronger, we’re here to help me fulfill what I need to do, and I just want to say I’m so grateful for all of you, for what you’ve given of yourselves to this, to this, honestly this long shot, this leap of faith that we’re all making is just great And I cast Motivational Speech LAURA: Yeah! (cheering) MATT: You cast Motivational Speech? TALIESIN: I have Motivational Speech I’m going to give a Motivational Speech to one, two, three, how many can I do? One, two, three Choose up to five So one, two, three, four, five MARISHA: (groaning) TALIESIN: You’re fine (laughter) MICA: Get wrecked LAURA: So what do we get from this? TALIESIN: You get five temporary hit points LAURA: Yay MICA: Ooh MARISHA: Your speech was stupid anyway TALIESIN: I know, you didn’t like it anyway You get five temporary hit points, you get advantage on wisdom saving throws, for an hour LAURA: Wow! TALIESIN: And if you are hit by an attack, you have advantage on the next attack roll you make MATT: I was like, “I remember that from one of the books.” Ah, it’s in the Acquisitions Incorporated book, that makes complete sense TRAVIS: Motivational Speech, yeah MATT: Makes total sense, yep SAM: Advantage on? TALIESIN: Advantage on wisdom saving throws, and if you get hit by an attack, your next attack has advantage MARISHA: That’s cool TRAVIS: That’s real cool MATT: Perfect SAM: Okay MATT: All righty, so MARISHA: As we’re walking, I scuttle up to Fjord Hey, you know, if you want to, you know, if like at nights and stuff or in our spare time, if you want me to like, teach you some basics It takes like a long time to, you know, train in this shit, but you know, personally, I’m a firm believer that everyone should have like the basics of self-defense, you know? TRAVIS: A good foundation? MARISHA: Totally TRAVIS: Right MARISHA: So if you want, you know, I always do like my morning routine anyway, you’re always more than welcome to join for that TRAVIS: I lose count after like 75 of those push-ups I don’t know how you expect me to be able to hang with that MARISHA: Oh, well no, you just work up to it, man, you know? You shouldn’t be down on yourself TRAVIS: Right The sit-ups I also have to do? MARISHA: Yeah TRAVIS: And the pull-ups? MARISHA: Yeah, when your body is your weapon, everything needs to be in tip-top shape TRAVIS: I tried that once, I saw and then I went and did it, and I couldn’t, my everything hurt for two days MARISHA: Yeah TRAVIS: Like rusty hinge MARISHA: That’s like every day of my life TRAVIS: Oh, really? God, you don’t show it MARISHA: The pain kind of turns me on just a little bit Don’t tell anybody that (laughter) TRAVIS: Okay MARISHA: I hope that doesn’t
dissuade you to come work out with me? TRAVIS: Not at all (laughter) Not at all I will be focused at the task at hand and not at all thinking about you feeling– MARISHA: No, you don’t have to TRAVIS: I will take you up– MARISHA: Don’t think about– MATT: As you arrive at the crossroads where you had previously staked out amongst the stone seats, within visual range of the Tumblecarve residence Fjord, you are staying behind, Caleb, you are at the moment staying behind The rest of you are, you are casting Invisibility on all but– LIAM: On LAURA: Wait, before you do it, I cast Pass Without a Trace on all of us LIAM: Okay And is going to, Beauregard is going, Nott is going. Caduceus, where do you want to be in this disaster? TALIESIN: I think I’d like to come I tried to– LIAM: Okay, so one, two, three SAM: I can do it on myself, so skip me and do Reani MICA: I’m the giant bird carrying things LIAM: You want to turn into a giant flying creature? MICA: An invisible one MARISHA: Invisible giant flying creature MICA: To pick everybody up and put them– LAURA: If you cast it, we’ll lose Invisibility SAM: Not if she casts it first, then you can– LAURA: That’s why I did Pass Without a Trace first! What what? MICA: I’ll only be a giant owl for a moment MARISHA: I appreciate this druid logic MATT: So you are attempting to turn into a giant owl in the middle of this main thoroughfare, and then you turn invisible It can be done, it’s got to be quick It’s like a (poofs) So– MICA: Yeah MATT: All right LIAM: No, no, nein, nein MICA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, what if, great DM, is there is a back alley, shady or otherwise, about? MATT: I would say you can Wild Shape while invisible Because Wild Shape isn’t an attack or casting a spell TALIESIN: Oh, that’s true TRAVIS: Druidic ability LIAM: Thank you, strange disembodied voice MATT: That is what I’m here for MATT: I heard a strange disembodied voice that it’s okay if I turn into an owl while invisible TRAVIS: Lots of angels out here MATT: You’re welcome, book boy (laughter) LIAM: One, two, three, four Poof, poof, poof, poof TRAVIS: Cool LIAM: Concentrating MATT: So the four of you are invisible Nott? SAM: I will also cast the Invisibility on myself MARISHA: Question MATT: Five members of the party have vanished MARISHA: When you’re invisible, can you see other people made invisible by the same Invisibility spell? MATT: Nope LAURA: We’re all just invisible SAM: We’re touching each other LAURA: Yeah SAM: Hands on butts LIAM: Careful Careful, Marisha, careful TRAVIS: You know what she likes MATT: There are some– (laughter) So LIAM: Punch yourself MATT: So all right, so who’s grabbing onto who? SAM: I got Jessie LAURA: I’ve got Nott MARISHA: I’ve got Reani MICA: I’ve got Beau TALIESIN: I’ve also got Reani MICA: And I’ve got Pinky TALIESIN: I’m giant LIAM: Who followed any of that, come on Side note, earlier today when he first got up, Caleb I would say the night before would’ve used transmuter stone is back to advantage on constitution SAM: Concentration? LIAM: Proficient in– TRAVIS: Con saves? LIAM: Con saves, yeah MATT: Okay All right LIAM: (babbling) MATT: With that, you are invisible You become your owl form? Who do you grasp? Caduceus and Beauregard, whom you are holding MICA: Yes MATT: You guys feel the shift of form Is that you cuddling up with the owl? MARISHA: That’s me getting prepped MATT: All right MICA: I, as gently as possible, pat around to see if I can feel body with my talon, and try and– MATT: You cop an accidental feel MICA: Cop an accidental feel Gently scoop both of them up All right MICA: Then, I’m pecking around with my beak to see if I can find Jester, but like really gently so I can pick her up Or are you getting up by yourself? LAURA: I can do it MICA: Oh, just kidding, then I’m only going to take the two of them MATT: All right, so with that, there’s a gust of wind, (whooshing) coming and flowing and lessening as you assume the owl has taken off towards its destination LAURA: Were we all just supposed to go? Like what were we, how are we getting up there? SAM: On three (laughter) LAURA: Are you leading the way? I’m just– SAM: Go LAURA: Ah! (laughter) MATT: So you both just start running towards the residence All right, you do get a view There are three guards on the exterior There are two in the main courtyard and there is one up on the third-level balcony MICA: Oh LIAM: Third-level balcony MATT: Correct The two outside have crossbows slung over their shoulders,
and have weapons drawn. The other one weapon’s sheathed, just walking and keeping an eye out The one on the balcony is actually sitting in a chair with a heavy crossbow across the lap, but looks to be like zoning out a little, not quite like sleepy, but definitely this is a routine LIAM: Down on the street MATT: Yes LIAM: Caleb and Fjord stand next to each other and just after a beat, after they vanish, Caleb, staring, says: Last time we did this, you held a sword to my neck TRAVIS: Oh, that’s right LIAM: Good times TRAVIS: Sorry about that LIAM: Eh TRAVIS: Control issues and such LIAM: I wouldn’t know about that (snickering) MATT: Okay I’d like you all to roll stealth checks with advantage, because you are invisible, and you have plus 10 because you cast Pass Without a Trace, right? So you are super fucking stealthy right now LAURA: Oh god, god, thank god LIAM: You’re the Nazgul. (whispers) SAM: 30 TALIESIN: With advantage? MATT: You both have it You guys have advantage, you do not get the plus 10 because you guys are your own separate troupe LAURA: Yeah MICA: Wait, what? MATT: Unless you cast– LAURA: You flew further than 30 feet away from me MICA: Oh, okay SAM: I rolled a one and a seven LAURA: Oh my god, I rolled a one as well TALIESIN: Oh god, that’s terrible MICA: I got a 10 total MATT: Total of 10? What’d you roll? MICA: I rolled a seven MATT: With advantage? MICA: Yeah MATT: Well, the owl’s is plus eight, remember? MICA: Oh shit, I’m an owl MATT: The giant owl has a plus eight to stealth MICA: Thank god SAM: How do you know that? MATT: Because I remember from last time we played MICA: Oh yeah, you’re right, okay, so seven plus eight LAURA: 15 MICA: That one MATT: Okay MICA: Thank you, owl TALIESIN: Five (groaning) MATT: With advantage? TALIESIN: I rolled two fours MATT: Oh, buddy All right TALIESIN: I thought we had Pass Without a Trace LAURA: You flew away from me TALIESIN: You were going to come, oh MATT: Beauregard? MARISHA: 24 MATT: 24, okay TRAVIS: What the fuck? LIAM: But an owl the size of a Barca lounger has a plus eight to stealth? TALIESIN: They’re quiet MATT: So you guys fly up. Where are you heading towards, is this the roof? MICA: Towards the roof where the hatch is MATT: Okay You head towards the roof, and you watch as the one guard is fazing out a little bit, goes, and is just on alert SAM: Oh no MATT: Hears something Doesn’t quite know direction, doesn’t see anything, of course, but does seem to be going from a passive, it’s an every day scenario, to being at least on some level of alert TRAVIS: His icon turned yellow MATT: Yeah, this is a, little exclamation point, bling! TRAVIS: Yeah. (laughter) MICA: Little eye shows up like in Skyrim You’re not quite hidden, but you’re not quite seen LAURA: You got to get hidden so he goes back to– MATT: Exactly So you guys make it up. You’re landing on the roof The space there is about a 10, 15-foot gap It’s a little bit of a squeeze; you’re going to have to like glide in and then stop MICA: Okay MATT: And you’re holding them? MICA: Yeah MATT: All right, what are you going to do? To land, you got to let them go, and you got to glide in What are you doing? It’s coming quick MICA: It’s coming quick, I’m going to get as close as I can, and try and gently drop them, but make sure they have enough space to like, you know how owls pull back and like stop? MATT: Okay MICA: So drop them with knowing that I have enough space to like, brake, emergency brake MATT: All right, all right I’ll say roll a dexterity check for me, using the owl’s physicality MICA: Using the owl’s dex LIAM: How far back is the street team from the front of the– MICA: Hmm MATT: About 150 feet MICA: Seven MATT: Seven TRAVIS: Fuck MATT: So– MICA: You’re banished MATT: I need both Caduceus and Beauregard to roll acrobatics checks, as you are both suddenly flung from the owl at the top speed of 60 feet per round, I think it was? MARISHA: Natural 20 LIAM: Yeah MATT: You three-point land like anime landing, like skid across, without, just a rock Caduceus? TALIESIN: 12 MATT: 12, Caduceus (impacting) tumble a bit You hear the guard go, “What’s that? “Hold on.” LAURA: Do the other two guards seem to notice what that third guard is doing? Or is it just– MATT: They do not! LAURA: Okay MATT: They’re just going about their business LAURA: So the top one is the only one seeing shit What are the two guards on the ground doing right now? MATT: One of them is just at the front door keeping watch, the other is doing like a perimeter patrol of the outside gates LAURA: Okay, then– SAM: We’ll wait till he or she walks away LAURA: I’m going to get to the side of the house SAM: Is there a gate or a fence to climb over? MATT: There is, there is an iron fence with wooden pillar, or sorry, stone pillars that are about eight foot tall, the gate’s about seven feet tall, and about every 10 or 15 feet or so are these stone pillars between each segment of iron gate SAM: Climb over?
