[MUSIC PLAYING] DAVID CHOE: China’s a huge place The landscape keeps changing It goes from vast canyons to sand dunes to, like, these desolate zombie towns, where there’s huge complexes where there’s just no people living there Things like that, they make you think about your position in life We go into these towns and these worker bees, these people are working for pennies doing these huge construction projects I mean, it makes me think about shit It’s like, I spill paint on these expensive rugs and then sell it for shitloads of money And if I was born in this shithole town and I had to paint that whole thing and I spilled a drop of paint, then I’d get fired It’s fucking crazy It’s life circumstance But I don’t know Hopefully life on the road, us expressing ourselves through dance and music and hitchhiking, maybe we’ll start some kind of a revolution But probably not Let’s go So we’re outside of a town called Xi’an It’s our next biggest city There’s a bus We’re just going to get on I guess we’re just going to get on [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Let Homegirl know we don’t have any money [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: We’re drifters [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: We inherently don’t pay for rides It’s against the religion of the road No money I got a jizz tissue and some dust We got to get off? So mean OK, OK Shit Moving You’re very cute, you know, in this life [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: All right So they were kind enough That was a 10-cent ride I guess we could have fucking faked it and paid for it But sort of goes against my religion It goes against everything we believe in at Thumbs Up And then– Look at this Jump– let’s go Get in Jump in Squeeze in Yeah! Hi Hello [CHINESE] What are your names? What are your names? [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Jiang Ho FEMALE SPEAKER: Jiang Ho DAVID CHOE: What up, Jiang Ho? FEMALE SPEAKER: Jiang Ho, what’s up, what’s up? DAVID CHOE: What’s up? [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Hey, ask him if he knows Street Fighter, the video game Street Fighter [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Chun Li [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Does he know Chun Li from Street Fighter? [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: All right All right Thank you [CHINESE] [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: I’ve often wondered why Chun Li from Street Fighter had huge thighs Every time I got to take a dump, I got to squat like this, because all the toilets are squatter-style But the chicks, they got to squat every time they got to pee or shit They get the hugest hamstrings and calves [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right HARRY KIM: All right DAVID CHOE: Party HARRY KIM: Yay DAVID CHOE: Party, party, party, party [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Give us a ride, dude Be cool Be cool [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Whether you give us a ride or you don’t give us a ride, it’ll never change the fact– [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: –what a handsome devil you are [SPEAKING CHINESE] FEMALE SPEAKER: Ah, come on Come on Come on DAVID CHOE: Yeah, yeah? FEMALE SPEAKER: Come on Come on Get in Get in Get in Get in DAVID CHOE: Yeah, yeah You, sir, are a handsome devil I like you Yeah! [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Look at that smile I want to fucking kiss you right now, man FEMALE SPEAKER: Kiss him Kiss him DAVID CHOE: No, you kiss him I’m not going to kiss him [LAUGHTER] You’re the best One, two, three Go! [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Yeah [EXCITING ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

