[Dispatcher] Alright, it looks like we got Sonic finally He’s been really hard to catch because he’s so fast, but fortunately, we have him in this enclosed space [Sonic] I’m gonna kill all of you! [Dispatcher] Yep, we’ve heard that one before [Sounds of fighting, rings dropping] Anyway- Oh wait- [Sonic] I’m bustin’ out now! I’m actively busting out of the prison! [Dispatcher] Oh God, he’s actually doing it [Sonic] I’m now outside of the prison bars! [Sonic] Here I go! [Dispatcher] You’re a fugitive to law, Sonic [Sonic] BLAM! I told you! I was gonna break free! [Dispatcher] You son of a bitch, Sonic [Sonic] Live and Learn, everybody! That’s what I’m talking about [Sonic] Talk about a low budget flight! No food or movies? I’m- Big? What are YOU doing here?! [Dispatcher] He’s also being brought into custody [Sonic] You need to go back home. I have a suspicion you left the oven ooooooooon ~! [Hayley] That’s a cool JPEG [Sonic panting] [Sonic] Huh?! [Shadow] Hey [Sonic] Wh- What’s that? [Shadow] Do you know where the nearest Hot Topic is?! Za warudo! [Sonic] Hey you put that down. That’s an expensive diamond! [Shadow] Diamonds aren’t green, dick-nips [Sonic] That’s really rude, I’m gonna have to call the polices on you! [Shadow]Za warudo! [Sonic] I’ll make you eat those words! [Shadow] See you, nerd [Sonic] HUH?! [Sonic] He’s faster than Sonic! He’s faster than Sonic! WHAT? [laughing] [Sonic] It’s almost like that Emerald has some sort of power! [Shadow] This emerald has all sorts of power Za warudo! [Sonic]Stop saying that! [Rouge] We meet at last [Knuckles] We met last week, what are you talking about?! You’ve been hittin’ the reefers- AGH! [Eggman] That’s right, Sonic! I’m taki- oh I mean, Oh Sonic isn’t here Knuckles I’m taking your emeralds [Knuckles] That’s fine. I didn’t really want it anyway [Rouge] Hey, those are mine bring them back! [Eggman] No, fuck you I’m takin’ it away, you thot ass [Knuckles] Ugh, now I’m mad! Ahhhhhh! [Eggman] OH! MY EMERALDS! [Rouge] That’s what you get for being a dumb- dumb piece of shit! [Knuckles] Sorry I wasn’t trying to touch you! Nerd! [Rouge] Yeah, you were! [Knuckles] Get out of my face- [Rouge] Pervert! [Knuckles] I just punched an emerald [Eggman] I’m gonna kill these sons of bitches, RAH [Rouge] I can’t believe you did this this is all your fault [Knuckles] I can’t believe your tits are one polygon! [Tails] I’m flying this plane all by myself. I’m literally five years old. I’m not in any way qualified to do this [Amy] Where’s my mom? [Tails] Hey, what are you doing down there? She’s looks like she’s all by herself Maybe I should go pick her up in my super cool airplane [Eggman] What the actual shit? WHERE DID AMY GO? SHE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! [Tails] Eggman, come over here! [Eggman] I’M GOING TO- [Eggman] ARGH MY BONES! [Eggman] I KNOW I SH- [LOUD COUGHING] [Laughing] [Eggman] WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? [Tails] Happy April Fools! [Eggman] OH MY GOD! That’s it, I’m calling the police! 911- [Tails] I AM THE POLICE! [Laughter] [Eggman] [sigh] I miss my wife, Tails. I miss her a lot I’ll be back [Muffled laughter] [Amy] Are you my mom? Oh wait, hi Tails! How are you? [Tails] Hey Amy, I’m great. Do you want to come get in my supercool airplane? [Amy] No! Not at all. It looks really gross Wait, on second thought, I don’t wanna be here [Tails] No, it’s too late. You already made up your mind I’m out of here! [Amy] Wait come back I changed my mind! [Sonic] Oh! I’m in jail again! I just- Amy!? [Amy] Hey! I found you! All by myself with no help from any five year olds I kidnapped. What? Sorry. Anyway Wow, check out my legs! You like that? I’ll let you out if you take my “I’ll fuck you” card C’mon, this is my v-card I saved it for you!