LAURA: Sure, stealthily Well, here’s the thing MATT: Okay LAURA: Is there anywhere along the fence, like, that in a split second it looks like neither of the two guards are looking can see us? SAM: Is it a barred fence or is it a solid stone fence? MATT: No, it’s iron bars about maybe that far apart SAM: And there’s pillars MATT: And there are stone pillars every 10 or 15 feet that these fences go to, yeah SAM: We’ve got invisibility LAURA: Just do it? SAM: Yep MICA: Oh my god LAURA: This is really bad, though SAM: It’s going to be fine MATT: Whatcha doing? LAURA: Going to get behind the pillar, right here, and I’m going to Dimension Door us right behind the guard on the third level MATT: The one who’s on the balcony? Okay LAURA: Right behind him SAM: I’m going to prepare my weapon LAURA: I’m going to get ready to drop down to the ground and yank him down as soon as we do MATT: Okay, so MARISHA: Dope MATT: You guys hear, as you’re getting ready, you hear the (impacting) on the roof and the guard reacting, and you’re like, “Oh shit,” that’s when you get behind the pillar SAM: On three MATT: You wait for the guards to not be looking Roll a perception check, Jester LAURA: Oh dear Okay 18 MATT: With a quick glance, which is all you need, you find the right moment where the guards are looking in opposite directions of where you both are You pull in, cast the spell, and (whooshes), with that, you are immediately leapt in a split second to the exterior of the home on that balcony, both landing, and the guard there is like, just finished cocking the heavy crossbow back and is looking up at the roof and is about to like, head back in towards the glass door What are you doing? LIAM: Fuck him up LAURA: I yank him, and pull him back right as Nott– SAM: I’m going to shoot him in his throat MARISHA: Yes! MATT: Okay! Go ahead and roll an attack, Jester LAURA: Okay TALIESIN: That got dark MATT: Well actually this, that’s cocked This wouldn’t be an attack, this would be a grapple attempt for you So this is a strength, or an athletics check is what it is SAM: Jesus LAURA: Ooh Athletics? MATT: Yes LAURA: 19 MATT: That’s a fail As soon as you land, the guard goes, “Wha–?!” and you just grab and pull him onto the ground He’s like (grunts) and is trying to make noise SAM: I’m shooting him in the neck MATT: Go ahead and make an attack SAM: It’s a sneak attack, I assume? MATT: Currently threatened by your ally, yes, it is sneak attack and surprised, so Which means you get advantage on the attack SAM: Natural 20 (groaning) TRAVIS: Oh my god! LIAM: That reaction’s getting giffed (laughter) MARISHA: Yes TRAVIS: This dude– SAM: Oh boy TRAVIS: — was falling asleep MICA: Minding his own fucking business LIAM: I was like, “I’ll cast Sleep on him, “he’ll just take a nap.” Nope, dead MATT: Yep Well we’ll see, we’ll see TALIESIN: Yeah MICA: He’s at least going to bleed the fuck out SAM: First shot, because it’s a crit, you double the dice? MATT: Correct SAM: 60 (gasping) But it automatically shoots again MATT: Well, fire again, fire again SAM: That’s a 22 to hit MATT: Go ahead and roll damage LAURA: Oh my god SAM: Nine more points of damage MATT: (gagging) (coughs) (laughter) As another arrow goes into the throat Fucking dead instantly SAM: I’m sorry LAURA: Nott SAM: I’m sorry LAURA: You killed him SAM: His head fell off (laughter) I’m sorry LAURA: I thought he should go to sleep Oh my god, oh my god TALIESIN: This is– LAURA: I’m going to pull the things out of his throat and like tie a little bit of sash around his neck so you can’t see the blood (laughter) MATT: Okay (laughter) LAURA: Then I’m just going to make it look like he’s not bleeding I’m going to Cure Wounds, because he’s dead already MATT: Cure Wounds doesn’t get rid of blood SAM: Just paint over it LAURA: I’m going to paint over it MATT: Okay, okay SAM: Just wrap it LAURA: Just make it to where you can’t see the blood MATT: There’s a lot of blood, you just fucking shot him in the throat and killed him in one hit We’re talking, like, like it’s– yeah LIAM: It’s the Red Wedding LAURA: But is he wearing like armor? MATT: Yeah, he’s wearing like a simple breastplate, some simple pauldrons TALIESIN: And a pool of blood, he’s wearing a pool of blood MATT: He’s wearing a pool of blood A red apron SAM: I’m going to take his hands and his large crossbow and point it backwards, like he couldn’t take it anymore LAURA: No, Nott, don’t, no, because he’s got to look like he’s still here, he’s got to look– TALIESIN: How is this happening! LAURA: He just needs to look like he’s still sitting SAM: You want no one to notice this? He is dead LAURA: Yeah, but we can Weekend at Bernie’s him and just– TRAVIS: No! No! SAM: Okay, okay, okay We can flip him over like he’s sleeping, we can put him in like a sleeping position LAURA: No, he’s got to just, (sighs) SAM: I mean he’s dead, we can’t make him look alive
LIAM: We are going PvP with Reani any second LAURA: She doesn’t see this is happening MATT: That’s true TRAVIS: Do something, do something, do something MATT: What are you doing, guys, what are you doing? LAURA: I’m going to pull him away from the balcony to where he’s like– MATT: Towards the windows and the glass door? LAURA: So nobody can see SAM: The windows and glass door TRAVIS: Like a kid’s room, they’re like– (laughter) LAURA: If I look up, can anybody see onto the balcony? Can you see it from like a high vantage? MATT: No, not on the third level of this perspective and pulling away, no LAURA: Okay, then from here I’m going to– TALIESIN: Bury your shame LAURA: Yeah I mean, how do we get up to the– SAM: We climb LAURA: Can we climb up to the roof from here? LIAM: It’s awful slippery now MATT: You can, so you’re just going to leave the body there, by the side, and you’re going to attempt to climb, I need you both to make athletics checks, please MARISHA: Oh my god MICA: I think I just got abs from laughing so hard TALIESIN: I love that it’s always the person who is so adamant that we make a complex plan that is the one to immediately throw everything out the window TRAVIS: Murder MATT: You both are trying to find any sort of hand or foothold from the balcony, and there’s no way up to the roof Like, you can see a couple of bits of the frame, but you just don’t have the strength and leverage to actually get any sort of– SAM: There’s windows and doors here There’s windows and doors on this level LAURA: Yeah, but they could be like trapped and stuff SAM: I can look for the traps What are you going to do, Dimension Door us? LAURA: I was going to Dimension Door us to the roof SAM: That seems like an escape way, but yeah, do what you do, do what you do LIAM: This is going to turn into that one Black Mirror episode TALIESIN: It’s already there MARISHA: Which one? LAURA: I’m going to Dimension Door us to the roof with everybody else MATT: Okay TRAVIS: Not inside? LAURA: I thought you guys were already on– MATT: After tumbling for a moment, and like– LAURA: Should’ve gone inside MATT: Landed on the roof, you hear the owl come to land, footfalls onto the roof space there A little bit of a tumble, but you’re okay TALIESIN: I think we’re okay MATT: All right, so you guys are still invisible MARISHA: We haven’t seen them yet? TRAVIS: So tell me it was too far for you to just initially Dimension Door to the roof It was too far, right? LAURA: Definitely too far TRAVIS: You just killed us LAURA: We didn’t– I wasn’t going to– we weren’t trying to kill him, we were just trying to keep him quiet Because he heard you guys. He heard them! MARISHA: There’s no way (laughter) MATT: What are you guys doing? MICA: After hearing them tumble, I want to, as an owl, gently search for them with my feathers to just make sure that they’re okay MATT: They’re okay You eventually find them a moment later (poofs) Jester and Nott appear next to you on the roof LAURA: Hi (laughter) LAURA: Yeah SAM: This is just cherry sauce TALIESIN: I don’t know what that means SAM: Let’s pick the lock Where’s the latch? MARISHA: It’s over here TALIESIN: Check for traps, too MATT: Caleb, what are you doing? LIAM: I’m waiting to hear from my friend, Nott, who was going to message me when it was time SAM: When it’s time, when it’s time I’m going to go see if it’s locked MATT: Okay MICA: I’m going to un-owl at this point MATT: Go ahead and make an investigation check LIAM: I do say to Fjord, though, it feels like it’s been a little long since we’ve heard– TRAVIS: I smell metallic in the air Metallic liquid LAURA: No, you don’t LIAM: But it is stretching on in time here MATT: All right TRAVIS: The killing of innocent metallic MATT: Okay, so– LAURA: That all happened very quickly MATT: The roof is indeed locked, the latch is locked SAM: I will try to pick the lock MATT: Go for it So dexterity plus proficiency modifier SAM: Ooh, rough Oh wait, thieves’ tools, right? MATT: Yeah SAM: 17 MATT: 17? It’s not opening MARISHA: Can you Mage Hand it? MATT: It’s hard to latch on the inside The mechanism is partially in the interior, so you’re just unable to quite get it LAURA: I’m going to take my paints out I’m going to paint a hole MATT: Okay So you go ahead and paint a dark circle and give a little bit of the dimension to it, and Jester– at first it looks, you know, simple and rudimentary, but the more paint she applies and darkens the ink, eventually you’re like, oh, that looks like a hole, and then the section of the roof is just gone, and there’s just a hole in the roof SAM: Nice MATT: It’s kind of incredible MICA: That’s really cool LAURA: Thanks SAM: All right I will take out a piece of metal wire and rub it around my lips I don’t know Then going to message Caleb and say, okay, Team Alpha is going into the roof hole, the roof hole What do you want to do? You can reply to this message MATT: So you guys are 150 feet away from the home The range on Message is 120 feet, so you hear nothing LIAM: Nothing, okay ALL: (gasping) MARISHA: Oh shit TRAVIS: Going to plan SAM: He didn’t reply LAURA: Maybe he didn’t hear you TRAVIS: One dead, no communication SAM: Would I know that he’s too far, if I didn’t hear a response? MATT: Make an intelligence check, actually
SAM: Five MATT: Five? No It’s weird. He should have responded TRAVIS: (laughing) SAM: Maybe he’s hiding TRAVIS: We’re so good at this LAURA: Yeah, maybe he’s in his place and he can’t talk LIAM: Literally just had a talk about how I felt good about how things are going SAM: Okay MICA: Should I send a friend to go find him? SAM: If he didn’t reply to me, I’m pretty sure that means he doesn’t want to speak right now MICA: Oh Okay, well then we’ll just leave him alone SAM: Yep MATT: Okay MARISHA: All right, well, are we going to go in and find this thing everyone knows what we’re looking for? Should we split up once we’re inside? SAM: Definitely MARISHA: All right LAURA: Hold on LIAM: No, no, no, think! LAURA: Hold on, hold on, hold on. I’ve got the spell Let me look at it MARISHA: Two and two, split up SAM: There’s five of us LAURA: The spell can locate the nearest object of a particular kind So, I haven’t seen it in person, but I know that it’s a red ring, right? MATT: You do, you know it’s a spiraled red metal LAURA: I know it’s a spiraled red metal So I’m going to cast Locate Object MARISHA: Yes queen LAURA: And I’m going to think of that specifically MATT: Okay You finish the spell How long is the cast time on this, one action? LAURA: Yeah MATT: You concentrate, and you can sense the direction It’s below and a little bit in towards the wall of the cavern Beyond the threshold of what the visual estate is So you gather this is beyond and deeper into the rock LAURA: Okay, does it feel like what level it would be on? MATT: At this angle it’s hard to tell It’s one or two floors below you, from the roof LAURA: Okay So it’s either the second or third level MATT: One of the two probably, you gather MARISHA: This thing’s going to be behind lock and key for sure LAURA: Yeah MARISHA: Why don’t we do this? Why don’t we daisy chain it and we’ll just leave a few people stationed in places That way as you run back, if anything happens– Right, maybe? SAM: Sure MARISHA: Or is that terrible? SAM: I don’t know, we’ve got to find it first MARISHA: We’re all invisible LAURA: Well, you’re invisible, me and Nott are not invisible anymore MARISHA: Yeah, I keep forgetting LAURA: You’re invisible, I don’t even know MARISHA: Oh, right here LAURA: Okay MICA: Hi LAURA: Hi! MARISHA: Yeah SAM: We can’t see where you’re pointing MARISHA: I’m sorry (laughter) MATT: All right, so what are you guys doing? LAURA: We’re going, should we– MARISHA: Just go SAM: Just go in LAURA: I’m going to put my head in and look and see if there’s anybody in the room below us MATT: Okay, there is no light inside What you’re looking down into appears to be some sort of a master bedroom-like chamber It’s relatively gaudy in its attire, dark blue in its coloring, the floor itself is like a polished cerulean stone of some type you don’t recognize The bed is this garish canopied bed with thick curtains, gold trim The elements of carpet and rug that are set out there are a dark gray with purple accents The colors are completely not complimentary It is a fairly hideous chamber, in its elegance perceived You see a vanity cabinet next to that, you see a mirror above that, you see a dresser, and there is a door that leads into a hallway that lines up with what may have been where the hatch would’ve descended towards LAURA: Okay LIAM: What do we think, how much time do we think has passed since we said goodbye to them? MATT: About five minutes LIAM: Yeah, and what can Fjord and Caleb see from their vantage point, because we saw three guards, all of us, so what do we see? We see the same two guards patrolling and– MATT: You see two guards patrolling LIAM: And we no longer see– TRAVIS: And one dying very quickly? MATT: You were watching, and one of them just vanished Actually, both of you make perception checks SAM: Like a stream of blood running down the side of the house? TRAVIS: The balcony is just dripping? (laughter) TALIESIN: Into somebody’s latte LIAM: 20 TRAVIS: 12 MATT: Okay You just see the guard disappear You see a brief moment of a panicked Jester, and then she vanishes as well LIAM: So I saw Jester for a blink of an eye, and the guard’s gone now too, not sure beyond that MATT: Correct LIAM: Okay Okay, okay Okay, something’s– it’s going wrong TRAVIS: Why? LIAM: Jester was there with a guy and now the guy is not there and Jester’s not there TRAVIS: I see he’s not there She was there? LIAM: Jester was right there and that was not part of the plan TRAVIS: Why would she do that? LIAM: It’s Jester (sighs) TRAVIS: Supposed to be on the roof LIAM: Okay, okay, okay, okay TRAVIS: What are you thinking? LIAM: I am not sure I want to give it a minute, perhaps it’s better to stay out here with you, because we did not anticipate this TRAVIS: Oh, right, stay available?