DAVID CHOE: We’re in Xi’an It’s our first big city after Beijing I got the shits Had to take a dump, and I had a accident on my shirt We came out These guys looked pretty cool and hip The dude with the orange hair, he looks like a freak, so we just sat down and ate with them We had a delicious meal It turns out they’re punk rockers They’re in a rock band called Echo Rush We’re giving them massages right now They’re going to go out and party tonight So you guys ready to rock? Yeah? All right, let’s do it Echo Rush [PUNK MUSIC PLAYING] DAVID CHOE: I love this guy [PUNK MUSIC PLAYING] DAVID CHOE: Yeah [PUNK MUSIC PLAYING] DAVID CHOE: Echo Rush We fucking rock China so hard China! Fucking love China I come to China, and the fucking girls have little mustaches [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: I like it I fucking like it I saw it, and I was fucking scared I was scared when I saw the mustache, and now I fucking love it Do you know how to love? Do you love, or do you fuck? MALE SPEAKER: Yes, I love DAVID CHOE: Who do you love? What’s the last name? HARRY KIM: Do you fuck? DAVID CHOE: Do you know what love is? Do you know what love is? Do you know what love is? [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: You’re the lead singer You should fuck everybody Fuck everybody MALE SPEAKER: OK DAVID CHOE: There’s no time for love There’s no time for love [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Don’t be a bitch Fuck everybody [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Fuck from China all the way to Russia MALE SPEAKER: You can help me? DAVID CHOE: I’ll help you HARRY KIM: Oh god, you can do it DAVID CHOE: I’m not that shit, but I’ll do it for this guy All the fucking Chinese bitches with mustaches, I’ll fuck them all I love this guy [COUGHING] DAVID CHOE: That’s not water FEMALE SPEAKER: I’ll be right back, OK? DAVID CHOE: So we’re still in Xi’an It’s a city that’s known for the Terracotta Warriors And this guy, I can’t travel with this guy if he looks like shit all the time So we’re going to get him a haircut right now I don’t know There’s not much we can do with it But let’s go check it out [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Sausage party, all you can eat That’s what last night was With the good-looking dudes in a rock band And once again, it took Harry to show rockers how to rock My band, KGB, Koreans Gone Bad, with my brother Harry, we formed this shit years ago We get on stage The guy writes a song It goes, ching chong China, ripping a vagina I mean, I know I get pissed at Harry sometimes I know I yell at him But you know what’s worse in life than being mad and pissed at Harry? It’s not having Harry in your life So today I’m going to treat Harry to a day at the spa Get a haircut This is what you call traditional-style Chinese bowl cut [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: All right HARRY KIM: Hey DAVID CHOE: Look good, man HARRY KIM: Hey DAVID CHOE: Remember that baby we saw in that little village? We want this haircut on this guy All right, we’re going to do Harry up one up better than this one Yeah, finish it off [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: So in the entire hair salon, Harry’s getting his hair cut by the one girl that is not certified, and has never done a haircut before We think she’s the receptionist [SPEAKING CHINESE] FEMALE SPEAKER: She’s a little nervous right now DAVID CHOE: Oh, don’t be nervous [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: If you guys are bored watching this, how about we read this girl’s shirt while Harry’s getting his hair cut? It says– HARRY KIM: OK

Here, man DAVID CHOE: I know Harry hasn’t been picking up too much road pussy on this trip That’s all about to change after this haircut [SPEAKING CHINESE] HARRY KIM: Oh Hey [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Oh, excuse me [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Would you ever date a guy that his this style? [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: You like this kind of look? No? [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: The irony being, she’s not into guys that have this kind of style But the fact is, Harry would fuck her better than any fucking guy she’s ever been into, better than any of them And she’ll never know that pleasure, because she’s judging him HARRY KIM: Yeah DAVID CHOE: So I’m sorry I’m sorry You will never know You will never, ever, ever know You will never know You will never, ever know Sorry, Harry I tried HARRY KIM: It’s all right [HONKING] [SHRIEKING] [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: How-how for Echo Rush, whose favorite drummer is Usher’s drummer Total sweetheart Total cutie He let us stay, the whole band and crew, at his grandmother’s house last night And then even better, their fucking tour driver, Jacob, aka Hong– hi JACOB: OK, hi DAVID CHOE: Echo Rush just finished their tour, so he’s heading– what’s that city? [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: I can’t pronounce it [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: And it seems to be south, so he’s nice enough to give us a ride Jacob? JACOB: OK DAVID CHOE: You’re on the road a lot with these punk bands So is it lonely on the road? [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: I mean, those guys in that band were pretty young When you’re giving a ride to all these young bands, are they annoying? Do they get on your nerves? [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: So since he’s all over China, does he have like a girlfriend in every city? There’s a lot of girls on the road? [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Road pussy Road pussy Jacob, you know what I said, come on, man The girls everywhere, all over China Road pussy [SPEAKING CHINESE] FEMALE SPEAKER: Called Mimis Called Mimis DAVID CHOE: Yeah, Mimis [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Do you have a girlfriend? Are you married? [SPEAKING CHINESE] FEMALE SPEAKER: See, they’re– he’s separated right now DAVID CHOE: Oh [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Oh, wait So that’s very interesting Jacob, I’ve been in a very long relationship myself also But the road kills all In the end, you can only choose one– love or the road If you love the road, that will destroy any relationship you have And if you choose love, you get love, but you have to stay at home and be boring [SPEAKING CHINESE] FEMALE SPEAKER: Because that’s why after five years they did separate He chose the road DAVID CHOE: Jacob, the road destroyed me The road destroyed Harry Or not us, but our love lives But in the end, after the dust settles, we’re totally gay for the road So it doesn’t matter [SPEAKING CHINESE] FEMALE SPEAKER: He says he chooses the road as well DAVID CHOE: Oh, yeah! JACOB: Yeah DAVID CHOE: Yeah, dude JACOB: Fuck you Fuck you [LAUGHTER] DAVID CHOE: The road is long and hard, like Harry’s shit