[Sonic] No! No I told you once too many- Oh I’m so mad at you, one too many times is enough! [Amy] One too many times is not enough! [Sonic] Hey! [Sonic] You stop it right now you’re trying to trick me with your vixen tricks I won’t take any card I can get out by myself! [Amy] Alright, bye! Have good times in prison Swipe [Shadow] That blue hedgehog again of all places [Sonic] I’ve found you, faker! [Shadow] Faker? I think you’re the fake hedgehog around here [Shadow] You’re going around bein an asshole? I mean that fits me but die [Sonic] I’ll make you eat those words! [Shadow] Perish [Hayley] shadow [Shadow] Yes thank you voice [Sonic] Thanks, I forgot who this was! Did we ever establish our names? Hi, I’m Sonic! [Shadow] Nice to meet you. I’m Shadow. Ow [Sonic] Sorry for hitting you so much. It’s just part of the narrative Wham! Ow! [Shadow] I got you stupid blue fool [Sonic] It seems as if we’re evenly matched in some kind of way! [Shadow] We aren’t. You just killed me [Sonic] Just kidding! I’m better than you! I’m better than everyone! [Shadow] But… I’m the ultimate lifeform [Eggman] It would seem that you bitches have come to a standstill in Tarzan’s forest You have thirteen seconds before the island fucking explodes you Hot Topic wannabe and you blue gumball son of a bitch you have done nothing but destroy my life I hope you both die [Sonic] Hot Topic!? [Shadow] No! My secret! [Ryan] Alfred I hope you know that is actually what happens in the story [Penny] That is actually- like he literally was like- [Alfred] Wait dead seriously? Seriously? [Penny and Ryan] He literally says this island will explode- OH MY GOD I DIDN’T KNOW [laughter] Oh my god I didn’t KNOW [Knuckles] And so I said, “What are you smoking the reefer again?” Hahaha, classic Ahh, I enjoy our talks Whoop Here I go I can FLY!? [laughter] [Eggman] Hehehe hey everyone! Guess what? I know you wanna buy my stocks, but fuck you I’m keeping your stocks that’s right you ugly little girl I HATE YOU and your STUPID NOSE I’m taking EVERYTHING from you GIVE me your phone I’m taking over Victoria Secret I’m taking over Best Buy the News is MINE and EVERYONE ELSE CAN LEAVE YOU SEE THAT PLANET!? I’M TAKING IT TOO! IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING WALNUT! BLAM! AND IT BUSTED A NUT! THEN AND THERE! [evil laughter] Now DIE [Civilian] Oh my god it missed! [Eggman] Fuck you moon you never had the cheese I wanted! [Civilian] Oh. Well that wasn’t very nice I- I think that’s gonna have some kind of effect on the tides or something [Eggman] I hope you’re ready to die, It’s gonna be like Evangelion get the fuck out [Sonic] Whoa [Amy] That is like, Evangelion or some shit man that is crazy. Anyway [Sonic] I just- ohhh. I always didn’t like the moon but- [Tails] No I loved the moon! I don’t know why he felt like he needed to blow it up [Sonic] Well, maybe it like said something weird about his mom or something. I don’t know I can’t put my finger on it, or my tail, or my spikes [Tails] Well here take this Diamond as a consolation prize For the fucking moon just blowing up I guess [Sonic] Wait a minute, I have an epiphany! [Amy] Wait, what’s- [Tails] Let’s go! [Amy] What’s an epiphany? [Amy] So I said… “Why the long face?” You get it? Because uh- cause- anyway So- [unintelligible] oh [Tails] That’s not- That’s not very funny Amy honestly you probably should like pick- keep your day job or pick a new career, I don’t think stand up comedy is really your thing [Amy] Ohhh You mean I should marry a very handsome and wealthy man who has stock in the diamond and RING BUSINESS? THERE HE IS! [Knuckles] Hey, what’s up good-looking, also hi Amy I haven’t seen you since nineteenth-aught-seven Don’t touch me harlot! [Tails] Can you guys like, stop having relationship issues while I’m on the phone with my dentist? I’m out of here, bye [Secretary] Mr. President, do you have a dentist appointment at 7:00 [President] [exhale] That’s my favorite song Also cancel that dentist appointment I don’t need to get my teeth done [Eggman] I’M TAKING OVER THE UNIVERSE! I’M TAKING OVER YOUR WORLD! I’M TAKING YOUR TV! I’M GLITCHING IT! THEY CALL ME THE GLITCH! DO YOU KNOW WHY THE CALL ME THE MOTHERFUCKING GLITCH!? BECAUSE I GLITCH YOUR TVS OUT!