LIAM: Yeah TRAVIS: What if the distance is too far? LIAM: Let’s try to get a little bit closer, carefully 40 or 50 feet TRAVIS: All right LIAM: Yeah MATT: So you go for a little stroll? LIAM: Yeah MATT: Okay, you get up to the edge of– nearish to the gate, probably about 100 feet or so from the house LIAM: Okay, I’m pulling out the copper wire (coughing) (muffled) What the fuck is going on in there? MATT: You hear Caleb message you SAM: Oh, oh, oh, yes, yes, we’re inside We had to kill a guard, but we’re in on the third floor TALIESIN: You had to what? MICA: Huh? SAM: Um LAURA: Um SAM: Shh (laughter) TRAVIS: That’s not a good face LIAM: Walk with me And we arc around the way (whispering) Nott says that they’ve murdered someone TRAVIS: (tight whisper) They murdered someone? (laughter) LIAM: That’s what she said TRAVIS: I thought– that was never part of the plan LIAM: Supposed to make this squeaky clean Five minutes TRAVIS: Where are they now? LIAM: Alcohol is a problem for that woman TRAVIS: I know You need to get closer We should move towards the back of the house LIAM: Scheiße (poof poof) We’re invisible MATT: Okay (laughter) TRAVIS: Warn someone first! LIAM: You first On three (laughter) TRAVIS: What, what are we doing? SAM: Go! (laughter) TALIESIN: Grab her! MATT: This is peak Dungeons & Dragons right here (laughter) TRAVIS: (panicked whispering) What are we doing? LIAM: I’m still here TRAVIS: I know, what are we doing on three? You disappeared LIAM: But I’m still with you, Fjord (laughter) TRAVIS: What are we doing on three? LIAM: We’re going to walk to the backside of the house TRAVIS: Why do we have to count for that? (laughter) LIAM: Well, I don’t want us to bump into– (laughter) TRAVIS: Boobie, boobie, boobies You’re crushing my pinky (laughter) LIAM: Eins, zwei– TRAVIS: What? LIAM: –drei! (laughter) MATT: And? LIAM: I start leading him along the right side MATT: Okay, go around the gate (laughter) TRAVIS: I’m an invisible baby walking LIAM: I don’t want them to just like walk and go bink! MATT: Okay You slowly make your way along the far side where the iron gate meets the end wall on that side of the cavern along the exterior of the courtyard All right, in the meantime, you guys are inside the bedchamber SAM: Oh. Caduceus, I can see you again, great TALIESIN: You can? MATT: Yeah, all the invisibility drops on you guys TALIESIN: In that case– MARISHA: All of us? MATT: Yes LAURA: Right, because he cast it on– TALIESIN: I’m going to cast Find Traps really quickly MATT: Find Traps? TALIESIN: Mm-hmm LAURA: Awesome MATT: That points them out, to what range? TALIESIN: 120 feet MATT: 120 feet SAM: Where’d you get all these spells? MATT: He had a night to prep, yo TALIESIN: I had a night to prep SAM: Damn MICA: Smart All right TALIESIN: I’m built for espionage today, not for healing SAM: That’s great MATT: Not for healing, so– TALIESIN: Don’t get hurt MATT: All right, you sense a trap directly beneath the vanity cabinet MICA: Oh TALIESIN: Trap MATT: You also sense a trap seemingly beyond the hallway, like the door, and there’s the hall beyond, and there’s a trap about 30 feet beyond there TALIESIN: There’s a trap on the other side of the door, possibly the door itself, and then like another 30 feet MATT: You also sense a handful of various other traps set throughout the house on the bottom floor TALIESIN: The bottom floor is a nightmare We’re just, if we go down there, it’s going to be– SAM: But in this room, you pointed to the vanity TALIESIN: The vanity is trapped, yeah SAM: Is that something that we should investigate, or we don’t think it would be in a master bedroom? TALIESIN: I feel like if I tell you no, you’re going to do it anyway SAM: No, I’m all ears MATT: It’s like underneath the vanity TALIESIN: There’s a trap like underneath the vanity SAM: Do you want to look at it? TALIESIN: I don’t know I’m very confused I also don’t really know, because I can’t really see the vanity, because it’s pitch black in here So I have no real idea I just know that there– I can kind of– I have echolocation SAM: All right MATT: (chuckles) Firbolg’s just– (clicking tongue) SAM: Should I try to disarm it? Is that a thing? MICA: Why? We don’t need it TALIESIN: I think we should skip it SAM: What if it’s hiding the ring? Maybe the ring’s in there
MARISHA: No, Jester knows that the ring is down the corridor a bit SAM: Oh, you’re right, you’re right, you’re right So wait, can you point to the direction that the ring is, and Caduceus, you point to where that other trap was, 30 feet beyond Are they pointing in the same direction? MATT: No, Caduceus is a little off to the right Like, Caduceus is pointing towards the vanity, towards the base of it, Jester’s pointing down the hall, in the direction of the trap that you– TALIESIN: Yeah, I know, that was– SAM: Point to the other trap TALIESIN: There’s a trap that way MARISHA: The down the hall trap SAM: Are they now? MATT: The one that’s 30 feet beyond, the next one, those are both in a similar direction SAM: Okay, that’s where it is. Let’s go MARISHA: That’s got to be where it is TALIESIN: Question SAM: Yes? TALIESIN: Is it possible that there’s a key for something in that other– beneath the vanity? LAURA: Oh MARISHA: There might be a key Are there any other traps in here in general? LAURA: Oh, like maybe they’re keeping a key– TALIESIN: That’s the only trap that I’m reading is the one beneath the vanity, right? MATT: Currently MARISHA: Goggles on I’m going to quickly rummage through some drawers in the vanity, look for keys or anything SAM: Watch out for the trap TALIESIN: The trap MARISHA: No, I’m not going to go under the trap I’m looking in the– SAM: That’s where it would be LAURA: Yeah, don’t– MARISHA: I’m going to avoid the trap MATT: You look in the vanity, and you find a series of like, facial powders, you find some gloves It looks like a bunch of evening wear accessories that begins and more of just basic makeup, and then eventually leads into various bits of smaller accoutrement for what would be a formal gown or attire LAURA: Question MATT: Yes LAURA: Are there doors in this room leading to the balcony? MATT: Yes, there is the glass door and the glass windows that are on the opposite side of the balcony you guys first appeared on LAURA: Can we see through them outside? MATT: You can see a faint bit of light that’s coming from just the general atmospheric light of the interior of Uthodurn’s street, and the area around you, and the lanterns that are now lit up in the area, but it’s all diffused through the weirdly textured fogged glass, so you can’t make out more than just a faint bit of light It’s refracted TRAVIS: What color is the glass? MATT: It’s like a faint bluish-green, I guess you could say Like a hint of teal, mostly clear, but a hint of teal to it MARISHA: It’s probably just jewelry or something in there TALIESIN: I would say, I’m learning to let go of control of things MARISHA: What? TALIESIN: If the trap looks like something you can figure out how to disarm, and if you’re feeling confident, then I’d say fine, but if you don’t, if it looks dangerous, we might as well keep moving SAM: I will investigate the trap MATT: Okay, roll an investigation check SAM: 15 MATT: 15 It is, indeed– what you find is not the vanity itself, but beneath it there is a small metallic lock box that has been slipped beneath the vanity, and there’s a little compartment that’s pushed up and slid inside, so you can try and remove it There isn’t a trap on the space, but the actual latch on the vanity has some sort of a mechanism It doesn’t look super complicated, but it’s not a simple trap either SAM: I think I’ve got this I’ll take a little nip of booze and I’ll try to disarm the trap MATT: Go for it, give me a thieves’ tools check SAM: 20 TALIESIN: Backing up MATT: 20 MARISHA: Ooh MATT: (clicking) You feel a spring go, and you’re like, nothing happens SAM: (sighs) MATT: So the trap is– SAM: I will open it MATT: All right Well, it is locked as well SAM: Oh, Jesus MATT: (laughing) SAM: All right, now I’ll try to pick the lock 25 MATT: 25 LAURA: Ooh MATT: It’s a pretty tough lock and you manage to just barely find it The tumblers are arranged strangely, and you have to feel around for them You haven’t encountered a lock like this But it’s not entirely unlike others you’ve encountered, you just have to adjust the arrangement in your mind, and you eventually find it after maybe a minute or so of fiddling with it It opens up and on the inside you see a pile of jewelry Like, fine gold and platinum necklaces, with pearls and gems embedded in it It looks like a beautiful set of formal jewelry You also see a vial, a potion that looks empty– like a glass vial– and a letter that’s folded LAURA: (whispering) Take the letter, read the letter SAM: You want to read it now? Get the thing first We’ll take everything SAM: Okay, you got it TALIESIN: Put it back SAM: Reani, we’re just taking this in case it’s useful in the next room MICA: (monotone) These people are bad It is good SAM: If we find– MICA: Her eye kind of twitches (laughter) LAURA: If they’re good, we’ll put it all back How about that? MARISHA: Maybe there’s something in the letter that says they’re bad SAM: I’ll hand the letter to someone I’ll rip it in half (laughter) LAURA: Yeah, Beau will definitely read it TALIESIN: So is the next trap where the door is, or is it beyond the door? LAURA: Beyond the door TALIESIN: It’s beyond the door TALIESIN: Okay MATT: The paper is blank MARISHA: Bullshit LAURA: (gasps) Invisible ink! MARISHA: It’s a fucking’ scroll or invisible ink or something like that, and there’s some sort of a–
TRAVIS: A vial that seems to be empty SAM: Wait wait, there’s a vial, there’s a vial MARISHA: Can you check out the vial with your alchemy skills? Can you see what it is? SAM: I’m going to just shake the vial next to my ear and see if I hear any liquid in it MATT: There’s liquid in it LAURA: (gasping) MATT: But it looks and appears empty, and you glance at it, and you can see, it’s a faint– it’s not even like water, it’s almost like, are you familiar with aerogel? TALIESIN: Oh, yeah, love it MATT: Where it looks like there’s liquid in there, but almost not. It’s like a ghostly liquid, it’s hard to– MARISHA: It’s totally invisible ink SAM: For sure But pouring it on won’t make the ink– LAURA: No MARISHA: But that’s the ink that’s probably– SAM: No, I assume so, but– MARISHA: Maybe there’s something in the jewelry LAURA: Maybe Dispel Magic? MARISHA: Yeah SAM: Okay Just pocket it for now LAURA: Pocket it for now MATT: Okay SAM: Shall we go to the trap? TRAVIS: (whispering) Unless it’s instructions on how to get into the vault MARISHA: I know SAM: All right, we’re going to make our way out the door to the trap MICA: Wait, before we make our way out the door I want to conjure an elemental cat No SAM: No MICA: A small– a small– A small gopher of some sort A small rodent MATT: (rodent noises) MICA: You will go first, because if any of the traps are bad and hurt us, unfortunately, we will sacrifice this gopher SAM: All right TALIESIN: Hmm LAURA: Nott can also dismantle the traps that we found MICA: What if Nott can’t? SAM: Okay LAURA: If Nott cannot, then– MICA: The gopher goes first TRAVIS: What if the wifi password’s on that invisible piece of paper? MATT: Sacrificial gopher has been summoned You go to exit, and the door’s locked SAM: The door’s locked in the bedroom from the inside? From the outside? Shit MARISHA: What if we– if I hold up the letter in front of the lock, when you cast Dispel Magic, can we get a two for one deal? LAURA: I don’t think so MATT: It doesn’t work that way SAM: I’ll try to pick the lock MATT: Roll for it SAM: Terrible, 16 MATT: 16? (clicking) It’s not opening LAURA: I’m going to cast Dispel Magic on the– SAM: Did I discern the– oh, on that LAURA: On the piece of paper MATT: Okay You cast Dispel Magic There’s a very faint wave of arcane energy, very faint, like a visible breeze for an instant, and suddenly this ink appears across the page LAURA: Quick Beau, read it, read it MARISHA: I speed read it MATT: So glancing through it, it’s encoded, meaning the phrases don’t seem to make sense initially, but go ahead and make an investigation check for me MARISHA: Do I get like a bonus because that’s my specialty? MATT: I mean, you get a bonus as part of your class, so yeah TRAVIS: She get a bonus for that hair? SAM: Yes MARISHA: Just investigation? MATT: Just investigation check TALIESIN: It is like cyberpunk noir TRAVIS: That’s like plus one MARISHA: All right Oh wait, no, sorry, sorry, sorry, just one, just one MATT: Just one, yeah MARISHA: Okay 15? MATT: 15, okay The series of sentences that seem disjointed, you’re familiar with this type of subtext A lot of smuggling, a lot of illegal trade A lot of things that deal with that are encoded through sentences in which you’re supposed to pull and arrange words separately, and there is an insinuation through a lot of it This seems to be talking about deliveries and acquisitions that have been requested It talks about a delay, to have patience It is signed with a “I.J.” I-dot-J-dot LAURA: Dot I-dot-J-dot MARISHA: Look for– SAM: I’m looking Definitely nefarious, Reani These are bad people MICA: Bad people LAURA: This sounds like slavers to me (gasps) MICA: That’s the worst SAM: Or even worse than that TALIESIN: Antique dealers? SAM: Yes MICA: No! MATT: I-dot-J MICA: Not Antiques Roadshow Don’t make me watch it SAM: All right, so we’re stuck in this room Can anyone open this door, Caduceus, you said you’re outfitted for stealth? TALIESIN: Well, there’s some stuff I could do SAM: Or Reani, can you make– LAURA: Are there metal hinges on here? SAM: I could do a Mage Hand MATT: There are metal hims hinges, yeah MICA: Is there a keyhole which one could possibly morph into something tiny and fly through it? MATT: Possibly, yeah Have to be super tiny There is a keyhole, yeah MICA: Don’t want to use my last Wild Shape
LAURA: Don’t do it SAM: Yeah, yeah, do it. We’re stuck in the room LAURA: No SAM: Of course do it LAURA: We’re not, I’m going to use my paint SAM: Oh MICA: Oh MATT: All right, so what are you painting? LIAM: Don’t you mean, “Oh!” SAM: Don’t waste too much, you could just make it– TALIESIN: We can make a little pearl hole LAURA: I have a feeling they’re locked from both sides, but I was wondering, maybe I can paint like a lot of rust on the hinges to where they just break, like totally corroded hinges MICA: Hmm MATT: You can certainly try SAM: Do you have a dapple sponge? LAURA: Of course I do MATT: So you attempt it? You go ahead and paint this heavy, heavy rust and like crack marks and breaks across the hinges Go ahead and make a– make a dexterity check for me LAURA: 22 SAM: Ooh MATT: The details are pristine You would think this is all natural rust Incredible The paint sets in Man, that’s a fucked door LAURA: Yank it MATT: Roll a strength check LAURA: 21 SAM: Ooh! MATT: 21 It snaps right off the hinges The door comes off in Jester’s hands SAM: So cool TRAVIS: Slick Good use of it LAURA: I’m trying to use like, little amounts of paint (laughs) Okay SAM: All right, we’re through LAURA: All right SAM: I’ll help her set the door down gently LAURA: What about Caleb and Fjord, are they coming in or what? SAM: I’ll check Take out my wire Caleb, Caleb are you coming in the room? We’re in the house– MATT: You guys are at the edge LIAM: We’re standing at the gate, invisible, watching two guards do this, right? MATT: Yep LIAM: Yeah MATT: Anything else? LIAM: Did that just come through? MATT: That just comes through SAM: Are you coming in? LIAM: (whispering) We are at the gate, and the guard on the balcony is gone You want us to come in? SAM: He wants to know if we want him to come in LAURA: Well, I have a feeling this is going to be, like– MARISHA: Quick in and out LAURA: You think it will be quick? MARISHA: I don’t know. I hope it will be TRAVIS: The old in and out? SAM: Yes, come inside if you can, but no rush LAURA: What? LIAM: And I reply– SAM: I don’t know LIAM: Caleb replies to that message: One of us or both of us? LAURA: Tell him both SAM: Both? LAURA: Just have everybody come in SAM: Beau, are you on this? Do you agree, Caduceus? TALIESIN: Hmm? SAM: Do you think they should come in? TALIESIN: Who? SAM: Our friends outside, Caleb and Fjord Tough TALIESIN: Oh yeah, I mean, it’s always good to see them (laughter) SAM: Both of you come in MARISHA: It might be good to have like, stations, you know? SAM: What? MARISHA: As long as they’re in speaking length SAM: One of you stay a little further out, or maybe all the way out One of you come in and one of you– LAURA: They both get on the roof MARISHA: The buddy system, man! LAURA: Both get on the roof and then one maybe stay on the roof? SAM: They’re not getting on the roof You can reply to this message (laughter) MATT: What are you guys doing? LIAM: I silently tug at Fjord’s hand and pull him back away from the building, 30 feet, so not quite as close, and send my own message MATT: You do realize that casting Message casts a spell– LIAM: Makes it disappear, yeah But is there any structure or anything? MATT: You can find a structure, but you’ll probably get– LIAM: But I’ll get out of range MATT: — of Message to do it, yeah LIAM: Okay, I’m going to pull Fjord a ways away out of sight MATT: Okay TRAVIS: (whispering) We’re moving away from the building (laughter) LIAM: Okay, without doing anything, I say, once we’re out of sight: Okay, so they messaged me to have both of us to go in, but I’m not sure how to get both of us in I know that I can get myself in TRAVIS: Yeah, no, you just go I’ll be fine out here invisible How long does this last? LIAM: An hour or a couple more seconds when I drop it We’re totally blocked from sight? MATT: You found a little alcove, yeah TRAVIS: Yeah, no, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine I have items and stuff. You just– you just go MATT: You turn into a bat? LIAM: Yeah MATT: All right You return to visibility, and are now sitting in a small alleyway off near one of the estate storage houses, and you’re just alone ALL: Aww TRAVIS: Anyone around or looking? MATT: At the moment, no It’s still early morning TRAVIS: Oh, what a morning for bread, and shopping (whispering) Good luck MATT: Okay, you– (flitting) LIAM: Yeah, and I’m going like: This is very bad day