this morning But we just got the longest ride on Thumbs Up China so far In my experience of all my years of traveling, when you get rides like this, people either pick you up because they want you to keep telling them stories to keep them awake while they’re driving, or they want to spill all their shit on you, like you’re a roadside psychiatrist, and they confess all their sins Jacob, my main man, did what few drivers usually let you do And that is sleep And I mean, we’ve done everything to offer this guy– cigarettes, Red Bull, coffee He is a fucking driving machine And I just wanted to ask, because we’re almost to the town he’s going to drop us off in, does he have any words of wisdom or advice that he would like to give to us? [SPEAKING CHINESE] FEMALE SPEAKER: He says, my good words to you are that there are beautiful bitches waiting ahead for you DAVID CHOE: Yeah! Yeah All right JACOB: Fuck you [LAUGHTER] DAVID CHOE: It’s another beautiful day in China Thumbs up, China Thumbs up, everybody There’s more rides to be had There’s more fun to be had Let’s get the fuck out of here Dude, we got one of the best rides we’ve ever got in our life True road warrior, down for the road, ride or die shit Fucking Jacob JACOB: Fuck you [LAUGHTER] DAVID CHOE: Longest ride Drove us out Think we’re along the Yellow River right now It’s pretty dirty I think some rare dolphin went extinct in it We’re also spending more time out in the sun And I was thinking we’re getting darker, and the Chinese girls out here like pale skin, so that might be a problem too We’re going to cross this river right now, head in that direction Thumbs up, China Let’s keep rolling it [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Hi More, more Oh! Oh! Hit that fool Hit him Oh Oh Ooh, hit that bitch Oh! Oh I like the dude on the left Yo Harry, I got $100– oh! Fuck yeah, dude Oh! Oh My money’s on Harry My money’s on Harry Go Oh, come on, you pussy Bash that shit, dude Oh FEMALE SPEAKER: Come on, honey Let me touch you [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Are you guys in a bike gang? [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Yeah? What’s the name of their gang? [SPEAKING CHINESE] FEMALE SPEAKER: They don’t have a name They just fucking roll They spin around DAVID CHOE: That’s cool, man [SPEAKING CHINESE] FEMALE SPEAKER: He wants to know if we want to go somewhere DAVID CHOE: Yeah, of course, dude As far as he’ll take us [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Ride or die [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Yeah, come on, man Come on, man Let’s ride [HORN HONKING] DAVID CHOE: Thumbs up, China Harry’s balls are touching his back My balls are touching his back Life doesn’t get better than this Thumbs up, China [HORN HONKING] DAVID CHOE: Yeah This is my makeshift cooking show

I’m going to show you how to eat really healthy and nutritious on the road What is that? FEMALE SPEAKER: Baby chick DAVID CHOE: OK, one One Just one One One Some baby birds Little baby canaries, like Tweety Bird Eat that shit, dude How is that? HARRY KIM: Mmm, it’s good DAVID CHOE: It’s good? HARRY KIM: Mm-hmm DAVID CHOE: How’s the flavor? HARRY KIM: A little spicy DAVID CHOE: It needs a little something? HARRY KIM: It needs a little something, though Mm-hmm? DAVID CHOE: You want to put something on it? HARRY KIM: Yeah, let’s put something on this thing DAVID CHOE: All right This is the candy man He takes whatever you want, and he makes it into candy Like that Iggy Pop song B-52s (SINGING) Candy, candy, candy So we got these chickens They taste like shit But there’s like this thing that they have in LA, like the Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles It’s, you got some chicken, and you got some sweetness, some sugar It’s that same concept So we got a baby little pigeons, and we’re going to caramelize them with some sugar, and have chicken bird This guy thinks we’re a fucking moron, but we’re going to have tasty treat [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: And lettuce Yes, yes, yes Lettuce Oh Oh Yeah It’s crunchy on the inside, and crunchy on the outside [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: Crunchy crunch Oh! [SPEAKING CHINESE] DAVID CHOE: This is Chinese style, ancient Chinese style Fucking delicious Oh my god All right Mmm Mmm That shit is good Cabbage, cabbage pops This is fucking real eating This is some gangsta shit right here You want one? Want one? Yeah Some gangsta shit This is healthy for you HARRY KIM: Healthy for you DAVID CHOE: It’s delicious Yeah! Dude, that’s the best spinach you’re ever going to eat in your whole life Your dad’s never going to give you spinach like that, never Eat that shit, dude Mmm That’s some good shit [CHINESE] [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

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