I’m taking the world by STORM I’m gonna drop my newest album. CRACKIN’ EGGS [President] Crackin’ eggs? Mm, ahh [Sonic] Hi, Mr. President. We need your help! Some masked villain named the glitch- [President] Sonic, my long-lost lover! It’s fi- oh [Sonic] Wha- hey, I told you not to bring that up anymore. I’m putting that behind me Mr. President Now stop it and let’s focus on business, Tails what you got? [Tails] Sonic I found this, like, used copy of Sims 4! [Sonic] What!? That’s the least best Sims game! But I’ll take it anyway, come on let’s go! [Tails] Wait, for me! [President] Wait wait! Come back! Honeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy! [Knuckles] How the fuck did we get to Egypt!? [Sonic] It’s a big triangle or something I don’t know. What’s on the top there? [Knuckles] I don’t know but I’m gonna punch it. That’s what I do Anyway, what are you gonna do, pink? [Sonic] Hey, don’t be so mean to Amy okay she’s literally just standing there You just are very aggressive and you lash out when you get upset and you’re confused I promise everything will be explained [Knuckles] No! [Tails] Alright I’ve got my jet! Let’s go! [Sonic] We don’t have a jet I’m gonna go in there first and you guys back me up okay? Okay? [Tails] Nope. I’m going [Sonic] Do you guys hear me? Do you- hey! [Tails] I’m just trying to get a feel for this door I think it’s made- [Sonic] It’s made of wood Tails, there’s nothing else to get a feel of, it’s wood and paint [Knuckles] Uh actually it’s a really low-res JPEG [Sonic] What? A J- What’s a JPEG? Stop speaking witch [Eggman] Heyy bitcheeeees Didn’t expect to see me [Sonic] Hey what’s going on Eggman? Some weird guy named the Glitch is- [Eggman] Sonic I’ve had enough. You took my wife. You fucked my crops. I’m taking your life And the Chaos Emeralds! [Machine noises] [Alfred] WHAT WHAT WH- WHY IS NASA THERE!? I’M SO CONFUSED! [Sonic] I gotta get on that plane! Oh no! [Knuckles] It’s an ancient Egyptian space shuttle! [Penny as Sonic] Hey, this is like, this is like What George Lucas was talking about with like rhymes in cinema? Like how the beginning of the one I’m in a plane and now I’m in a rocket [Alfred] Can I just real quick say that I never got to play this game and everything that’s happening is new to me and my mind can’t. Connect [Blue] [laughing] I’m in the same boat I have no fucking clue what’s happening [Penny as Sonic] It’s so epic right Alfred? [Sonic] Did someone drop the emeralds again? [Knuckles] It wasn’t me I swear! [Tails] Hey sonic I have a question. Since I’m literally five, can you please explain to me how you fucked crops? [Sonic] I didn’t- I didn’t wanna have to explain that to you Tails I didn’t wanna! You forced my hand [Tails] PLEASE [Sonic] Now you’re scarred for life, and I’m gonna have to take you to therapy and it’s just- [Tails] Yeah I think I need to melt now [Amy] After you explained how to fuck plants I think I’m a veggie [Tails] I didn’t expect that to be exactly how you explained it But then after you explained it made so much sense that that’s exactly how that would work But now I’m wondering why the fuck would you do that? [Amy] Well, it’s a personal choice and I thank you not to judge me for it [Sonic] AMY SHUT UP RIGHT NOW SHUT YOUR MOUTH, RIGHT NOW. We are not opening up that can of worms. Okay Tails you go find Dr. Glitch [Tails] Okay, I think I found him. He looks like he’s uhhh somewhere inside- so- there’s a flashing pink thing I don’t really know [Amy] We need to find our way down the thermal coils to the nuclear reactor Once we implant the emerald into the reactor it will overload the system! [Tails] I- Okay, but I really just want to hold on to this very shiny object it’s really pretty [Amy] Oooooo, shiny! [Tails] I was thinking I was gonna give it to my mom for her birthday But, I guess if we have to put it inside a nuclear reactor, that’s what we have to do! So here’s Sonic you take it and run real fast [Sonic] At least we found some use for this piss rock. I’m out of here. See you later! Man it’s so handy that you can read Tails [Sonic]So wait, I had to put the what in the what now? [Tails] You have to put it in the nuclear reactor! Put the piss rock in the nuclear reactor! [Sonic] Huh? What!? What did you just say to me!? Put the what in the what!? [laughter] [Knuckles] Ah, I see we meet again. For the first last time [Rouge] But this time we’re in space, I don’t know how the fuck I got here to be honest with you [Knuckles] I don’t know how the fuck I’m breathing to be honest. AGH [Rouge] So, do you want to like, go get coffee later? Maybe? Me and my one polygon boobs? [Knuckles] They’re my favorite polygon [Rouge] [Anguished screaming] [Knuckles] I did it! [Rouge] Knuckles Thats- I- Knuckles, I’m so sorry [Knuckles] I’m sorry did you not consent to me saving your life!? [Rouge] No, I did. I just- [Knuckles] I can push you back down [Rouge] No listen! [Knuckles] I’m sorry I didn’t mean to do that [Rouge] YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME, I wanted to say, I’m sorry for the way that I’ve acted and-