MATT: Roll a stealth check for me LIAM: Bread, bread MATT: Using the bat’s bread stealth LIAM: I never had that stat up, but it was plus–? TALIESIN: Eight LAURA: No, that’s the owl LIAM: One. Just plus one for–? LAURA: I’ll look LIAM: I’m just going to roll LAURA: Hold on LIAM: Pretty okay LAURA: What do you– it’s the dex? LIAM: Dex, yeah LAURA: Plus two LIAM: 13 MATT: 13, okay Okay One of the guards patrolling glances up and sees it and is like, notices you, but is like ah, fuckin’ bat, no big deal You make your way up on the roof, and you can see the hole carved there (laughter) MATT: All right You guys make your way around the hallway There’s the trap on the opposite side, there’s another door there on the opposite side of the hallway, and you can see there is the hatch up there and there is a ladder that is beneath it, but the hatch is still locked inside TALIESIN: All right But the trap that I was sensing– MATT: It’s on another chamber beyond the secondary door that’s on the other side of the hallway TALIESIN: Okay Where’s the ring, if you remember? LAURA: It’s been less than 10 minutes, I’m assuming So yeah, I’d still know where it is SAM: Okay, let’s keep going? TALIESIN: Yeah MARISHA: I’m going to keep an ear out, do I hear any– MATT: Perception check MARISHA: –sounds, footsteps, presence? TALIESIN: I’ll join you in that MICA: I also want to put my hamster in front of us, so it’s going first MARISHA: Five TALIESIN: 14 MATT: Okay You don’t hear anything yet The door is locked, across the way SAM: Oh, jesus Okay, okay, okay LAURA: There’s no traps? TALIESIN: Not on the door, no SAM: All right, all right, all right, I’ll take another little nip, and then– LAURA: Hey, don’t drink too much SAM: Okay Then I’ll try to pick the lock again 26 MARISHA: Yes MATT: (click) (creak) SAM: It’s just like the other one. I figured it out (laughter) MATT: You guys enter what is a small storage chamber You can see there’s sheets thrown over old furniture, the smell is dusty and musty You can see there is a small desk in the corner, a couple of barrels. It’s just a general storage room that looks to have not seen a whole lot of– LAURA: Hidden doors, hidden trap, hidden anything SAM: Well we know where the trap is, right? MATT: The path we’re leading you to is pointing towards a large armoire, that itself is, you know, cleaner than the rest of the furniture upon glance SAM: Don’t open it, don’t open it LAURA: Are there traps? SAM: There’s a trap in it LAURA: I was just kidding MATT: As you open the door TALIESIN: No, no, he knew there was a trap MATT: Okay, okay, I’ll allow it SAM: I’ll shoot her in the throat (laughter) TALIESIN: Got to stop solving problems that way MATT: Fury of the small! (laughter) MATT: All right SAM: Don’t open it, don’t open it LAURA: Why? SAM: It’s got traps LAURA: Oh. Oh, good job, Caduceus TALIESIN: Yeah, I know SAM: Should I try to disarm it? Because if I fail, it’ll go off LAURA: Check out the trap and see if it’s super hard SAM: I will see if I can locate or identify– TALIESIN: Identify the trap first SAM: –the type of trap 28 MATT: Okay TRAVIS: Jesus MATT: There is no trap on the doors to the armoire SAM: Go ahead and open it LAURA: Where is the trap, then? MATT: It is, however, locked SAM: Oh, fucking shit, balls, shit All right, all right (panting) TALIESIN: I’m standing to the side of this thing, no matter what happens I’m backing up a bit I believe in you SAM: I’ll use my Mage Hand for this one MATT: Okay SAM: Stand back 10 feet, and– what am I doing? Unlocking it? MATT: Unlocking, yeah SAM: 29 MATT: 29 Opens without issue SAM: They’ve really been using the same lock on all of this The same thing, it’s amazing Dumb MATT: Okay, you open it up, and on the inside you can see there’s six different outfits that have been thrown over a central pole, so there’s just layer after layer of different colored silks or different materials LAURA: Where’s the trap? TALIESIN: Can you sense where the ring is still? MATT: The trap is further in the armoire TALIESIN: Further in, but the ring, though, since you have the ring– MATT: Same direction SAM: How much further? MARISHA: Is the armoire up against the wall? MATT: It is LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah MARISHA and TALIESIN: Oh! SAM: It’s a door, it’s a door TALIESIN and MICA: We found Narnia! MARISHA: We totally found Narnia! MICA: Time to go pet Aslan LIAM: Where is Bat-leb, by the way? MATT: Now a bat flies into the chamber with you guys You hear (flitting) and you look and you see a bat (gasps) LAURA: That’s a Caleb bat LIAM: What the hell are we doing? What happened? LAURA: ♪ We found a secret passage through an armoire. ♪ LIAM: Why were you on the balcony? SAM: There was a guard that had spotted us, so we silenced him LAURA: We were saving– we were saving everyone, because he was like, “Oh my god, I hear people,” and he was about to like go and call out, and so we– SAM: We knocked him out LAURA: And tried to knock him out, but Nott accidentally–
SAM: No, we knocked him out LAURA: –murdered the shit out of him SAM: Oh, she’s going to– LAURA: She didn’t mean to. We didn’t mean to kill him We were only going to make him quiet, and then he died SAM: His head partially fell off LAURA: But it was an accident! We’re still good people SAM: If you’re going to kill me, can you just wait until we leave first, and then you can kill me? LIAM: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Wait Wait MATT: Wait TALIESIN: Wait LAURA: Wait LIAM: Caduceus TALIESIN: Yeah? LIAM: What is going on? TALIESIN: We found a– we found a magic closet I don’t know anything beyond that LAURA: We can’t wait too long, because my Locate Object only lasts for 10 minutes LIAM: I cast Detect Magic MATT: Okay You detect– the range on that is? LIAM: 30 I think, 30 MATT: 30 feet? You sense a faint bit of magic towards the back of this closet LIAM: What kind? MATT: This would be necromantic SAM: Oh MARISHA: Ooh LIAM: That’s bad armoire (laughter) TALIESIN: Everyone’s on fire tonight, man (laughter) (laughter continues) TALIESIN: Good to have you back MICA: It certainly is (laughter) LIAM: I quickly, rapidly look all around the room Is there anything else besides the necromantic armoire? MATT: Nope MARISHA: Do I see any signs– LIAM: I cast Dispel Magic in its direction MATT: Okay MARISHA: Oh, cool MATT: Go ahead and roll a d20 and add your intelligence modifier LIAM: My what now? MATT: Add your intelligence modifier LIAM: 23 SAM: Ooh, good MATT: You sense the magic fade SAM: (sighs) LAURA: What– how do you know that it was good that you– LIAM: Now it’s a good armoire, okay MARISHA: Do you think it was going to eat our face off? I bet it was going to eat our face TALIESIN: I would have to cast it again, but I can find out LAURA: The trap is still there? SAM: Well we don’t know, actually MATT: You don’t know, are you casting it again? TALIESIN: What level is that? MATT: Second level TALIESIN: Sure, I’ll cast it again MATT: Okay, the trap is no longer there, but you now sense five other traps roughly about 80 feet ahead of you TALIESIN: There are five other traps roughly 80 feet ahead– MATT: In the same direction that you’re in TALIESIN: –in the direction that we’re going SAM: Into the armoire? TALIESIN: Yep SAM: All right LAURA: Let’s do it MARISHA: Where did you leave Fjord? LIAM: He’s a ways away from the street We wanted to both come in but– LAURA: What are the clothes hanging in there? Are they cool at all? MATT: They’re pretty nice robes LAURA: Whoa, look at these pretty robes SAM: Just grab it LAURA: I just pull one and put it on SAM: Because they’re bad people MARISHA: Do I see any sign of shit that looks like it was smuggled or illicit substances, or signs– MATT: You can start to tear through the room if you want I mean, everything here looks furniture-like, but you can begin to do a more– SAM: Let’s stay on task TALIESIN: There’s obviously better stuff this way LAURA: I’ve only got 10 minutes for my spell MICA: Also, as we go in, they keep saying, you know, because they’re bad people I pat Nott and I go, slavery is very bad (strained) I’m sure it’s fine Then I just keep walking MATT: Okay SAM: If she tries to kill me, will you protect me? LAURA: I’ll really talk you up, okay? (laughter) SAM: You’ll “talk me up”? (laughter) LIAM: Having seen the trap that is in this room, and there’s a lot of people working, I would like to sort of investigate the room to try to figure out who lives here that they had that MATT: Okay SAM: The bedroom? MATT: Make an investigation check MARISHA: Wait, you’re staying behind and looking? LIAM: People are at work SAM: We’re going to go in TALIESIN: We have to open the lock that’s behind the armoire LIAM: That’s a 16 MATT: 16, okay, so you start looking through What are you guys doing? SAM: Is there a lock? MATT: It’s going to take you a while to do that There is a lock on the back door SAM: Jesus MICA: That’s a fucking lot of locks SAM: All right, one more time, one more time MATT: Yes, I wonder what they’re guarding SAM: Going to take another little nip of booze LAURA: Don’t drink too much SAM: Don’t worry, I’m okay 20 MATT: 20 You just barely manage to find a bit– This is a larger keyhole, and as such, there’s more distance between where the tumblers usually hit, and there’s a weird spring mechanism on the inside that you’re afraid might have been attached to that earlier trap, or at least what would have triggered it, but you manage to just get it to turn slightly enough where the latch scrapes open and it opens up to a hallway You have to step through, and it’s a bit uncomfortable for like, a taller person to get through This seems to be designed for a smaller or lithe individual, but there is a hallway beyond, lightless LAURA: Can we hear anything down the hallway? MATT: Make a perception check TALIESIN: I’ll join you in that TALIESIN: (sighs) LAURA: I know, right? TALIESIN: 16 LAURA: 10 MATT: You don’t hear anything MICA: I want to send my gerbil hamster, whomst I’ve named Henry TALIESIN: Henry the hamster MICA: Henry the hamster, down the hall first MATT: (scampering noises)
TALIESIN: But not too far MICA: Not too far, not too far, just like a little bit of recon, yeah, 50 feet or so MATT: Okay, goes out 50 feet and stops and turns around MICA: Do I still have talk with animals up? MATT: No, it would’ve faded. That was yesterday MICA: All right, I’ll cast it again MATT: Okay MICA: Did you see anything? MATT: “No.” MICA: Did you hear anything? MATT: “No.” (laughter) SAM: What a snooty hamster MICA: Are you ready in case we need you again? MATT: “Mm, yeah.” MICA: Okay (laughter) MICA: That was my recon TALIESIN: I’m going in blind, I guess Let these people go ahead of me MATT: You guys are going in the darkness? TALIESIN: Just for the moment I trust you guys SAM: We’re just going to keep going ahead? MATT: What’s the marching order here? TALIESIN: I’m in the middle LAURA: Nott should be in the front SAM: I’ll go first LAURA: I’ll go behind Nott MATT: Nott’s in the front, followed by Jester TALIESIN: Then me MARISHA: And I’ll take the rear MATT: All right, with– LAURA: Caleb and Reani? MATT: Caleb and Reani and then Beau? SAM: Whoa, look at Reani’s miniature MICA: Yeah! LAURA: Oh, it wasn’t here last week SAM: As we walk I’m going to cast Message to Fjord and I’m just going to tell Fjord, listen, we’re going deeper in, out of communication range, but if you see those front guards notice their fallen compatriot on the third floor, keep them distracted MATT: You’re too far. You don’t hear anything TRAVIS: I figured (laughter) SAM: He’s so stoic LAURA: He is MATT: All right MICA: This is going great, you guys MATT: So you guys continue in to the dark hallway LAURA: Should we send some lights or something? MATT: No sight, no sight You’re still perusing through, okay MARISHA: I’ve got goggles MICA: Do I see anything with darkvision? MATT: The people with darkvision, you can see fine, but just you have one member of your team, with Caleb staying behind, and you have almost no light in here in this chamber either, so you’re fumbling in the dark LIAM: I’ll blow some transmutation magic and give myself darkvision, then, from the transmutation stone MATT: You got it, okay Continuing though the hall, 20, 40, 60 or so feet You watch the hallway open into a chamber, and as you make a step, suddenly the chamber lights up (gasping) A globe in the center of the ceiling, affixed to it, warms, and this light fills the chamber You stand at the precipice of a pentagon-shaped room with five sides SAM: Always a good sign TALIESIN: Right, lots of traps LAURA: Where’s that trap, where’s that trap? MATT: As you look in the middle of this pentagram-like chamber, each corner about 30 feet from each other, end to end. You can see in the center of each of these walls there is a metallic case made of dark, gun-metal iron with a glass cage on top of it, set like a display And there’s one at each wall LAURA: (gasps) SAM: So there’s five total? MATT: There are five LAURA: And there’s traps on each one? MATT: There’s a trap on each one SAM: Is there anything in the middle? MATT: There’s nothing in the center It’s just that orb giving the light LIAM: So it’s like the mineral room at the museum? MATT: Kind of LIAM: Glass box, glass box That’s the best room at the museum MICA: And there’s no trap in the middle? MATT: That you’ve sensed TALIESIN: That I sense MARISHA: Do you still sense the ring? Is it in here? LAURA: Yeah, it’s– SAM: Oh yeah, is your spell working? MATT: I’d say you’d be on the very very end cusp, but yes, there is a box adjacent to where you enter to the left that you sense is probably where the ring is SAM: That’s clutch, by the way LAURA: Yeah, it’s pretty cool SAM: All right, let’s go over to it MATT: Okay, you walk up, and you can see– all the cases are identical, though in different sizes This one is a little thinner, and as you look across it, the glass top of it what has an iron cage based across it, light from the orb allows you to see, there is a faint silver velvet pillow, and on it you can see the ring resting on it, like a display case You gather this is a collection of some kind A hidden vault that contains a collection The ring you recognize as having the same spiraling red metal around the entirety of its band, very faint elven filigree along the spiral, and you can see in the middle of it a polished oval stone of jet This very much matches the description you were given LAURA: This is the ring SAM: Okay MARISHA: While they handle that– SAM: (cooing) Wizard. Are you here? Oh, you’re not in the room with us MATT: You by the way, you’re investigating in the dark– LIAM: I’m busy MATT: Looking through, it’s pretty much just empty storage Yeah LIAM: Okay Okay, I will abandon it and gingerly make my way
into this room, this sex dungeon where they are, clearly MATT: Okay Well, right this way, Mr. Gray (laughter) LAURA: Oh no MARISHA: Look at the other cases MATT: Okay You walk by. The next chamber you come across has– Okay. This one has what looks to be a a leather-wrapped, thick bulbous vial with a stopper cork on the top of it It’s almost like a quick-silver type liquid that rests inside that reflects what light makes its way to the display case to where it looks like liquid silver The next one you walk past is an old book, maybe about that big, end to end There’s no title on it. It’s leather There is some intricate design put towards– it’s like a brownish-red color And that just sits in another element The next one is a similar size to the first one you found and there is another ring This band looks like it’s made of silver with a little bit of a gold line down the center, and there are runes across the top of the ridge and the bottom of the ridge as well It’s beautiful and it’s just resting there on its own pillow, similar color velvet beneath it Then the last one of the five, you see a wand, about that long, of beautifully carved rosewood Along it you can see all sorts of runes that spiral and then reverse, spiral and then reverse, spiral again The coloration of the wood seems to shift about halfway up from the rosewood to a dull blue to a purple and then back to the rosewood again It’s beautiful TALIESIN: I’m going to cast Detect Magic in this room MATT: All right You immediately sense multiple magical sources very strongly from each of these five cases TALIESIN: The cases themselves as well, though? MATT: You detect strong magical essence from each of these cases, and the space It could be a combination of the items and the traps You do get the sense that the types of magic you get from these, so– TALIESIN: Would I know that? MATT: As part of Detect Magic, you do learn the schools of it, and you do sense that the traps themselves are also magical TALIESIN: Sure, magic traps MATT: Correct TALIESIN: Magic traps MATT: There is a heavy enchantment sense from each of these stations, and then– TALIESIN: All enchanted MATT: The one that you guys are looking at here with the ring is a very strong enchantment-based aura The book has a strong transmutation element to it TALIESIN: The book’s giving off the changy thing LIAM: Caleb is already standing front of it TALIESIN: I figured you’d want to know MATT: The wand has– it’s hard to pick up It seems to shift in the moment TALIESIN: It’s a very weird stick MATT: Like a kaleidoscope of different schools constantly rotating The silver ring has a– an abjuration-based essence to it TALIESIN: Abjuration vibe on the silver ring, all right MATT: Yes, and the quicksilver-like oil in the container, that would have a it would have an enchantment base as well TALIESIN: That’s just some sort of weird motor oil, I don’t know Enchantment-based I relay all this LIAM: Caduceus, the cases themselves– TALIESIN: Are all enchanted LIAM: Are enchanted TALIESIN: The big one is– it’s giving quite a glow LIAM: I have not left the book TRAVIS: How far are those cases from each other just for context? MATT: They’re about 10, 15 feet from each other, and they’re about 30 feet across from the other ones Imagine the five-pointed star. They’re all kind of equidistant from each other within the chamber LIAM: Not that big a room A room about this big, probably MATT: Roughly. A little bit bigger than this MICA: Pinky? TALIESIN: Hmm, yeah? MICA: If bad people have these things, would that be bad? TALIESIN: I think– I think it would be I get the feeling this is– I have an urge to set a fire on the way out, honestly MARISHA: Yeah, can I– oh, go ahead MICA: (stuttering) Sh-sh-should (inhale) Should we make sure bad people don’t have bad things? TALIESIN: I think we have to be careful to take care of ourselves first, but– MICA: Okay, but what if we need to save other people, because what if this could hurt other people? TALIESIN: Yeah, I think we should possibly– what was the word? Liberate some of this MICA: Yeah, okay Okay TALIESIN: I’m going to check– I want to check the entrance
to this room MATT: Mm-hmm TALIESIN: Is there some sort of locking mechanism that if something gets triggered, is the room going to get sealed? MATT: Make an investigation check TALIESIN: Why investigation, man? MATT: Because this is exactly what you need to do– TALIESIN: I know MATT: –to try and figure out these type of mechanisms TALIESIN: Oh, that’s good Uh, one (laughter) I rolled a two minus one MATT: You, um– Like, you’ve been around doors most of your life TALIESIN: I mean, really I haven’t, though, I really haven’t MATT: Well, entrance-ways TALIESIN: Sure MATT: Egresses, there have been passages TALIESIN: There have been a few MATT: You’re really unable to figure out if there’s anything special about this one TALIESIN: Oh man, I don’t know LIAM: When you were putting the blacklight on this room, did you see anything besides these cases? TALIESIN: The stuff in them, the cases LIAM: The cases and what’s in them Nothing on the ceiling, nothing– MATT: There would be a faint magical essence from the glow of the orb in the center TALIESIN: But nothing else, really MATT: No MARISHA: Is there any type of script or coding or anything on the walls? LIAM: Yeah, on doorways, or patterns, or writing, aside from these museum cases? MATT: Make a perception or investigation, your choice MARISHA: I will take that investigation fucking check LIAM: 21 MARISHA: Jesus fucking Christ, I’m supposed to be good at this and I roll shitty every time MATT: I’m so sorry MARISHA: 11 MATT: No It is simple, it is blank, nothing in the chamber is meant to distract from the presentation of these objects They are the center of attention LIAM: Were the walls metallic? MATT: No, they’re stone They’re carved from the interior of the mountain MARISHA: Is there any type of– you said it’s shaped like a pentagram or a pentagon? MATT: Pentagon MARISHA: Pentagon. Is there anything on the floor? Drawn between the display cases or any iconography? MATT: No MARISHA: Okay LAURA: Why don’t we just drag it open and take it? LIAM: No, no, no SAM: We should do the one that we’re here for LIAM: Which is this one, Jester? LAURA: It’s this ring right here, yeah SAM: If that one goes okay, we can talk about that book MICA: Would I recognize any of these items from time with the Auditors or time I spent– MATT: You can roll a history check MICA: All right MATT: Or arcana, your choice Actually, arcana would be more the one for this one MICA: Okay SAM: Sweat stains in the pits MICA: 11 MATT: 11? You have no idea MICA: No idea? LIAM: So I have a couple of attempts at pulling away magic from some of these cases LAURA: Okay TALIESIN: The two big ones LIAM: And then– LAURA: Like Dispel Magic, you mean? LIAM: Yeah, yeah, I will dispel the magic if I’m able to, if it’s not too strong, and then my cat will maybe give a little sniff to each thing and we’ll see if he survives it SAM: Okay Let’s start with the ring MICA: I also have Henry SAM: That’s right LIAM: That’s even better LAURA: Let’s try to dispel some magic LIAM: Yeah Let’s do the… ring first TALIESIN: What’s the worst that can happen? SAM: Do you want to test it out on the book one? LIAM: No, we came here for the ring TALIESIN: What’s the worst that can happen if this goes wrong? LAURA: We all die MARISHA: Yeah, I was going to say, alarm goes off, a giant monster comes busting out from another dimension that they’ve locked away TALIESIN: Okay, I’m going to cast Resistance on Caleb then, so you just get to– just in case you need a saving throw, there’s a d4 in there for you MATT: For the next round, you mean? TALIESIN: No, one minute MATT: Oh Resistance, sorry, I was thinking of another cantrip LIAM: Everyone back out of the room with me TALIESIN: Yeah, we’re going to back out of the room LIAM: I’m going to do this at a distance How far away can I get and still see? MATT: About 40 feet LIAM: In this case, so I will stand 40 feet back with everybody, hopefully– MATT: Yeah, before the tunnel begins to cut off your visual range LIAM: And wave my hand in the air and mutter a word or two and cast Dispel Magic on our target MATT: Go ahead and roll a d20 and add your intelligence modifier LIAM: 19 MATT: 19 You release the spell, you see the faint shimmer once more of the dispel, like a slight distortion visually LIAM: Nott the Brave SAM: Did it work? LIAM: Yeah SAM: Oh, great LIAM: Do you want to see if it is locked as well? SAM: Sure TALIESIN: I put the d4 on you now SAM: Great, I’ll go over with my Mage Hand and try to– can Mage Hand investigate? No, I have to investigate, the the Mage Hand can do things MATT: The Mage Hand can use your thieves’ tools at a distance SAM: So I’ll go investigate to see if it’s locked MATT: Okay SAM: 17? MATT: Definitely locked SAM: Okay, I’ll back up MATT: It is a very intricate lock SAM: Oh, fuck I’ll back up 29 feet, and– LIAM: Can anybody help her out here? TALIESIN: I have another d4 on that LIAM: Yeah yeah, anybody else? LAURA: I mean, it’s a saving throw, Bless MARISHA: I mean going to guard the door, just in case MATT: Okay TALIESIN: No ability bonuses LIAM: No, I can’t LAURA: Tell you what, Nott, you’re the coolest, you can do it SAM: d10 inspiration
LAURA: (laughing) MATT: All righty SAM: All right, I will Mage Hand and try to pick the lock 26 MATT: 26 TALIESIN: Damn MATT: You watch as the thieves’ tools gently drift over with the faint outline of the Mage Hand drifting it there As she concentrates, you watch them shift and turn, and one latch opens, but it’s a multi-tiered latch, it’s like three locks in one And with each one you unlock, it pulls one of the tools away and you have to push in further, unlocks, then pulls it away It’s like fractal of a lock LAURA: That’s fucking awesome MATT: And as you’re concentrating and sweating and gritting your teeth, you can taste blood as you bite your lip, just concentrating, and then (clicks and creaks) (gasping) MATT: Then the lid opens LAURA: (gasps) LIAM: Use your Mage Hand again TALIESIN: Mage Hand SAM: I will Mage Hand to pick up the ring MATT: Okay Carrying the tools in your hand– SAM: Oh, I’ll bring the tools back MATT: Bring it back SAM: Put it in my pocket LAURA: Grab the whole pillow MATT: The ring drifts LAURA: Just kidding, grab the ring Oh my gosh, we’ve got it MATT: And it’s in your palm SAM: Okay What do you want to do now? MARISHA: Question TALIESIN: Put it in the bag MARISHA: Should I take it and get out of here while you guys see if you want to finish the rest of this? SAM: That’s not bad TALIESIN: Not a bad idea LIAM: How are you going to do that? MARISHA: Go out the way we came SAM: She’s the fucking coolest LIAM: I know she’s cool, but– TALIESIN: All right, I think that’s a good idea MARISHA: I don’t know LIAM: Maybe hit the roof at least, so that you have eyes on the outside? MARISHA: Yeah MICA: I can take her LIAM: Okay MARISHA: Buddy system? LIAM: Yeah LAURA: Okay LIAM: Buddy system MARISHA: I feel weird being away from Fjord LAURA: Nobody gets left behind or forgotten MICA: Oh (laughter) TRAVIS: Did you just fucking Lilo and Stitch? Jesus Did you just ohana? (laughter) MATT: All righty, so what’s the plan? LIAM: We’ll wait till they go up MATT: All right, so you guys make your way towards the roof again? MARISHA: And we’re going to stealth the fuck outta that shit SAM: She’s taking the ring MATT: All right How are you stealthing away? MARISHA: How? MATT: Yeah MARISHA: By my dope monk skills LIAM: They’re going up to the roof MATT: Oh, so you’re not leaving the roof, you’re going to the roof? Roll a stealth check for both of you guys SAM: Oh boy LAURA: Stay to the back MARISHA: 24 MATT: All right LAURA: (whispering) You got it MICA: (exhales) 15 MATT: 15, you both gingerly tiptoe your way back to the roof, climbing up through the hole, helping get Reani up, and both of you find yourselves sitting on the roof quietly, successfully stealthed LIAM: All right, Mighty Nein, rinse and repeat TALIESIN: Tap you for a d4 LAURA: Don’t use up all your spells because you’re going to have to invisible people off the roof TALIESIN: Well, we’ll figure something out SAM: Can’t you just Dimension Door all of us? LAURA: Just one other person LIAM: I am hoping to just use one more spell in here only LAURA: Okay TRAVIS: Which one is it, which item, which item? LAURA: Of course, which one do you think? LIAM: The book MATT: The book, okay Go ahead and roll a d20 and add your intelligence modifier LIAM: 24 SAM: (gasps) MATT: You are rolling well tonight LIAM: Making up for last week’s trapped in the countryside MATT: This one’s to the immediate left of the entry way MARISHA: What?! MATT: So you look over to it, concentrate LIAM: You were fantastic You see a slight spark fade LAURA: Nice LIAM: Okay, okay, okay One midnight gone LAURA: (laughing) ♪ One midnight gone ♪ LIAM: I reach my hand out and place it on Nott’s shoulder and cast– no, I resist the urge TALIESIN: Just giving you the d4 now, Nott SAM: Is it up to me? TALIESIN: Yep LIAM: Ja TALIESIN: I have a plan B, but yeah LAURA: I’ve got a plan C SAM: I’ll take another nip of liquor MATT: Okay SAM: (exhaling) (groaning) Sorry I will Mage Hand– oh, first I’ll go investigate, see if it’s locked MATT: Okay SAM: That’s a crazy roll Natural one MATT: I mean– SAM: It’s locked SAM: You look at it and you’re like, I mean, it looks like the same sort of arrangement as the other things there TALIESIN: That’s a good place to get your natural one out SAM: I don’t see a lock, but I’ll guess that one’s there MATT: I’ll say with your intelligence as high as it is, you surmise that it’s locked in a similar fashion SAM: Okay, I will cast Mage Hand and I will pick the lock Similar, 26 MATT: 26 TALIESIN: Jesus MATT: (creaks) Opens up SAM: Your book, sir LIAM: Would you carry from afar down onto the ground?
SAM: Sure, I grab it I’ll bring it to him LIAM: Okay MATT: You can already smell the musty scent off of it LIAM: (contented sigh) (laughter) LIAM: Frumpkin apparates next to me, and I ask him to set his front paws on the book MATT: (mews) LIAM: That’s a good boy MATT: (purrs) LIAM: (contented sighing) What else do we want to do here? SAM: Take everything in the room! LAURA: They’re going to be so pissed, you guys LIAM: So, so so so, so We need to be able to get out of here I have the ability– LAURA: How strong is your Dispel Magic, is it like super-duper strong or is it like level two and three strong, or is it like level five strong? LIAM: Well, I could only do that one more time, for one more of these I am getting pretty tapped I can still cast Invisibility on one person at a time, three times TALIESIN: Let’s maybe, I don’t know, I’m feeling like we– I feel like two is a good number LAURA: Maybe don’t press our luck? TALIESIN: I feel like we’ve pressed our luck SAM: We have LIAM: What are the three remaining objects again? TALIESIN: A ring MATT: There is the vial of quicksilver type liquid, there is the silver and gold ring with the runes across the top and bottom, and there is the beautiful wand TRAVIS: Multi-colored power TALIESIN: That’s really hard to pin down TRAVIS: Beyond description LAURA: I really like things that are rainbow colored TRAVIS: Wand of Eternity! LAURA: I also really like rings SAM: Wow, what is that? TRAVIS: (whispering) Untold ability LAURA: I can try to do what you were doing SAM: Do you have Dispel Magic? TRAVIS: (whispering) Harry SAM: Go for it LAURA: But I don’t know how high I have to cast it SAM: Just do it TALIESIN: Cast it, take a– LIAM: Real high LAURA: Real high? TALIESIN: d4 LAURA: Hmm, I can’t use– TRAVIS: Meanwhile, I have this damn thing LAURA: I don’t know (laughter) MATT: Just sitting here with your fucking Dispel Stone, just like “Hmm.” MICA: Wouldn’t that be nice? TRAVIS: Or this dagger that just, you know, goes into a keyhole and locks and unlocks it LIAM: It’s spellcasting modifier, right? LAURA: Huh? LIAM: Is the bonus going into it LAURA: Oh, right LIAM: So your WIS LAURA: My wisdom is really high, but– MATT: Only unlocks its own lock SAM: Well, the DC is actually– on her it’s DC plus level LIAM: Yeah MATT: The DC is 10 plus the level of whatever the enchantment spell is LIAM: Yeah LAURA: Oh, okay MATT: You’re trying to beat that You don’t know what level that is LAURA: Okay, make an ability check using– oh, so then I would roll and then– MATT: You would roll a d20 and add your wisdom modifier LAURA: Okay, okay, okay, okay Then I’m going to cast Dispel Magic on the wand one MATT: Okay, roll a d20 and add your wisdom modifier You guys are cleaning these guys out SAM: They could come home at any moment Okay LAURA: Wisdom modifier, 16? MATT: 16 You watch as the energy ripple, similar to Caleb’s, but it has like a slight greenish tint to it, as it (whooshes) dissipates it TRAVIS: Ooh, that’s a different kind of magic SAM: Did it feel like it worked? MATT: With a bit of Traveler flavor LAURA and TRAVIS: Oh LAURA: Yeah, the Traveler was with me, it’s gone SAM: All right I’m feeling cocky TALIESIN: d4 there SAM: I’m going to take a little nip TRAVIS: Jesus LIAM: I reach out and grip her wrist LAURA: Nott, stop. Yeah LIAM: Maybe we celebrate with a drink on the outside, yeah? LAURA: No nips before, okay? SAM: This isn’t for fun But all right LAURA: You’ve nipped it up real good LIAM: Wait TRAVIS: Do you get advantage when you drink? LAURA: No TALIESIN: Quite the opposite LIAM: I rest my hand on her shoulder SAM: Thank you LIAM: Go ahead SAM: I will roll to unlock with Mage Hand 17 MATT: 17? (clicking) (clinks) Nope But something clicks in the lock MARISHA: Uh-oh MATT: You don’t know what that means LAURA: We should get out of here MARISHA: Go, go, go SAM: I needed that drink LAURA: Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go TALIESIN: We’re making our way out I’m making my way out MATT: Stealth checks, everybody else LAURA: ♪ Making my way outside, on the roof ♪