[Knuckles] WOAH BIG WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK THERE DUDE!? [Big] Uh, nothing uh, don’t even look at me uh- [Rouge] Who are you talking to? Never mind it doesn’t matter, I’m super high right now [Knuckles] Weed [Rouge] Yeah Weed Just for you [Sonic] That’s right everybody It’s your favorite boi [Eggman] Get the fuck out or I’m gonna shoot Amy in the fucking face I swear to GOD I’ll DO IT you BITCH GET OUT! I will pop her [Amy] Don’t give him my life for a piss rock! [Soinc] Will you pop this piss rock? [Eggman] [gasp] Put the piss stone down right now, you know what piss rocks does to your ᵇˡᵉⁿᶦˢ [Sonic] I like what it does to my ᵇˡᵉⁿᶦˢ Eggman! And you know what That’s what’s gonna give me the strength to get through this and- W O A H ! [Eggman] You thought you were gonna escape and I knew you were gonna fart in here so I had to put up a fucking seal [Sonic] WOAHHHH [Tails and Amy] No! Sonic! [Sonic] Talk about a low-budget flight Piss rock I pray unto you this day That you would protect me from my sins, and my transgressions [Eggman] NOW, I will CONTROL the UNIVERSE and EVERYONE will be able to watch ˢᵖˡᵃᵗᵒᵒⁿ ² ˡᵉᵗˢ ᵖˡᵃʸˢ by Eggman! Now GET in the FUCKING ROOM [Tails] Shoot me you fucking coward, DO IT You won’t! I have no reason to live anymore now that Sonic is gone, and my piss rock [Eggman] I’m going to make sure that you watch my vine compilations and I’m gonna make you perish little rodent [Tails] I will never watch your vine compilations cuz they suck. You pick all the bad vines [Amy] I’m just gonna hang out in the corner here and watch Just don’t shoot me [Eggman] MY FUNYUN RINGS I’m taking them back! [Tails] Gimme those funyuns! OMNOMNOMNOMNOM [Eggman] I’M GOING TO KILL YOU! NO! [Tails] They’re MY FUNYUNS NOW Eggman [Eggman] Tails listen to me, I know who your mother is [coughing] [Tails] DON’T YOU FUCKING LIE TO ME [laughter] [Knuckles] Am I in Halo? [Jesus] Knuckles, here’s your bitch back [Knuckles] Thanks Jesus! [Sonic] One bitch fresh off the presses! What’s up knuckles? Piss rock saved me And now I’m all dizzy [Knuckles] I’m- I’m too high for this shit I can’t- I can’t [Sonic] Oh god please [Knuckles] Are you, limber? [Sonic] No, I’m like a high equivalent Anyway, [Knuckles] What? [Sonic] So uh, what’s going on with Eggman? What’d he do, did you make everybody watch the splatoon let’s plays or somethin? [Knuckles] everybody at home getting this right now? [Sonic] Hey, this looks really d- delicious. I feel like I could eat this [Knuckles] Sonic! No! Whatever Welcome to Fun Land! [Sonic] Oh [Shadow] Welcome to Fun Land Sonic Two tickets to ride on the Fuck You Train [Sonic] Oh sweet, is there a cart- wait. Ferris wheel is what I meant I almost said cartwheel, this piss rock does crazy things to you. You see ever seen one like this before? [Shadow] Oh, you know I have Sonic You know I’ve seen my fair share piss rocks Now let’s start running [Sonic] You said that really sensually! [Shadow] Yes I’m a very sensual being a hopeless romantic if you will [Sonic] What ya see is what ya get, just a guy who loves piss rocks! And adventure, I’m gonna run now [Shadow] What the fuck? [Sonic] I’m gonna get faster than you! [Shadow] No, I’m faster than you actually. I did the math, I’m pretty fast [Sonic] No I’m faster than you! It’s part of my name! Sonic- [Shadow] See look I’m faster- Ow [Sonic] Sonic Fast-Man Hedghog [Shadow] Ok, first of all, rude This is still just like Dragon Ball Z [Sonic] Bam bam bam bam bam bam bam, you know how it goes, you know how it goes Uh, just like Dragon Ball Z, did you ever watch that one episode of Dragon Ball Super where- And then I said, “Hey! Give me back my lettuce!” [Shadow] What kind of list was it? Is it the naughty nice list you Santa mofo? [Sonic] No, I said lettuce. Were you even listening at all? [Shooting] [Eggship] Ohhhh noooooooooo. [gasping and coughing] NO THE GLITCH. THE GLITCH I didn’t take, my claritin xd! [heavy wheezing] [Sonic] Shoulda taken dayquil!