♪ Time to run, and I cast Pass Without a Trace ♪ TALIESIN: Oh, you do? Thank you ALL: (singing “A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carlton) MICA: (gasps) TRAVIS: What fucking was it? MATT: All right, so, down the row MICA: No, I’m not with you, but MATT: Down the row Oh, you’re already there LIAM: 17 MICA: We’re on the roof MATT: 17 with plus 10 from Pass Without a Trace? LIAM: Yeah MATT: Nott? SAM: 39 MATT: Jester? LAURA: ♪ One one one ♪ TALIESIN: 22 MATT: Okay TRAVIS: (quietly) Oh my god MATT: You rush through the hallway, out of the armoire, into the next hallway, into the room with the hole up top Nobody seems to notice at the moment One by one, you help each other up and you’re back onto the roof You guys watch as the rest of your friends arrive MARISHA: Good, good, good, good TALIESIN: We got to get outta here now I think we tripped something, we got to go SAM: I could go back and get it The magic is dispelled, we could just knock over the thing, just smash through LAURA: Something happened on the trap I think they know we’re there SAM: But they’re not there LAURA: Good thing we were staying outside of the room, huh? MARISHA: You killed a guard SAM: Don’t tell Reani that LAURA: She already knows MICA: I already know LIAM: She’s right here TALIESIN: Okay, we got to go MATT: You hear a voice go, echoing in the courtyard “Hey, hey, we got to check inside.” SAM: Are we on the roof yet? TALIESIN: Yeah MATT: You’re on the roof, yeah SAM: I’m casting Message Fjord, Fjord, we’re made, we’re made Kill the guards in the front LAURA: No, no, no! MATT: He’s too far away LAURA: Thank god Everybody, I can– MATT: You pulled him off to the alleyway, and you’ve just been walking around, or are you staying near the house? LIAM: There’s two guards MATT: Okay, then you may have heard that LAURA: I’m going to grab Caduceus, because he’s the biggest and it’ll be the hardest, and I’m going to Dimension Door me and him MATT: To? LAURA: 500 feet away from the fucking house MATT: All right LAURA: Like in a back alley, if I can see one MATT: You don’t know this city very well I will say go ahead and roll an intelligence check for me TALIESIN: You have one more shape MICA: I do TALIESIN: Oh, thank god MICA: I do LAURA: Do I still have that extra luck thing? No, that was from last night MATT: Yep LAURA: 13 MATT: 13, okay You vaguely remember maybe glancing out of the corner of your eye at an alleyway at one point, and you hope and concentrate on that, and both you and Caduceus appear in a shadowed alleyway inches from the stone wall and like, oh TALIESIN: Transmute into an elf, I Disguise Self elf MATT: You got it, okay LAURA: Same. Same MATT: All right. The rest of you LIAM: While you were doing that I’m going to go peek down over the front Are they still out there, or do they immediately go in? MATT: They have entered the front door SAM: Did Fjord respond to me? MATT: Fjord, have you responded? TRAVIS: Did I hear them? MATT: I’ll say you would’ve heard him, if you’re wandering TRAVIS: Could I see where the guards are and if they’re acting batshit? MATT: You see them heading into the house now TRAVIS: (loudly) Excuse me, excuse me SAM: Everyone hold, everyone hold TRAVIS: The master of the house– MATT: They’re inside the house They’re not even listening Something– they seem to be very much on a sudden alert and rushing into the home TRAVIS: Oh god, I start looking around, like looking up on the roof, looking out Do I see anybody of the group? MATT: Make a perception check TRAVIS: 12 MATT: 12? No, you don’t LAURA: Can I pop out of the alleyway, do I see Fjord? MATT: No, you guys are way off, you went 500 feet away, he’s like 115 feet away from the house TALIESIN: Meandering our way back towards the house, maybe– MARISHA: Does anyone have a Mending or something where we can put the hole back together that we put in the roof? TRAVIS: More like the guard LIAM: We’ve already fucked this place MICA: The way that the city is built, if I flew straight up, would I fly out of the city, or do I have to go– MATT: No, you’d have to go all the way up to the top of the Volition Disk and then up through the central hole, where the entrance– MICA: Is the street starting to be populated? Like are there people, is it morning now? MATT: You’re getting pretty close You’re starting to see more people than there were earlier A few folks are starting to emerge from their homes It’s like 6:30 in the morning You would say– LIAM: So it’s not dead, there are a couple of people about? MATT: Like, you see two people in the streets It’s beginning, people are starting to wake up, and like, greet the day What are you doing? LAURA: Invisibility, can you do Invisibility? It’s just the three of you up there now MATT: Yep SAM: He can only do one at a time MARISHA: One, two, three, four MATT: Or four of you guys LAURA: Oh, but you can do it SAM: Yeah, but can you do– at a time? LIAM: One at a time right now Or I could do three people, but then I’m blowing a 4th-level LAURA: Do it LIAM: Three people, but are you invisible still? I can’t remember MICA and MARISHA: No MICA: If you make me invisible, I can carry us off the roof LAURA: Yeah LAURA: I’m gone SAM: She’s gone LAURA: I have Caduceus, we’re out It’s just you guys LIAM: Then these three, Nott, myself MATT: Okay SAM: Why don’t you do yourself, I’ll do me MARISHA: Yourself, and then yeah, because we’re stealthy as fuck LIAM: Okay MARISHA: Yeah, yeah MATT: All right, so three invisible with Caleb there,
and you turn yourself invisible SAM: Yes MATT: All right Reani, what are you doing? MICA: Giant owl MATT: You take a moment, feel around, manage to grab the three of them, thankfully as they’re not the heaviest of the troupe MICA: Before I giant owl, can I Pass Without a Trace? MATT: I’ll allow it, yeah MICA: Sweet So I’m going to Pass Without a Trace all of us MATT: You maintain that concentration in your owl form MICA: Yep MATT: You do have disadvantage on your stealth check because you are carrying three people, but that balances out to a singular roll MICA: Okay, so single roll, and I get the extra 10 for Pass Without a Trace, right? MATT: Correct MICA: Okay, let me find my– MATT: So you’re plus 18 to your roll. Total MATT: So, as Reani takes off as the owl, invisibly from the site of this break-in entry, I need you all to make stealth checks, please You would have disadvantage, I’m sorry, because it doesn’t give you advantage on the– it’s just plus 18 to whatever you– MICA: So just plus 18? MATT: Yeah, to whatever your disadvantage roll is LIAM: Is Reani’s cargo Pass Without a Trace as well, right? No, just one? LAURA: No, I Dimension Doored us MATT: Well no, she cast it herself LAURA: Oh, never mind, I’m sorry MATT: Yeah, so you guys have it as well So I’m sorry, disadvantage on the roll, but you add plus 18 to whatever you roll MICA: 21 MATT: 21 SAM: 25 TALIESIN: 20 MARISHA: 22 SAM: Whoa LAURA: (lips fluttering) MATT: You scoot off the roof, your feet catch and knock some of the elements of the stone work on the edge to tumble, but they fall silently into the grass below Kind of like weird subterranean gardens that they build here in the more upper class elements, here in the Demerant Circle Quietly over the city, looking behind you, you can see now the guards are now– the lights are turning on in the house Certain window lights turning on in the house Who knows what else is going on in there right now, but it’s behind you LAURA: I’m going to send a message to Fjord MATT: Okay SAM: Oh, yeah, he’s still there? TRAVIS: (drunkenly) Hey, you owe me money! LAURA: Fjord! Fjord! TRAVIS: I’ve come to collect! LAURA: Everybody’s out of the house Get away from the house Get back to– Reani’s house maybe, I’m not sure where we’re going, but everybody’s gone, just get away TRAVIS: Do I hear that? MATT: I’d say you would probably backtrack enough SAM: Is that Message? MATT: To leave the message, so sure TRAVIS: I’ll come back for my money later (laughter) MATT: Okay For the purposes of expediency on this, you do manage to return to Reani’s home to gather safe and sound with the items you have recovered So, unless there’s any other business, you can go ahead and return this ring to Ava TALIESIN: I’d like to know what it is before we return it, but other than that LAURA: Yeah, we should Identify the fuck out of this stuff MATT: Okay, so you’re casting– LIAM: Identify, ritually, on both the ring and the book MATT: All right, the ring– TALIESIN: I’d like to know what the cost is LIAM: Yeah SAM: We have stolen valuable items from dangerous people and things twice in a row now MARISHA: That went pretty well, actually SAM: Yeah, Reani, you are our good luck charm MARISHA: I think so MICA: Yay! TRAVIS: Just trying to help LIAM: I know, darling LAURA: (laughs) MATT: But you also have the iceflex, and can begin to make your journey with Umagorn towards the forge LAURA: Yeah! MATT: So When you’re ready for that, let me know Want to try and get to one moment tonight so we can give you a proper exit as well as hit a good narrative point, so, hang tight for just a short time more, guys, if you don’t mind LAURA: Yeah, yeah LIAM: This ring is used to implant dreams in someone’s mind LAURA: Whoa, that’s dark, and cool TALIESIN: Is there a top involved or– SAM: That’s cool LAURA: Implant dreams into someone’s mind? TALIESIN: That’s pretty cool LIAM: Yeah Of your choosing Imagine if you could put a dream in someone’s mind to follow the Traveler LAURA: I mean, that’d be fucking cool LIAM: Yeah LAURA: How do we know that they haven’t been using those kinds of things on people already? TRAVIS and TALIESIN: Probably have SAM: In any case, giving this back to Ava doesn’t seem like such a bad thing LAURA: No TALIESIN: It’s the path we’re on, it’s the path I’ll walk SAM: It’s not a world-breaking item TALIESIN: I’m comfortable I’ll make that exchange LAURA: Yeah, let’s make our way back to Ava TALIESIN: Yeah MATT: All right For the purposes of expediency as well, Ava is extremely happy to make the trade if the ring is presented She is excited and congratulates you
on this successful mission, and she gives a bit of respect and surprise to you, Reani “But if you wouldn’t mind, a trade is a trade, yes?” TALIESIN: The whole box MATT: The entire box, friend LIAM: You feel good about this? TALIESIN: I do LAURA: We need that We need that glass LIAM: Yeah TALIESIN: I do feel good about this MATT: “Finally, home where you belong.” LAURA: Are you going to plant a bunch of dreams in people’s minds like crazy? MATT: There’s a moment of Ava’s eyes just shooting daggers at you and intent and goes, (chuckles) “I have plans “But here you are.” She hands over the box, which contains a sizable amount of refined residuum glass TRAVIS: Oh! LAURA: Yeah! MARISHA: Can I get an idea if she’s actually just a normal old antiques collector? TALIESIN: There’s no such thing MATT: Make an insight check TALIESIN: Ever met one? (laughter) These are creatures beyond MARISHA: 17. Sorry 15, 15 MATT: 15? There’s definitely a lot more going on than just the surface, and you know, strange trading post runner, but you can’t ascertain more beyond that Definitely a more tiered and involved persona TRAVIS: She’s a demogorgon LAURA: You’re not going to let anyone know where you got that, right? MATT: “Of course not “Do you think I have a successful business “by providing information about my sources? “You’re fine.” LAURA: Okay MATT: “As long you won’t tell anyone where you gave this ring.” LAURA: Why would we do that? MATT: “Precisely “Well, good luck, and I’m proud of you.” MICA: (shudders) SAM: She likes you now MICA: (groans) LAURA: Try to do a flower crown, see if she wants a flower crown MICA: (gasps) Quickly Druidcraft a flower crown and slide it across the table MATT: She takes it and goes, “You’ve certainly helped “hobble some bad folk.” MICA: (high-pitched noise and squeak) TRAVIS: Wow TALIESIN: Worth it Entirely worth it MICA: Yeah TALIESIN: Look at that SAM: I’ll look at the imps. Are they surprised? MATT: They’re both going They’re definitely surprised MICA: I look up at them, I’m like: You’re next MATT: “Anyway, our business is concluded, “unless you want something else.” TALIESIN: Oh, pleasure doing business with you MATT: “Then goodbye.” SAM: All right, so we’ll hook up with Umagorn and make– MATT: You notice on the way out, as soon as you guys leave, the moment you’re exiting, she takes the crown off (laughter) All right, so, you gather Umagorn, you gather your materials, and you begin your two-day trek to the Cinderrest Sanctum with the iceflex Upon which your arrival– with the information and the experience that you’ve had, you manage to avoid marauding ice giant hunters, amongst other dangers in the vicinity, until you come upon the familiar mountain of Kravaraad Entering, the Dust family awaits you It seems that Ichabod, the father of the family, has returned with his son Let me go ahead and prepare this element of my notes here, as you’ve moved on to the next As well as Brumhelm, the youngest, who’s like a young dwarf, maybe in his teens, quiet and shy Umagorn asks for help from both Khemdal, who is the keeper and maintainer of the forge, as well as his assistant, Deilin, to help as well, and begins the process of reforging the weapon The heat is immense, and the process– Umagorn halfway, or even like 30 minutes in, sweating, turns to you, going, “This is going to take a while “Going over my notes, I’ve got some help “I’ll probably need to work through the night “But I’m excited “I’m going to get this done, so don’t mind me.” Ping, ping, and you watch as the Underforge begins to glow, and it seems that with the presence of this inspiration to create, the fire and the magma seems to intensify, burning brighter and hotter Not in a way that’s uncomfortable, but just it’s an electric sensation,
like the forge itself is a living being that is as excited for this as you are You have an evening’s rest here, within the Cinderrest Sanctum Is there anything that you’d like to do while you rest or move on? TALIESIN: I’m probably going to meditate and have a quick communion with the Wildmother about precisely what is the ritual that I’m to enact MATT: Okay So you can finish your Commune, you burn your incense, prepare and close your eyes You sense the warmth wash over you like a breeze in the center of a summer day You sense her presence, you sense her smile, and the images and emotions begin to fill you Wordless, but understandable What are your questions? TALIESIN: Do you wish me to feed just three of these into the– into the magma? MATT: You have four large pieces? TALIESIN: Four or five, I believe MATT: I’d say it’s like four and a half large pieces She says no TALIESIN: May I give you all of it? MATT: “Yes.” TALIESIN: Thank you for taking care of him I remove my coat, just the things, just wearing the things I wore when I was working in the rove Quietly I find a quiet space and I take everything in the box and as close as I can get to the heat before it really hurts, and I– MATT: It hurts TALIESIN: Then I’ll take a little damage MATT: Okay And you place them within? TALIESIN: I do MATT: As the shards of refined residuum touch the flames, you feel a fear well up inside you, almost like you’re expecting the glass to begin to melt And most people would Instead, you watch as they almost begin to burn The flames beginning to catch around them Glass should not ignite, but flames do crawl across their surface Burning brighter, the magma there Orange, yellow, white You have to almost wince, and about 15 minutes of this intense heat causes you to step back and just trust in the faith Then the light begins to subside, and they’ve changed a bit The shape of them is less like a piece of glass and more like a crystal that has grown roots The coloration which was once dark and green now is purplish in hue It’s beautiful Mysterious Definitely changed To what full nature, you don’t understand, but you remember the dream you had, the vision you had, and a sense of peace and accomplishment washes over you TALIESIN: Can I grab it? MATT: You can take a set of the tongs from the edge of the forge that aren’t in use, and as you’re doing this, you can see three of them up there on the Underforge in the process of taking the iceflex and hammering it through and folding it and pressing it in, and pushing the pieces together, and then refolding, and re-engraving lost runes, and it’s beautiful, but they’re so entranced by it There’s like a weird energy that seems to be driving them on past the point of a normal individual’s exhaustion would take them This forge seems to inherently instill, energize, and provide the will to create great things As you take the tongs and release them one by one, they are cool to the touch TALIESIN: I have five of them now? Or just one MATT: Five There’s four of them, and there’s like a smaller one, it’s about half the size, but they were all transformed in the same way Like a potato that’s been left in the pantry too long and has grown the various roots that stretch out, but made of purple crystal TALIESIN: I’m going to gather them up and take them back to the others LAURA: Magical old potatoes MATT: Does anyone else wish to do anything? LIAM: Is it about midday at this point after our shenanigans? MATT: We’ll say at this point it’s getting close to night LIAM: Are businesses still open out there? MATT: You guys are in the forge
LIAM: Oh, we traveled out here? MARISHA: We fast traveled LIAM: Sorry, I was reading all the shit MATT: No, I skipped ahead for the purposes of, you know– not too much would’ve happened there anyway and I want to get us to a point of– LIAM: Could I retroactively have dived into– kept an eye out for a paper store on the way out, to get my supplies? MATT: Sure Yeah, they have supplies, there are arcane practitioners LIAM: Okay, I don’t want to drag us down recreating that over and over again So then, forget that, I was reading, as I’m wont to do You seem frustrated (laughter) Fjord TRAVIS: Me? LIAM: Yeah You shouldn’t, though, you know I get where you’re at, you are figuring shit out You’ll figure it out TRAVIS: Yeah, I hope so I’m not particularly frustrated, more curious Not impatient, either. I just want to be able to help and not hinder LIAM: Yeah, it’s very clear that you’re feeling a little less than, and I think that’s foolish, I don’t think you need to I think you’re going to find your way again Just give it some time You know, this book that we got is, uh it’s not really my thing, but you might find it interesting reading Take a look at it, and you know, peruse the pages a bit, if it’s not for you, check with the rest of the group and see if they’d like it, but I think it’s meant for you, perhaps TRAVIS: The book is? LIAM: I hand it over to him, and then I head off to start transcribing some spells MATT: All right LIAM: During all that TRAVIS: All right LIAM: That’s it for me MATT: All right. Anyone else? MARISHA: I got a bottle of whiskey in Bazzoxan in case Nott flew off the handle, that we haven’t we touched, if anybody wants to, you know, celebrate TALIESIN: I’ll watch MICA: I’m in MARISHA: Jess? Nott? LAURA: Oh, I’ll definitely sit there MARISHA: Not going to drink? LAURA: Mm-mm MARISHA: You’re drinking with me though, right? Okay, thank god I don’t want to be alone LAURA: You’re not alone, Beau Even if I’m not drinking, I’m still here with you TALIESIN: I’m drinking with you in spirit MARISHA: Yeah, it’s fine, I take a big swing and then hand it to Reani MICA: I take a big swig as well MARISHA: Yeah Yeah SAM: No, I’m fine TALIESIN: Wow. That’s SAM: I mean, we’re– TALIESIN: No, it’s just that’s interesting Any particular reason? Normally you’re the first one to say yes Are you feeling fine? SAM: Yeah, I’m fine, I’m fine LAURA: Just feeling so good, it’s okay, she’s fine TALIESIN: No, that’s great, that’s great That’s great, I’m happy to hear that That’s fantas– I mean, to be fair, you did very well LAURA: You did really good SAM: Would’ve been better if I had that– LAURA: No, you didn’t need it, you know what, we didn’t get that wand and it’s fine, and it was fun to get out of there in a big rush It was a sign, we needed to get out SAM: Would’ve gotten that wand, but it’s all right LAURA: Nope, we don’t need it SAM: That’s fine MICA: Are you sure you don’t want a drink? LAURA: (aggressively shushing) MICA: Okay, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it I just take another drink (laughter) MARISHA: Pass it back, pass it back Yeah TALIESIN: I got an interesting idea Do you still have that note that we took from the house? MARISHA: I do You want to play crosswords and shit? TALIESIN: Well, I have an interesting idea I was trying to think of a good gift to give you for everything you’ve done for us Yeah, you MICA: I got it TALIESIN: You know what that note is? SAM: What is it? TALIESIN: That’s a super villain MICA: (gasps) MARISHA: I hand you the booze and the note Looks like they’re smuggling something MATT: Make an intelligence check MICA: Oh, yay LAURA: Ooh MICA: 21 MATT: 21 TALIESIN: Sweet MATT: The initials I.J MICA: (gasps) Oh! Oh! I didn’t write it down, but that’s the one asshole, right? MATT: The J catches your attention MICA: Jagentoth? MATT: Mm-hmm MARISHA: (gasping) MICA: Fuck Drunkenly I’m like– TALIESIN: Fucking Jagentoth MARISHA: Fucking Jagentoths LAURA: Wait, what? MICA: I know, I know– SAM: What is that, what is that? TRAVIS: They make computers MICA: They’re so bad TALIESIN: Mackerel Jagentoth MICA: They’re these mean as a family of criminals and they’ve been terrorizing Uthodurn, and they’ve been– they’ve been roughing up the patrons,
and I’ve been fighting them MARISHA: Yeah, we’ve heard of the Jagentoths SAM: We have? LAURA: We have? MARISHA: Yeah I think they ran amok in Rosohna? No, they’ve run amok, I’ve got it written down MATT: You’ve got it in your notes MARISHA: I know I do SAM: It’s somewhere in those 84 pages MARISHA: It’s in one of these books Hang on, was it all the way back in Zadash? Give me a minute Give me a minute SAM: What do you know about them, Reani? MICA: They– they steal, and they– they– they terrorize people in Uthodurn These weren’t the ones that brought back– that go to the Savalirwoods, were they? MATT: Well, they hail from somewhere south of there, yes LAURA: (gasping) MARISHA: Hang on, hang on MATT: Not the ruins of Molaesmyr, but they do occasionally attempt to– MARISHA: Can I do a roll for this? So I’m not searching through my notes MATT: Well, you’re a member of the Cobalt Soul I was going to see if you wanted to find it and have that epiphany, as the note taker MARISHA: I know it’s in here, I know LAURA: God, that’s so hard to find anything MATT: It was over a year ago SAM: Oh, I got it! MARISHA: It was over a year ago? SAM: It’s Shadycreek Run, Jagentoths, in some place called North Clover, the Savalirwood It’s the cursed woods Slavers LAURA: They are slavers! ALL: (shouting) MARISHA: They were slavers! LAURA: I knew they were slavers MARISHA: They fucked with Lorenzo and shit, right? Didn’t they work with him? They were the rival family that hired Lorenzo and the Iron Fucks MATT: Yep SAM: The Iron Shepherds MARISHA: The Iron Shepherds, that’s right MATT: They were the ones that were shipping the relics, including the first orb of Uk’otoa that you found MARISHA: That’s right MATT: That was set in the– LAURA: Oh, we really should’ve taken their other stuff We should’ve cleared them out TALIESIN: Hey, you got a super villain MICA: They want me so dead, but I’m going to fight ’em TALIESIN: And you’ve got proof now MICA: I have proof now, and I can track them Thank you TALIESIN: Hey MICA: Wait, will you give me one more present? MARISHA: Yeah MICA: Will you come back to visit? SAM: (sighs happily) MARISHA: Yeah, why else do you think I spent 2000 gold on that teleportation circle? MICA: For books and stuff? MARISHA: No, we like you LAURA: We like you a lot TALIESIN: Yeah, we do MICA: You guys are the first family I’ve had other than Landon Umi doesn’t count because he’s busy all the time, and I’m busy all the time, and Fen doesn’t count anymore, but I like you guys LAURA: We like you, too MARISHA: Yeah MICA: Pinky promise? LAURA: Pinky promise forever! MICA: Yay Thanks Before all of them leave, I want to craft new flower crowns for them MARISHA: Aww MATT: Certainly MICA: I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, you guys MARISHA: Aww No! MICA: I know TALIESIN: I have one last thing I’d like to do with Caleb, also, if you’ve got a second LIAM: You got to interrupt him TALIESIN: Do you have a moment? LIAM: Uh– SAM: He’s playing Words With Friends (laughter) LIAM: Ja TALIESIN: I show him the small purple crystal What’s this look like to you? What do you see? LIAM: A crystal very similar in hue to you? TALIESIN: Can you get any sense of it, what it might be? MATT: Roll an arcana check LIAM: Yeah Balls 13 MATT: You have never encountered this The one thing about it that you do notice as a transmutation wizard is that transmutation that happened there doesn’t make sense Which means this might be a little out of your depth LIAM: Sorry TALIESIN: No, it’s okay, that’s an answer I think I know what it is anyway LIAM: What do you think? TALIESIN: I think it’s the head of a hero LIAM: Small TALIESIN: Aren’t we all Or at least, aren’t all of you I won’t bother you again, good luck with that thing LIAM: All right, tall boy TALIESIN: (chuckles) Bye Caleb TRAVIS: If Caleb– sorry MATT: You do recall that there are two parts to that vision TALIESIN: Mm-hmm. Yes, I do MATT: Yeah TRAVIS: If Caleb gave me that book, and it was a two-day travel back to the kiln, could I say that I’ve spent most of the trip reading it and trying to absorb
its contents, and you know, just spending time with it? As part of an effort, not– MATT: I could say you can begin to TRAVIS: Yeah MATT: Because it takes a while to read through TRAVIS: I’m also not great at reading on horseback MATT: Yeah This would be goatback TRAVIS: Goatback, yes, even better MATT: Because you’re going through the mountains TRAVIS: Could I also try to take Beau up on some of her morning exercises on the way? MATT: Sure TRAVIS: Yeah MATT: (laughs) TRAVIS: Does not go well in the beginning, but the effort is what counts MARISHA: I don’t want to make you puke You’ll probably puke TRAVIS: Yeah, I puked MARISHA: Oh, sorry TRAVIS: As I see Caduceus go off to perform his meditation, I’ve seen him do that before I don’t want to bother him Can I go off into my own corner and try to trace like a circle in the soil and MATT: Like on the outside of the sanctum? TRAVIS: Yeah, just make my own little space, circle, and sit in the soil, and– MATT: Okay TRAVIS: Try to– MATT: The sun has set by this point, and it is cold, so you need to bring some furs to bundle up a bit, but you find similar to almost the first point of communion that you made with Caduceus, last time you were at the sanctum You can find a similar place, clear it out, and attempt your own TRAVIS: Yeah MATT: Okay TRAVIS: And just silently try to talk to the Wildmother, if she’s listening MATT: Okay You close your eyes and you think Thoughts, wishes, questions It’s cold, you shiver a bit, and you yawn You focus, and you get this strange sensation like your body is floating, like a sensory deprivation tank Your sense of physical self begins to just tingle and fade Eyes still closed You feel these feelings envelop you like a warm bath Your body floating atop a heated ocean and gentle waves Peace finds your mind with the familiar smells of salt and brine, the sound of seagulls in the air around you Broken surf crashing on a shore somewhere You open your eyes, and as opposed to the mountainside, you’re looking up at a clear blue sky, not a cloud around You try and focus, just blue, impossibly wide blue And you see something Is it a cloud or…? It’s a face The faint tracings of a face, eyes, and a nose, a mouth, but on a scale that consumes the entire blue sky above you It’s almost unsettling, but it’s soft, maternal It’s like a trick of the eye, but there it is You swear you see it smile These feelings wash into your mind, your heart, emotions and images conveying ideas and communication wordlessly, as if to say, “You have been lost, “caught in a dark current, “an undertow “These depths seed you with an alien wound, “too deep to heal, and leave your mind a torrent “Fear, love, pursuit for self-worth “You found my gaze through chance, through deed “Through company “These waters are your home, “and always have been “These waters are me, and I am them “I am the lands that rise from them,
“I am the trees that bind them, “I am the beasts that keep them “This seed of darkness,” and you look down, and you can feel this black rock, this coal that is chilled within your chest “This seed I cannot heal, but I can help you “carry the burden “I can free you from the fiend that feeds, “if you would but protect all that is me “Will you walk my lands, swim my shores, “and guide my children as one of my own?” TRAVIS: Yes, yes, I would MATT: The smile widens “Then embrace me, my boon is yours “It is our nature to adapt “Come,” and you feel tendrils of kelp and seaweed begin to rise from the warm water beneath you, and wrap around you, and tie, and bind, and your heart rate begins to jump They’re still warm, but it’s beginning to cut the light off as your face begins to be blanketed, and you feel yourself being pulled beneath the waters Do you struggle? TRAVIS: No MATT: Anyone else wish to do anything? SAM: Oh! LIAM: Surprise, motherfucker LAURA: Oh fuck MARISHA: What do you mean? LAURA: It’s like Uk’otoa in disguise Yes. I’m going to find Reani MICA: Oh LAURA: And– MATT: Reani is drinking with Beauregard MICA: Yes MATT: They’re both a little tipsy MARISHA: You changed your mind! LAURA: No MARISHA: Oh LAURA: But I’ve written a little note in my colored inks that my mama gave me, and I drew Reani a picture, and my note says, “Life is all about balance “You can’t live in black and white “Everything is a beautiful color of gray “Trust yourself “You know what is good “Love, Jester and the Traveler.” I’m going to put that note inside my book of pastry recipes that I bought, and I’m going to give it to Reani, because I know you love how to cook and bake and all of the wonderful things MICA: Tipsily, I shove it into my belt Thank you LAURA: You’re welcome MICA: Then I have one last thing that I want to do Bolstered by a little bit of whiskey, I want to shuffle over to Beau, and I want to like– reminiscent of hot boy Essek– looking down at the floor, I just want to Druidcraft a little rose, and I’ll slide it over, like, I’m not– I’m not good at this, but you said that you wanted to come back and visit, and you spent a lot of money to come see me, (quietly) so I thought that I– MARISHA: (loudly) What? MICA: You said– (gasps) (exhales) (squeakily) You spent money so you could come back and see me And I’m not good at this, but I think you’re pretty MARISHA: I grab the back of her neck and I kiss her ALL: (exclaiming) MICA: Reani definitely responds (laughter) MICA: Very drunkenly, and is super happy (laughter) MARISHA: Just kind of look over at Jester LAURA: I’m out, I was just– TALIESIN: I’m the only one watching this right now I think Nott and I are watching this at this point LAURA: All of us are in this room Yeah, we’ll give you some privacy MARISHA: Yeah SAM: We’ll turn away LAURA: No, we’ll get out of the room MARISHA: We’ll take a walk MICA: We’ll take a walk SAM: I’ll turn invisible (laughter) TALIESIN: Everywhere we go. How does she do that? Everywhere we go MATT: All right LAURA: She gets so much action TALIESIN: I know, she’s just– LAURA: Like, my mama could learn something from Beau (laughter) MATT: All right, you guys go ahead and take a walk MARISHA: I just grab Reani by the hip, pull her in as we walk away MICA: Like a drunken sorority girl, I’m like yay (laughter) MICA: Hobbling, stumbling MATT: Okay
Anything else, guys? TALIESIN: What else is there to say? LIAM: Sure, I got a little minor thing Exhausted from transcribing and studying all day Have a seat SAM: Me? LIAM: Yeah, have a seat SAM: What? LIAM: I know you’re in here, I saw you bamf out SAM: Yeah, I’m right here LIAM: Sit down SAM: I’m right here LIAM: Yeah, you’re talking at me, I know you’re right there You have not been drinking so much the last couple days SAM: That’s not– I mean, we’ve been traveling LIAM: Yeah? SAM: Yeah LIAM: Yeah, I watch you sometimes You’re drinking less SAM: Yeah, just the last couple days, not a thing, though We just haven’t been in a fight LIAM: Maybe it’s okay if you’re drinking less Maybe it’s okay if you are, but maybe it’s okay if you stop, or drink less SAM: Are we having this conversation right now? Listen, I– (sighs) All right LIAM: Your family is safe You’re with people who care about you You’re alive Some fucker is not, where we came from And you know, you work fine when you have not had a drink, and I understand why you’re escaping into it I understand SAM: I don’t know if you do I mean, I appreciate your sentiment, and, you know, Jester’s talked to me about this, and Fjord’s talked to me about this I think– I don’t want to burden you with my problems, but for me– listen, I view myself as, whether you want it or not, I view myself as a bit of a protector to you, and in all honesty, to the others, too, as we’ve gotten closer, and well, for a long time, when we were traveling together, I sort of viewed myself as your shield I protected you so that you could go on your journey and find yourself and fulfill your quest I feel like I’ve got to do that for everyone now, because, I don’t know, deep down inside, it feels like my quest might not be done until everyone else has figured out who they are and what they want in this world Everyone’s seeking something, you know? So I feel like I need to be there to protect you all, to rescue you when there’s a dragon about to kill you and use my body as a shield, or to pull Beauregard out of the mouth of a worm, or to catch you when someone falls with a Featherfall spell But here’s the thing: it’s really scary to do all those things, and to go out in the front, and to look for traps, and to disarm things, and to scout ahead and steal things from terrible lairs, and it’s scary, and I don’t– I don’t have– I know you all have my back I know you all care for me But no one has my front So this flask that I drink from, it’s not for fun I’m not taking nips because I’m looking for fun If I wanted fun, I’d be in Nicodranas with my family This flask is my shield It allows me to do these things To go forward, and to protect all of you And I’m fine giving it up, as long as you people can find me something else that can protect me as much as it does LIAM: How can you protect us if you are not protecting yourself? SAM: There’s a bit of a trade-off But I just worry that I won’t be able– I won’t be brave without it LIAM: You don’t have to be brave alone I am not, without you, Nott I’ve been traveling with you for a long time for a reason These people are traveling with you for a reason You’re not alone, and what I am asking you to do,
even though I cannot see you, is to trust us And we will trust you even more if you have that kind of faith in the group Listen, I don’t have faith in much at all I don’t have faith in myself either, but I do have faith in this group It’s a closed circle, and I just don’t want one of the links in the chain to shatter, you know? And I’m a terrible person to judge anyone, and I am not judging you I just have seen what you can do, and I know it has nothing to do with what is in that flask of yours Take that for what it’s worth If you are swirling booze tomorrow, I will still be your best friend and be with you But I’ll probably be scrambling one less time a day, you know? Maybe it’ll take some time SAM: I appreciate it LIAM: I really wish I could see you right now SAM: Yeah, I don’t know I don’t LIAM: Well, I understand, I get that SAM: I’ll think about what you said, but I don’t– I’ll think about what you’ve said And I’m sorry if I disappoint you again LIAM: Nott the Brave Maybe we both are messes, but at least we’re messes together SAM: While he can’t see me, I’m going to take a small sip of whiskey, and slowly wipe my mouth, and then say, I’ll try to make you proud LIAM: You already do LAURA: Caduceus TALIESIN: Hmm? LAURA: I think Caleb is going crazy TALIESIN: I just rolled a 28 perception, 27 perception roll MATT: Mm-hmm TALIESIN: Would I have known that Caleb was talking to Nott? MATT: Roll a stealth check SAM: My voice is still able to be heard (laughter) MATT: You’re not in the same chamber, right? TALIESIN: No, no, they’re– just watching, though LAURA: Yeah, we’re just watching TALIESIN: We were far enough away I wouldn’t have heard you MATT: You guys have different rooms in the sanctum LIAM: Yeah, I’m sorry, I had assumed it was private time MATT: I assumed it was, too I assumed it was, too I would say that you could maybe have heard Caleb talking and like, maybe looked in and saw nothing, I would say that you probably– TALIESIN: I’ve been trying to sit and listen as much as possible, it’s kind of my– but yeah– I just rolled something because I was curious what my perception might’ve been MATT: You gather there’s probably a conversation going on, but you haven’t looked TALIESIN: You think Caleb’s going crazy LAURA: Yeah TALIESIN: Why? LAURA: Oh, because he’s just talking to himself so much TALIESIN: I think he’s talking to Nott LAURA: Oh, that makes so much more sense TALIESIN: You okay? LAURA: Me? TALIESIN: Yeah, you LAURA: Oh yeah, I’m fine I’m always fine TALIESIN: Well nobody’s always fine LAURA: That’s a lie, Caduceus TALIESIN: You do a lot LAURA: Yeah TALIESIN: I don’t think you necessarily get as much credit as you deserve, as often as you should You deserve more pastries LAURA: (laughs) Everybody deserves more pastries TALIESIN: Yeah, but you do LAURA: Thanks, Caduceus TALIESIN: We’ll be figuring out your Traveler Con soon enough LAURA: Yeah, we’re going to work it out It’s going to be really cool, right? TALIESIN: You got a good crew for it, so LAURA: Yeah TALIESIN: We’re here for you LAURA: Thank you TALIESIN: Thank you I don’t even know how to tell you what this has meant
I don’t know, he is looking a little weird though, isn’t he? LAURA: Yeah TALIESIN: It’s a nice coat, though LAURA: He’s looking so clean lately TALIESIN: Yeah Hmm We really out of cupcakes? LAURA: Oh, no, no, I have some in my bag TALIESIN: Okay MATT: Eventually you find yourself in comfort in your own evening space, and as you’re walking back, a familiar voice comes to you and says, “He’s right, you know “You deserve all the cupcakes, Jester.” LAURA: (laughs) Thank you MATT: “No, thank you.” LAURA: I left a dick SAM: (laughs) LAURA: In lots of places, and your figure is taunting a big ancient white dragon MATT: “(laughs) “Never been more proud.” LAURA: (laughs) MATT: Eventually, sleep comes to you all, in various ways (laughter) MATT: Jeez The morning comes As you all slowly come to consciousness, a voice rings out amongst the sanctum “It’s done! “By the might of the Allhammer, it’s fucking done!” You all come to consciousness abruptly, except for you SAM: Oh god LAURA: What? MATT: You all come out into the sanctum You can see Khemdal is asleep in a chair You can see that Deilin is asleep off to the side, curled in the corner, and there is a sleepless, kind of manic-looking Umagorn holding a single blade SAM: Whoa MATT: You see the thick longsword, almost broadsword type of blade length with runes in a groove down the center, the metal silver with a slight blue shimmer to it, akin to the coloration of iceflex LAURA: Wow MATT: Where the break once was, the lines are still there The lines have been continued to almost have this marbled look to it SAM: Nice MATT: He goes, “Ah, “This, Tyla, Tyla! Tyla!” He starts yelling out, he’s looking like, eyes huge bags under there, and he’s just like sweating Eventually Tyla comes out and goes like, “Right, can I help you? “Oh, it’s done? “I should start carving.” She goes and runs off and grabs her tools and finds a place amongst the iron strips along the walls and begins chiseling in the scribed memory, historical record of this artifact’s creation, or recreation, amongst the other many names and stories of what has been built here within the sanctum since its inception As you all stumble out in your various states, no Fjord LAURA: Where’s Fjord? MARISHA: Probably just sleeping in SAM: Yeah TALIESIN: I’ll look around LAURA: Go look for him? MARISHA: Check on him MATT: Take a little while, there’s no sign of him on the inside of the sanctum TALIESIN: I’m going to go check outside MATT: You go outside, fresh snowfall through the night You see snow, soft powder, and there’s a bit of a dome where you guys had had your previous conversation TALIESIN: I brush it off MATT: You brush off the snow, and there’s like, a hard textured dark coloration It’s frozen seaweed TALIESIN: Huh LAURA: What the shit! TALIESIN: Interesting LAURA: What is that?! Caduceus? TALIESIN: This is unusual LAURA: Can I go up and look at it? MATT: Yeah It’s like someone had layered seaweed after seaweed after seaweed, and it’s tangled and messed like a net, and it is frozen solid LAURA: What is this doing out here? TALIESIN: Going to take one of the purple crystals, and try and push it into the frozen seaweed MATT: It pushes in. It’s like ice
TALIESIN: It’s not cutting through? MATT: No LAURA: Should we– what is it? What’s in here? Is Fjord in here?! TALIESIN: I mean– MARISHA: Is it vaguely Fjord-shaped? Is it like a Pompeii body? MATT: No, it’s like a dome, about six and a half, seven feet wide, and it’s like a weird button shape LIAM: Is Wilford Brimley in there? MATT: Probably LAURA: Hello? Are you in here? Can you hear us? TALIESIN: Start pulling it aside, maybe if we bring the sword– LIAM: Can you break a piece off? MATT: You begin to pull and tear, and parts do break off, and the more you break off, the softer it gets the further in, until eventually, it’s like a soft liquid– or not liquid layer, but like an actual kelp-type texture Eventually you pull through, and you find flesh LIAM: Living? MATT: Half-orc, living flesh SAM: Is it naked? MATT: No, it is not (laughter) TALIESIN: Is he breathing? MATT: You pull apart– LAURA: Does he feel warm? MATT: It is warm LIAM: Let’s get him out of here LAURA: Fjord? LIAM: Pull him out, pull him out SAM: We should take his clothes off LAURA: Why should we take his clothes off? SAM: They’re covered in kelp LAURA: I mean, we probably should just take the clothes off SAM: I think we should MATT: All right, you take off Fjord’s clothes LAURA: No (laughter) MATT: No But you pull the rest of the seaweed off of his body, and he’s breathing, and you slowly start coming to consciousness You’re weirdly sore, but sturdier It’s hard to describe You see Fjord come awake and sit up out of the mass of tendrils TRAVIS: Hi LAURA: Are you cold? Do you want to get inside? SAM: Are you okay? TRAVIS: Yes LAURA: What were you doing in a– LIAM: Why are you out here? SAM: What happened? Do you like bread? TRAVIS: In general? SAM: Nevermind MARISHA: Your accent’s back TRAVIS: No, it’s a force of habit, I’m sorry MARISHA: Oh Freaked me out for a second LIAM: What’s the last thing you remember? TRAVIS: Well, I came outside to meditate, in the way that Caduceus showed me LAURA: Does he look different? MATT: He looks a little stockier MARISHA: (gasps) SAM: How about his teeth? MARISHA: Did he Spider-Man this shit? LAURA: Oh my god, did you Captain America Fjord? MARISHA: Oh my god! SAM: What superhero did he do? MARISHA: What did you do? SAM: Did you Wolverine this? MATT: He’s not an overt, but like, he looks a little– where once there was a scrawny Fjord is slightly less scrawny MARISHA: Do you gain muscle that quickly from our two workouts? TALIESIN: Kelp diet MARISHA: Yeah TRAVIS: I’m pretty sore, actually, all over TALIESIN: Well– MARISHA: I punch him in the arm MATT: It hurts TRAVIS: Ow MARISHA: Hurts me or him? MATT: Him MARISHA: Oh, sorry TRAVIS: Fuck! MARISHA: I don’t know Did I notice anything? MATT: A little more resistance than you’re used to TRAVIS: Lactic acid LIAM: Can’t you read his shit? MARISHA: I can read his shit Well, I have to Flurry of Blows him TALIESIN: We have a gift for you inside LAURA: Come inside SAM: Maybe LAURA: Have a nice cup of tea TRAVIS: Yeah, sure God, it’s fucking cold out here LIAM: Yes, we’ve been telling you to come inside, Fjord. Come inside TRAVIS: I’ve been out here all night? SAM: Did you do this to yourself? TRAVIS: Kind of look around and take stock MATT: You see the nest-like circular layer of seaweed around you TRAVIS: Are you asking me if I built a nest of– SAM: Yes TRAVIS: No? TALIESIN: That seems to be the obvious answer TRAVIS: I had a dr– LAURA: Uh? TRAVIS: I did have a dream that I was back out amongst the ocean and that there was seaweed MARISHA: Is he back? TRAVIS: I don’t know There was a voice. It was a new voice Similar to the one that I heard TALIESIN: Hmm TRAVIS: It said I would never be rid of the darkness that had been left inside, but this new voice sounded warm, inviting
She sounded like she wanted to help, if I would help in her name And I said yes, but that was MARISHA: Do something TRAVIS: Do what? MARISHA: I don’t know, just think about something and do something SAM: Make your falchion appear or something TRAVIS: I don’t have my– I’ll try to summon the falchion MATT: Nothing TRAVIS: Yeah MARISHA: Make water shoot from your hands TRAVIS: Okay MATT: What are you trying to do? SAM: Make water shoot from his hands MATT: Water does not shoot from your hands TRAVIS: Sorry MATT: (laughs) LIAM: No demon monkey, no nothing? LAURA: Try to disguise your face like you used to TRAVIS: Like what? LIAM: Make yourself look like Nott TRAVIS: I’m a big Nott! MATT: You watch as his entire body shimmers into a larger, thicker version of Nott the Brave SAM: Oh! LAURA: Aah! TRAVIS: (shouting) (laughter) TRAVIS: Drop it (whoosh) Big Nott (shouting) (clapping) MARISHA: Yeah, that’s good, that’s good! LAURA: You got some powers back TRAVIS: Okay, okay, okay MARISHA: Okay, okay, okay, what else, okay, okay SAM: Wait, Eldritch Blast? LAURA: (gasps) TRAVIS: No LAURA: Try it, try it, try it! TALIESIN: I don’t think so TRAVIS: I look out over the cliff side, and I will look at Nott and say, (Texan accent) Eldritch Blast SAM: Ooh, yee-haw! (laughter) MATT: Energy gathers within his palm, but as opposed to the dull sickly green coloration, this has a deeper verdant tint to it as it fires out, (imitating impacts) two blasts TRAVIS: Oh! TALIESIN: (laughs) Wow TRAVIS: (panting) TALIESIN: That’s interesting LIAM: Stella got her groove back LAURA: I’m really proud of you, Fjord TRAVIS: Fucking seaweed wraps are the shit! (laughter) MATT: Umagorn stumbles out into the snow, is like, “I thought everyone would be more excited “I spent all night working on this.” ALL: (clamoring) TRAVIS: We should go inside What the fuck, who took my shirt off? SAM: Oh, I mean– LAURA: Here, have it back TRAVIS: Let’s go inside LAURA: You were wet, and it’s– (laughter) SAM: Didn’t know if we needed to resuscitate you and rub your chest TRAVIS: I feel well looked after Should we head inside? LIAM: The sword’s finished MATT: Yeah, Umagorn’s like, “Aye, it is,” and he holds it up, and you can see the blade is beautiful TALIESIN: Well SAM: Fjord, do you want to hold it? TRAVIS: (laughs, stammers) Caduceus, it’s your sword TALIESIN: No, it’s definitely not LIAM: Who else here is going to use a sword? LAURA: You do need a new sword TALIESIN: It was waiting for you LAURA: It almost looks like water TRAVIS: Would you mind? TALIESIN: This is what we’re here for LIAM: There are no accidents, correct, Caduceus? TALIESIN: Never, just delightful mistakes I’m going to hand you the sword Embrace your destiny MARISHA: Ooh SAM: That’s a big piece of paper TALIESIN: Wow! MARISHA: That’s a lot of text MATT: And that’s where we’ll end tonight’s episode ALL: (shouting) MATT: I know it went a little long, but I feel like it was worth it TALIESIN: Worth it! (laughter) MATT: We’ll pick up from there in two weeks LIAM: Awesome MATT: Because we got a week off MARISHA: Reani! MATT: Reani LAURA: You were so wonderful! MARISHA: Don’t cry; it’s not over! It’s not the end SAM: It’s over forever MATT: You’re a terrible person LAURA: And you got laid MICA: I know! (laughter) MATT: Wait, is that canon? MARISHA: I got a rose SAM: They spent some time together Who knows, who knows TRAVIS: Pure speculation MATT: There you go SAM: Speculations TALIESIN: Sex on graph paper MATT: Thank you for joining us LAURA: It was so much fun TALIESIN: Yeah MICA: I’m sorry, I’m an emotional bitch (laughter) MATT: Girl– The internet’s watched all of us cry many times on the internet This just makes you even more a part of the family, really (laughs) MICA: I’m going to cry so much tonight TALIESIN: I get a day of extra life for every tear, so I’m good (laughter) MICA: See me crying during everybody’s speeches You’re going to live forever TALIESIN: Oh man MATT: We already knew that TALIESIN: Yeah (laughter) MATT: Anyway, thank you so much for joining us It’s been amazing MARISHA: You have to keep hanging out with us MICA: Okay (laughter) I’ll just live under the table. It’s fine MATT: Thank you guys for joining us tonight
Don’t forget, next Thursday is the Vox Machina wedding of Percival and Vex’ahlia. Check it out in the interim. We’ll be back in two weeks We’ll see you then Don’t forget, we love you very much, and is it Thursday yet? Good night (dramatic music)